Five-Minute "Conviction"
by Zeke

Vampire: GAK!
Angel: Another menace to society vanquished. Now for....
Crowd of Wolfram & Hart Employees: Mind if we intrude, hassle the person you rescued, and suck up to you?
Angel: ....the one I run.

Kid 1: And if anyone tries to bully me, I just open my container of buttkicking.
Kid 2: Wow, you're da bomb!
Teacher: Yes, we all find him infectious, but he should still watch his language.
Kid 1: Sorry, next time I'll say the magic word.

Fred: What am I doing here?
Wesley: Don't worry, we're all asking ourselves that.
Fred: No, I mean what am I doing in the lobby? I thought I was going to my lab.
Knox: It's this way. Here, I'll show you. We can hold hands on the way.
Fred: My hero!
Wesley: I'll be over here seething if you need me.

Gunn: I picked an office. Want the one next to it?
Wesley: Sure, that'll be convenient if one of us needs to overhear one of the other's secrets.
Gunn: Well, I don't have any. Secrets, that is. Yup. Hey, here's Angel.
Angel: Can you believe this? I saved a girl from a vampire last night and the firm mobbed me. Are you two snickering?
Wesley and Gunn: No.
Angel: Because it looked a bit like you were snickering, as though you'd arranged it all to annoy me.
Wesley and Gunn: Wasn't us. (Heheheh...)
Angel: Well, whoever did it, it sure ticked me off. I couldn't kill that poor girl with people watching.

Eve: Hi. I'm Eve, your dangerous liaison to the Senior Partners. Aren't you getting tired of the Biblical names?
Angel: You're preaching to the choir.
Wesley: Oh, we haven't had all that many. Has there been a Luke?
Eve: The Master's henchman.
Wesley: Oh. Adam?
Eve: Government-created Frankenstein's monster.
Wesley: Seth?
Eve: Green.
Wesley: Perhaps you have a point.

Fred: All these client files... don't we have any good clients?
Lorne: I hear you. I haven't seen this much evil in one place since Caritas did that Hansen/Moffats double bill.
Angel: Okay, everyone go get some sleep. I'll finish up.
Gunn: You sure? There a lot of files left to be angrily glared at.
Angel: I'm good at that.

Eve: Are you ready for the next step?
Gunn: In our relationship? We just met. So yes.
Eve: You know what I meant. I'm trying to be vague in case the guy next door is listening in.
Wesley: (offscreen) He isn't. Carry on.

Harmony: Hi, boss!
Angel: Aaa! What are you doing here?
Harmony: I'm your new secretary. I also don't know about Cordelia's coma yet, allowing you to work in a mention of her this week.
Angel: As if this place wasn't evil enough already....

Wesley: This is Corbin Fries. He wants us to clear him of various charges he's completely guilty of.
Angel: Why should we?
Fries: Because I'll blow up California otherwise.
Angel: California? Wait a minute -- I live in California!
Wesley: Sorry about this, Mr. Fries. You can see what I'm working with here.

Lorne: I'm going to be karaoke-testing each of you for evil. We'll start with you.
Employee: Okay... "I am whatever you say I am. If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? In the --"
Lorne: ARRRRGH! Stop, stop!
Employee: What, I'm evil?
Lorne: No no, you're clean, but that was Eminem! I've gotta go wash my ears out....

Fred: I'm so nervous about running this lab....
Knox: That poster for your obnoxious political views probably won't help.
Fred: Don't be silly, they're not my obnoxious political views. I'm just the one Joss Whedon's borrowing this time.

Angel: So until we find out how Fries plans to blow up California -- which I live in -- we'll have to explore all our options. Wes, check the mystical possibilities. Fred, the scientific ones. Gunn... has anyone seen Gunn?
Wesley: I thought I saw him earlier, but it turned out to be Mr. T.
Angel: Whatever. And Lorne... are there any karaoke possibilities for blowing up a state?
Lorne: I can think of more than a few teeny-boppers who'd do the trick.
Angel: Okay, look into that. I'm going to go visit a guy named Spanky.
Wesley: We're not even trying to avoid the slash subtext anymore, are we?

