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Five-Minute "A Darker Light"

by Zeke

Kim: You know, I'm not sure I fit in with you guys anymore....
Paris: What was that, Harry? Sorry, I was thinking about how much I love B'Elanna.

Seven: I think I was using you as a substitute Axum.
Chakotay: That's okay.
Seven: I also think you were using me as a substitute Janeway.
Chakotay: That's ridiculous.

Kim: Let's go on a shuttle trip.
Seven: Why?
Kim: Reasons aren't important. But if you want one, we could be mapping the sector to see if there's any chance of escape.
Seven: That's silly -- Astrometrics can take care of things like that easily. Remember how much we hyped it at the unveiling?
Kim: See, this is why I told you reasons aren't important.

Chakotay: Well, there they go...a man and a woman, alone together in a small space. Makes you think, doesn't it?
Janeway: I can't decide what's more pathetic -- your attempts to create a romantic atmosphere, or the fact that they're working.

Kim: EEEEEK! Three Sernaix ships!
Seven: Wuss. Let's just go over here and -- EEEEEK! An even bigger Sernaix ship!
Kim: Wuss. It's a derelict.
Seven: Oh, then let's beam aboard.
Seven: Wuss.

Tuvok: You're going down, O beloved wife.
T'Pel: Your butt is mine, O faithful husband.
Chakotay: Isn't it romantic to watch this happy couple trying to destroy each other in kal-to?
Janeway: If you say so.

Seven: Ewwww, a pile of dead Sernaix.
Kim: GASP -- Kes's vision is coming true!
Seven: Kes's vision already came true. This is just a similar situation.
Kim: It better be...I hate getting eaten alive.

Vex: Curse that large and obnoxious traitor ship!
Imeth: Okay, sir. (ahem) "May that large and obnoxious traitor ship be damned."
Vex: Imeth, that wasn't an order. It was a figure of speech.
Imeth: Sorry if I vexed you, sir.

Kim: That's it! I've had it up to here with your rudeness!
Seven: What? I would never be rude to a pathetic little puke like you!

Ship Mind: Problems. You can't kill the traitor ship because it's carrying that thing you're not supposed to destroy.
Vex: But that means the thing isn't on Voyager anymore, right? So let's kill Voyager!
Imeth: What? But sir, we're not allowed! It's carrying that thing we're not supposed to destroy!
Vex: Were you paying any attention at all?
Imeth: I think it's pretty obvious that I wasn't.

Kim: Oh no! Seven's been trapped in some sort of trapping device!
Ozymandias: S'okay, I'm just sucking her brain.
Kim: So if I say "you suck," you can't technically call me wrong, right?
Ozymandias: Um...no....
Kim: You suck.
Ozymandias: Drat.

Vex: Can you believe Voyager's commanded by a woman?
Imeth: A woman? Aw man, I didn't comb my hair today! Got a brush? And maybe some deodorant?
Vex: Imeth...we are Sernaix, defenders of the Realm. We are far, far too macho to use deodorant. And I don't think we have hair.
Imeth: Look, you can be uncivilized if you want, but I'm gonna look good for the ladies.

Ozymandias: Those three Sernaix ships are heading for Voyager.
Kim: That's really, really bad. Can you help us?
Ozymandias: What's in it for me?
Kim: A heroic death.
Ozymandias: I'm in.

Kim: (over the comm) You guys are sooooo screwed.
Janeway: Uh oh. What do we do?
Chakotay: We could make the best use of our last few minutes, if ya know what I mean. Wink wink nudge nudge.
Janeway: You're one sad individual.

Seven: Whoooaa...what happened?
Kim: An poetically-named undead Sernaix AI-type thing captured you, messed with your brain, and is currently sacrificing himself to save our lives.
Seven: Glad I slept through that.

Vex: OW! Man, I hate it when we lose! But at least I outlived that brainless moron Imeth.
Imeth: I'm not quite dead, sir. And now you've embittered my final moments.
Vex: Boo hoo.

Captain's Log: Ozymandias has shown us the way. We need never fear the Sernaix again!...as long as we keep finding traitorous Ship Minds with really big ships.

Chakotay: Well, we certainly rocked in that battle. Now let's rock something else -- the casbah! Hubba hubba!
Janeway: Will you please just accept the fact that this isn't a J/C episode?
Chakotay: Don't be silly. In VVS8, every episode is a J/C episode.

Kim: You know what the moral of this story is?
Seven: No, what?
Kim: I'm really good at talking machines into killing themselves. First "Warhead," now this.
Seven: Oh no! Run, Doctor! Run!
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.