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Five-Minute "The Bachelor Party"

by Jade

Cordelia: I'm shallow.
Doyle: (drools)
Picture of Buffy: Hey, look at me!
Angel: (drools)

Pierce: My gosh, I must be the most boring Pierce in existence!
Cordelia: Yep.

Vampires: Hi! We're punks.
Angel and Doyle: That may be, but you're also staked through the heart.
Vampires: Aw.

Doyle: I hate being a demon.
Angel: What? Why? You know, some demons are warm and fuzzy. Just look at me!
Doyle: Yeah, well, you have fangs. And sometimes even a detachable nose! All I have is cactus skin. Waaah!

Vampire: Grrr!
Pierce: My gosh, I must be the wimpiest Pierce in existence! Bye Cordy, hope you don't die!
Cordelia: Donít we all!
Doyle: Ta-da!
Vampire: Oh no! I'm allergic to Irish people! GAK!
Cordy: Wow! Thanks Doyle, you big damn hero, you.
Doyle: Aw, shucks.

Cordelia: I'm no longer shallow. Drat.

Doyle: I'm a lovable loser.
Cordelia: And suddenly strangely attractive.
Harry: And married to me.
Cordelia: Drat.

Harry: So, um, I want a divorce so I can marry this guy.
Richard: Hi! I'm --
Cordelia: Ken?
Richard: No, actually --
Angel: Dobson?
Richard: No! It's --
Doyle: Okay guys, this guessing game is interfering with my angst. Cut it out.
Richard: But --
Doyle: No.
Richard: Sigh...

Doyle: Let me tell you the story of my life, and how all my Cactus Demon Angst (TM) came to be.
Angel: No.
Doyle: Okay, then let me drink a lot of alcohol.
Angel: No.
Doyle: Tail my soon to be ex-wife's soon to be husband for me?
Angel: Yeah, okay.

Richard: Look, I'm a demon with a knife!
Angel: Aaaaah! Evil! DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDI--
Harry: No, wait! Richard's a warm and fuzzy demon!
Angel: Right, like those exist.
Harry: But you just told Doyle that they did!
Angel: Oh yeah! Well, I believe you then. Mr. Dobson.
Richard: Sigh...

Angel: So, your wife's marrying a demon.
Doyle: Huh. They could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell. Right, that's it, I have to divorce her.
Angel: So she can be his missus.
Doyle: Yep. Mrs. Harry Lame-Ass Made-Up Maiden Name...
Angel: Dobson.

Richard: Sigh...
Doyle: What are you sighing for?
Richard: Didn't get to do it in the last scene. Say, d'you wanna come to my bachelor party?
Doyle: Will there be alcohol?
Richard: Vast quantities of it.
Doyle: Cool. I'm game.
Richard: Actually I don't think you'll count as game if we don't hunt you. You'd just be... food. Well, ritual sacrifice, whatever.
Doyle: Ha ha! Funny!
Richard: Um. Yeah.

Harry: So, d'you wanna come to my wedding shower thing?
Cordelia: Since I'm no longer shallow, I won't ask if there will be men there.
Harry: Um, good. 'Cause there won't.
Cordelia: Okay, but just because I'm not shallow doesn't mean I won't say "aw..."

Richard: Well, what a lovely family dinner.
Richard's Mom: And a perfect opportunity to show that we are, in fact, planning on murdering Doyle.
Richard's Brothers: But in a funny way!
Richard: I dunno about funny. I feel like I want to make him suffer for introducing me to that Angel guy.
Richard's Dad: Well, we could put him in a box.
Richard's Brothers: Naked in a box?
Richard: Yeah, right...

Richard: Hi Doyle! Hi Angel! Welcome to my bachelor party!
Angel: Hi Dobson.
Richard: Sigh... Hey, Doyle, this is your party as much as it is mine, okay?
Doyle: Does that mean I can cry if I want to?
Richard: Um, no. I want you to have a painful death, not an embarrassing one.
Doyle: What?
Richard: Um... tell me the story of your life, and how all your Cactus Demon Angst (TM) came to be?
Doyle: At last! Someone who cares!

Harry: Hey, have you heard the story of Doyle's life, and how all his Cactus Demon Angst (TM) came to be?
Cordelia: Um... no?
Harry: My gosh! You really don't know him at all, do you?
Cordelia: Yeah... not so much.

Richard's Brothers: Quick Angel, secretly follow us!
Richard's Father: Quick Angel, secretly eavesdrop on me!
Cordelia: Quick Angel, secretly phone me and Harry for a translation!
Angel: Yeah, whatever... hey, is it even possible to eavesdrop in a way other than "secretly"?
Richard's Brothers: Shut up, Angel, and fight us!
Angel: But I'll miss the stripper!
Richard's Brothers: Who cares? It's not like she eats butterflies or anything.
Angel: Okay, some people have really strange tastes.

Window: SMASH!
Angel: Ouch! Hey, isn't this the entrance to Harmony's apartment building?
Window: Shut up.

Richard: Okie-dokie, time to eat Doyle's brains.
Doyle: Yay! ...What? You can't eat my brains! You're not a zombie! Only zombies eat brains, Dobson.
Richard: Shut up, you're ruining my appetite. Ahem. Fetch the brain-eating box!
Doyle: That's a big wooden chest! With legs!
Richard: Sigh... I meant the other brain-eating box...

Angel: Grrr! This cool shot is sure to make the opening credits! Let's fight!

All: BAM! POW! ZAP!
Angel: ZAP?
Doyle: Yeah, that was me trying to get out of this box using my Cactus Demon Mind Ray(TM).
Angel: You have a mind ray?
Doyle: Apparently not. Ah well, super strength is cool too. BAM!

Harry: Hi! I will stop this fighting by shouting at you.
Cordelia: Wait just a second... POW!
Doyle: OW!
Cordelia: ...Okay, I'm done.

Harry: I don't want to marry you anymore, you evil brain-eating Dobson.
Richard: Argh! I don't want to marry you anymore either, you name-calling Prince Kim Potter!
Harry: My name's Harry.
Richard: Did I say it wasn't?
Harry: Ack. I'm leaving now.
Cordelia: Us too.
Angel: Yeah, us-- Doyle, what are you waiting for?
Doyle: I was looking for an opportunity to say ZAP! again, but it just isn't coming...

Cordelia: Doyle needs cheering up. Should I do "Encourage," "With Puppet," or "Don't Waste Your Last Two Episodes On The Show With Moping Around, Soldier"?
Angel: Puppet.
Cordelia: Okay. Hey Doyle, look at Buffy Puppet!
Doyle: Oh no! Buffy!
Cordelia: What, does she have puppet cancer or something?
Doyle: SHE DOES NOT HAVE PUPPET CANCER! Ahem. Yeah. I just had a vision of her. Something about an Indian... possibly a cupboard?
Angel: Buffy! NOOOOOOOOOO....
(Angel continues his Luke Skywalker impression at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on October 2, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Josephina Delahaye.