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Five-Minute "Retrospect"

by Zeke

Torres: Let's start calling each other Starfleet and Maquis again to encourage divisiveness.
Kim: Okay. Isn't this planet beautiful, Starfleet?
Torres: Starfleet is you.
Kim: Sorry, I'm out of practice. Hey, a cloaked city!
Azuma: Hi, we're the Caprijens. We're in desperate need of a brilliant engineer with a troubled past.
Kim: I'll go get Seven. Hahahahahaha!
Torres: You're not funny.

Janeway: In light of your complete uselessness, I hereby declare you Ship's Counselor.
T'Pel: Will I have to wear tight clothes?
Janeway: Not unless you change your name to T'Pol.

Tuvok: There's an injured Sernaix on that planet.
Janeway: Let's go there and injure him some more! Um, I mean heal him. Yeah.

Azuma: This little box is our Keeper.
Kim: Did you say Caretaker?
Azuma: I might as well have.
Torres: Quiet, you two, I'm having a flashback.

Torres: Whoa. Either I'm a little kid again, or Dad finally perfected that super-growth serum he was working on.

Kim: You okay?
Torres: Yep. Fine. Certainly fine enough for you to leave me alone here with the Keeper, for example.
Kim: That's unwise. I'll do it.

Janeway: Hey Harry. What's shakin'?
Kim: (over the comm) B'Elanna's mental stability, but that's normal.

Doc: Despite knowing nothing about Sernaix biology, I'm effortlessly curing the injured guy.
Janeway: Good. Now let's pursue diplomatic relations.
Chakotay: Ehhh....
Janeway: Are you about to object...Cadet?
Chakotay: No. Sorry. I take it back.

Janeway: I want your advice.
Tuvok: This is VVS8 -- I give only J/C-related advice. Need any of that?

Azuma: Torres is having an orb experience. Er, memory-reliving coma.
Kim: Then get her out of it, Starfleet!
Azuma: I thought you were the Starfleet guy.
Kim: Um...in my language, "Starfleet" is a term for "respected colleague". Yeah.

Torres: Awww, why aren't you coming on the camping trip?
Miral: Because your father and I hate each other's guts. Wait, I can't tell you that yet. Pretend I just smiled and spoke cryptically.

Liven: Yo. I'm Liven, and you are all scum.
Paris: With a name like that, you'd really Liven up our next crew party.
Janeway: Shut up, Tom. Bad puns won't help my peace overtures.

Janeway: Gonna support me?
Chakotay: If you want, but we tend to do better when I don't. Like that Equinox thing -- we did okay there.
Janeway: What about Unimatrix Zero? Oh, wait, we did lose the Delta Flyer...you know, you may have a point.
Chakotay: I don't support that statement.
Janeway: Good.

Torres: Camping is fun, eh Dad?
John Torres: Hang on a sec, I'm trying to figure this out. Last time I appeared, I was 20 years older than this...and the time before that was later on this same camping trip. But are you six or twelve?
Torres: Beats me.

Torres: End of flashback. So what was that all about?
Azuma: The Keeper sent you back to your moment of greatest regret.
Torres: This is beginning to smell like Star Trek V. I may have to cut my nose off.

Paris: B'Elanna's in danger? Oh no!
Seven: Relax...she has great survival skills, as she's demonstrated on no other occasions.
Kim: (over the comm) She's right, Starfleet.
Paris: You cut that out.

Torres: I want to go into another coma.
Doc: That would be ill-advised. But illness is my specialty, so go right ahead.

Miral: Going to Starfleet Academy is a terrible mistake. I hate you.
Torres: Do you have a Sarek complex or something?

Kim: I've got to stop B'Elanna!
Azuma: It may be possible...there is an ancient Caprijen technique known as the Bridging of the Minds.
Doc: Oh great, here we go again.

Kim: Don't change the past, idiot!
Torres: Why not? Changing the past is good. It got Voyager home and saved us all from an icy death.
Kim: I don't remember the "icy death" one. Anyway, you're missing the point. If you change the past here, who knows what might happen? Maybe that C/T thing from "Persistence of Vision" will pan out.
Torres: AAAAA! Okay, I'm convinced now.

Ilix: Your tattoo is impressive.
Tuvok: Quit using my word.
Janeway: Enough chit-chat. Ilix, give your commander this bold ultimatum...(ahem)..."Please, please stop attacking us! We'll give you anything you want! ANYTHING!"

Doc: Good, you're awake. You're just in time to fight a bunch of Sernaix.
Torres: Oo, fun.

Ilix: We hate you all because your fellow humanoids once killed a lot of us.
Janeway: Everybody always blames us for stuff we didn't do. When they're not blaming us for stuff we did do, I mean.

Sernaix: Mmm, phaser beams. Delicious.
Torres: Well, that's just peachy. We'll have to beat them up, Harry....
Kim: Can I get injured heroically first?
Torres: Sure.

Torres: Sorry for all the an--
Janeway: Shut up, nobody cares. Now then...Ensign, in blatant contradiction of "Nightingale" and other episodes, I hereby promote you to Lieutenant.
Kim: Score! Thanks, Starfleet!
Janeway: You still have to call me Captain.
Kim: Slip of the tongue.

Torres: Allow me to make a touching parental speech.
Miral: I can't exactly stop you, can I?

Tuvok: Hey, the Sernaix just sucker-punched us and left!
Janeway: Excellent -- now there are lots of battles ahead! I love it when diplomacy fails.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 22, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.