General: Sir!
Angel: Who are you and why are you delaying me from entering my beautiful, beautiful cars?
General: I thought I should inform you that my squad usually does this kind of errand. So if you do it, we'll develop a grudge.
Angel: That's okay. Large, well-armed people with grudges against me are sort of a constant in my life.

Spanky: Yeah, I did something for Fries.
Angel: If it involved spanking, I'm just gonna drop the subject.
Spanky: I made him a mystical container.
Angel: And then you spanked it, right?
Spanky: Once. When he wasn't looking.

Doctor: Hello, Mr. Gunn. What can we do for you?
Gunn: Just an ordinary checkup. Blood pressure, weight check, cut my brain open with a saw and cram stuff inside, the usual.

Fred: We've found out Fries is into horrible diseases.
Angel: (over the phone) I know where he put them, too. Remember that scene earlier with the kids?
Fred: Yeah?
Angel: One of them was his son.
Fred: ...So?
Angel: (sigh) So he put the virus in his son.
Fred: Oh no!

Doctor: Is something wrong? Should I stop?
Gunn: No, it's over now. I just hit the O. J. trial.

Wesley: I'm not having much luck. You?
Fred: We still haven't found a cure for the disease. Or for Yu-Gi-Oh.
Wesley: Good Lord, where are your priorities? The Fries problem is important, but Yu-Gi-Oh must be stopped now!

Eve: I guess this situation is reminding you of Connor.
Angel: Yeah. I never got to do normal father/son stuff like sticking viruses in him. And don't mention him again.
Eve: Why not? It's not like it increases the danger of your friends finding out. All they'd have to do is think for one second about the last two years now that their memories of them make completely no sense.
Angel: Well, they're not smart enough, so don't help!

Lorne: The trial's not going well. Fries' lawyer is completely outmatched by this guy from Fallin & Fallin.
Angel: (over the phone) Keep watching. I'm going to go isolate his son.
General: Hear that, men? Now we know who the virus is in. Let's go kill the kid and everyone who's ever been within three feet of him.
Lorne and Angel: What?
Soldier: Sir, you're not supposed to speak during a phone tap.
General: I'll do what I want to.

Wesley: I've brought a gun in case they pass sentence.
Lorne: So let's see now: they let a demon in, they let you in armed, and they didn't hear you say that just now. The security in this place redefines bad.

General: DIE, INNOCENT CHILDREN! DIE-- hey, where is everybody?
Angel: Joke's on you. It's a P. D. day.
General: Oh. Well, you we can kill, at least.
Angel: Do you really think a military squad with huge automatic weapons is a match for one surrounded and unarmed vampire?
General: No, of course not. But I'm mad.

Judge: If the defense is finished stalling, I think it's about time to pass --
Gunn: Wait! I, the mighty lawyer Gunn, have come to save this poor persecuted scumbag.
Wesley: Mighty lawyer G-- Your Honour, do you allow objections from the audience?

General: You think you've beat me? I possess something beyond your power to defeat: true evil.
Angel: Well, you also possess something beyond your power to defeat....
General: GAK!
Angel: A downward-pointing gun with a reeeeal nasty recoil.

Eve: We've enhanced Gunn to make him the ultimate lawyer. Action figures of Ultimate Lawyer Gunn will be in stores next month.
Angel: That's horrible! Why don't I get an action figure?
Eve: Copyright problems. Marvel Comics has the rights to the name "Angel."
Wesley: What about me?
Eve: Star Trek.
Fred: And me?
Eve: Flintstones.
Lorne: Lorne?
Eve: Greene. Sorry, kids.

Angel: Well, at least we have the satisfaction of having triumphed for Good.
Wesley: By preventing the conviction of a guilty slimeball?
Angel: Precisely. And now I'm going to take out my frustration on this mysterious envelope that's been lying around all episode.
Wesley: Um....
Fred: Er....
Lorne: Okay, I think we can be pretty confident none of us saw this one coming....


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This fiver was originally published on October 12, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Mutant Enemy, but since they unofficially encourage fanfic and such, I doubt there'll be any trouble. Unless their legal consultants are with Wolfram & Hart, in which case all bets are off.

All material © 2003, Zeke.