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Five-Minute "Yesterday's Love Story"

by Zeke

Sarah Biddle: I'm so proud to be part of the half of the States that still has slavery.
Sarah's Father: Me t--GAK! I'm shot! Damn Yankees....
Sarah: You cold-blooded killers! Hey, wait a sec...if you knew Dad was here alone, why send so many soldiers when two or three would do? It doesn't make sense.
Yankees: Get used to those words -- you'll be saying them a lot today.

Janeway: I keep having that same dream. Wonder if the writers are trying to tell me something....

Kim: There's a planet really close by.
Janeway: Shouldn't the sensors have detected it?
Kim: They probably did, but I was reading a magazine.
Janeway: Give me that! Oh, and hail the planet.
Lokal: (over the comm) Hi. We're the Inryeth and I'm Lokal.
Janeway: I like that. The pun potential is endless.

Lokal: My people believe in reincarnation, so one of you will undoubtedly have an experience related to it. I mean, why else would we be in the episode, right?
Janeway: This magazine is really interesting.
Tuvok: Give me that! You should be listening to this part.

Sarah: Stop in the name of the Confederate States! And please note that "Confederate" is the root word of "Federation."
Levi Sullivan: Okay. You're cute.
Sarah: You too. What's your story?
Levi: I'm a reluctant soldier fighting for a cause. And please note that the same is true of the Maquis.
Sarah: Now insult me so we can end this scene fast.
Levi: You decaf-drinker.
Sarah: Get outta here!

Inryeth: (over the comm) Aaaaa! Our reactor's going to blow, and we think escape pods are for losers!
Kim: I can't beam them out...there are too many alpha particles.
Janeway: Alpha particles. Alpha particles. Those things can't penetrate a sheet of paper, and you can't even beam through them?
Kim: I can, actually, but I'm mad at you for taking my magazine.
Janeway: Fine, I'll endanger the ship. Better?
Kim: Yes.

Lokal: You've saved us! How can I ever repay you?
Janeway: Share with me your New Age religion. I'm only an atheist when it's useful.

Captain's Log: You know, Chell should cook Lokal and feed him to the dieters on board. Get it? Low-cal?

Chakotay: ....and so we've successfully fixed your reactor, you decaf-drinkers.
Janeway: Whoa! Your words are like Levi's.
Chakotay: I'm checking, but...no, I don't seem to be wearing jeans.

Lokal: If your dreams are continuing, I suggest that we attempt a mystical ritual which one might call a vision quest.
Janeway: That's unprecedented.

T'Pel: Hi! Anybody remember me?
Tuvok: No. Nobody remembers you. You're just a pathetic non-character whose arrival on the ship changed nothing for anyone. Now get lost, I'm reading a magazine.
Lokal: Give me that! Okay, captain, ready to start?
Janeway: Sure. So how do you induce the trance? Telepathy? Hallucinogenic drugs?
Lokal: We've advanced beyond such things. Now we just force you to watch "Favourite Son" over and over again.

Sarah: I love you! I don't care if I'm engaged to some schmoe!
Levi: I love you! I don't care if I'm in a relationship with some bimbo!
Both: And we're isolated, so we should love while we can! SEE? EVERYBODY SEE THE PARALLEL HERE? ARE WE BEING UNSUBTLE ENOUGH YET?

Lokal: Look, captain, I'm completely alien to your ship and even I know what that dream represents.
Janeway: Don't say it out loud, you'll spoil the surprise.
Lokal: What surprise? Do you really think anybody in the audience is identifying Levi with Paris or something? It's friggin' obvious!
Janeway: Get off the ship. You've become a security risk.
Lokal: Fine, but I'm keeping the magazine.

Captain's Log: Well, okay, I didn't actually record a log at this point in the story. But I should have.

Levi: I'm back, and my girlfriend dumped me! Woohoo!
Sarah: That's almost as wonderful as my fiancÚ's horrible death! Let's get married.
Levi: Because you love me?
Sarah: Because I want to get rid of my last name. Blecch.

Janeway: So the story has a happy ending, and I've learned its lesson well. From now on, I'm wearing a Confederate uniform 24/7! The South will rise again!
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on August 15, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.