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Five-Minute "In the Eye of Empyrean"

by Zeke

Captain's Log: Those darn Sernaix keep not quite killing us. It's annoying.
Doc: You'd rather they did kill us?
Janeway: Don't talk while I'm recording logs.

Mateth: Hi, we're the Ayrethans. Behold our friendliness and good manners.
Janeway: Oo, oo -- can we rip minerals out of your planet and crowd it with vacationing crewmen?
Mateth: Sure, on condition that we get to unite any popular couples you might have.
Seven: (over the comm) Captain, please tell the Doctor to stop winking at me.

Mateth: You have honoured us by beaming down so many established characters and no extras.
Paris: Uh oh...did we dishonour you by leaving Harry on the ship?
Mateth: Are you kidding? Anyway, please divide into plot-furthering threesomes and follow the tour guides.
Sutokh: Remember, Mateth, you promised me the J/C group!
Mateth: Yeah, yeah.

Sutokh: This bubble universe exists outside of time.
Chakotay: What the--? You just blew one of the big mysteries of the season!
Sutokh: Normally I'd be more reserved, but I can't think straight with you two around. You're just so cute together!
Wildman: I've had that problem.
Janeway: J/Cers. The whole stupid galaxy is J/Cers.

Tuvok: We met these guys called the Inryeth who looked just like you. Is that--
Nalbet: No. It's not an Insurrection thing, we swear.

Dokar: Like our utopian society?
Icheb: Utopian, my assimilation tubules. I bet you guys are a bunch of jerks when we're not looking.
Paris: Icheb, remember what I told you about free speech? I was lying.

Sutokh: Here's a cave for you two to explore....
Wildman: ....each other in. Hee hee! C'mon, let's leave them alone together!
Janeway: I'm telling you, it's a conspiracy.

Tuvok: Whoa! I just saw a ten-second preview of the future.
Nicoletti: Huh...the promos for later in the season can't possibly be ready yet.

Janeway: Exploring this cave is so exciting! I feel like a college student on the first day of her second year in Digital Animation.
Chakotay: Are all your analogies that specific?
Cave: Now I get to trap you two and link your minds! Tee-hee!
Janeway: See what I mean? See? It's enough to make you wonder if the universe was created by J/Cers....

Nicoletti: Uh oh. Tuvok's conked out.
Vorik: You mean I have to carry this poozer? Hooo boy.

Chakotay: Holy cow -- I'm thinking what you're thinking!
Janeway: It would seem our minds are "Attached" in some way. Someone or something has mentally "Attached" us.
Chakotay: The parallel is obvious enough without your help.

Paris: ....and when I realized we knew little about this planet and its dangers, I decided it was the perfect place to take Miral.
Torres: It's okay, I didn't marry you for your mind.
Paris: You aren't?

Tuvok: Weird. While I was unconscious, I saw all kinds of future events.
Kim: (over the comm) Well, it's obvious what you have to do.
Tuvok: Conduct a scientific investigation?
Kim: Write it all down and outsell Nostradamus!

Chakotay: I guess now we admit our hidden love for each other. Sigh.
Janeway: Why are you sighing?
Chakotay: It's just that this is so forced and obvious. Could we possibly have gotten together in a more clichéd way?
Janeway: It's okay -- I have a cunning plan to stick it to those J/Cers. Listen up....

Tuvok: What have you done with Janeway and Chakotay?
Sutokh: The same thing any shipper would have done. Come along, I'll give 'em back to you.
Tuvok: Thanks. By the way, can I interest you in a copy of Nostratuvok?

Janeway: They should be here any minute now....
Sukoth: All right, you two, we've come to let you out--
Janeway: HAHAHA! Gotcha! We were about to kiss, and you J/Cers interrupted us! In your faces!
Everybody: Awwwwww, man!
Chakotay: Gotta hand it to you, Kathryn -- it worked like a charm.

Janeway: So, is it possible for us to blow this joint?
Sukoth: No. There is absolutely no way. You're stuck in this bubble universe forever.
Janeway: You're still mad, aren't you?
Sukoth: My dear captain, Hell hath no fury like a J/Cer scorned.

Chakotay: Well, that was pretty anticlimactic...but at least you won't be hitting me with the angst anymore.
Janeway: The angst has just begun, pal. How could our relationship be interesting without it?
Chakotay: Sky Spirits! Save me, Sky Spirits! Where are you when I need you?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 29, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.