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Five-Minute "Spin the Bottle"

by catalina marina

Lorne's Log: Youth sucks. Ohh, I wish I were young...

Angel: What's up?
Cordelia: Were we in love? And don't you dare torture the 'shippers!
Angel: Eh... Maybe?
Cordelia: (stare) What did I just tell you?

Lorne: We can get Cordy's memory back with this spell I found.
Angel: Can anything go wrong?
Lorne: Of course. It's magic, ain't it?
Cordelia: Let's do it.

Salesman: Don't worry about the vase.
Vase: GAK!
Wesley: Well, I don't know about the sword, but this shooting stake here seems to work just fine.
Salesman: The sword will work. When you don't need it.
Wesley: Oh-kay, enough foreshadowing for one episode...

Lorne: I mayeth be prepareth to shouteth a joyous chanting.
Fred: Thou art a pigbraineth simpleton.
Lorne's Log: She's such a sweet girl.

Wesley: I wonder if you could kill someone with Lorne's magic bottle...
Gunn: Whoa. You helped Fred trying to kill her evil Professor!
Wesley: Can't you just forgive and forget?
Gunn: Forgive? Never! Forget? Not until next scene.

Lorne: Abracadabra!
Cordelia: Something went wrong with the spell.
Angel: Gee, who'd have expected that? Also, who are you?

Wesley: Time for the opening credits.
Cordelia: I'm Cordelia, as the popular girl from Sunnydale. You know, the one from Buffy.
Fred: Fred Burkle, as the shy girl from San Anton before she got stuck in an evil hell dimension. Also, I'm a genius, but I'm too shy to mention that.
Wesley: Didn't you just... ah, what the hell. Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, from the Watcher's Academy.
Gunn: Gunn, as the vampire hunter.
Angel: Liam, as the frightened Irish boy from the past. And I'm not a vampire. Uh-uh.

Cordelia: I'm leaving.
Wesley: The doors are probably locked.
Cordelia: Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?
Wesley: No, don't! That would mess up my theory.

Wesley: Whoa! Look at this sword I've got. It's collapsib--
Random Spot in the Air: GAK!
Gunn: Okay, you probably shouldn't wave it like that.
Wesley: But isn't that the whole point of a swo--
Gunn: Warned you...

Lorne's Unconscious Body: Hi!
Fred: AAAHH! It's the Devil!
Angel: Nonsense. The devil is red, not green. Trust me on this.

Lorne's Log: In other news, Connor kills vamp, doesn't get picked up by victim. Back to me.

Gunn: Let's cut his head off.
Wesley: Do you think that will kill him?
Gunn: No, but it would be fun.

Wesley: I think there is a vampire in the house.
Angel: Like, duh!
Fred: Should we go kill it?
Angel: Well, no, but since none of us know it's me, why the hell not?

Radio: Oh what a beautiful mooooorning!
Angel: Whoa! There are little men singing in that box!
(Cordelia pushes a button)
Little Men in Radio: GAK!
Angel: Whoa!

Angel: Mmm, blood.
Cordelia: Did you say something?
Angel: No.

Angel: (Looks in mirror) Whoa, I'm a vampire.
Lorne's Log: Sucks to be him.

Angel: The only way to see yourself is in the mirror, right?
Wesley: I suppose.
Angel: Then I haven't seen any vampires.
Wesley: Are you implying--
Angel: No. Bye now.

Angel: (Coming back in) Whoa, it's scary outside!
Wesley: I told you there'd be demons.
Angel: No, I'm afraid of the dark.

Wesley: I think the vampire is one of us.
Angel: How could that be? I mean, I know I'm not a vampire, you know you're not a vampire...
Wesley: You may have a point.

Wesley: Tell us who the vampire is.
Lorne: Like you can't figure that out for yourself. Just think about it. Who says he's someone other than his speaker credits tell us? Who is afraid of cars?
Angel: Uh oh.

Angel: I wish you no harm.
Wesley: If you don't want to kill us, then why--
Angel: Why what? I didn't do anything!
Wesley: Then why are you a vampire?
Angel: I'm not going to win this one, am I?

Angel: Just to prove that you're right, I'm going to eat one of you. Would anyone like to volunteer for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
Cordelia: Take me, take m-- What am I saying? Take her! Take her!
Angel: I think we have a winner.

Cordelia: Ohh, my knight in shining armour.
Connor: As long as you don't think I'm going to save yet another woman who's not going to bed with me afterwards.
Cordelia: Of course not. (winks)

Lorne: Say, could you untie me?
Fred: Aren't you evil?
Lorne: No. Now let me make some icky goo for you to eat.

Angel: Don't fathers suck?
Connor: Yes, they do.
Angel: Isn't Cordelia cute?
Connor: Yes, she is.
Angel: Aren't I going to win this fight?
Connor: Yes, you-- No you aren't!

Fred: Stop fighting!
Angel: We were just finished.
Conner: We were not!

Lorne: Here comes the choo choo train, open up the tunnel. It'll make you aaalll better.
Angel: We haven't turned that young, Lorne.

Beast: (in Cordy's head) Hello, John.
Cordelia: I'm not John.
Beast: Note to self: Read script. Soon.

Lorne's Log: So everything turned out just fine.
Cordelia: Not for me.
Lorne: Meh. You're not going to be in control of yourself after this anyway.
Cordelia: I rest my case.

Cordelia: So now we all have our memories back. Neat. Bye now.
Angel: Wait. Were we in love?
Cordelia: I'd give birth to an evil goddess and die before I'd get back with you. But yes, we were.

Lorne: Well, that's the story. Goodnight, everybody.
Empty Room:
Lorne: (shrug) Beats tomatoes.
(Lorne walks away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 3, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Marijke van Bommel.