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Five-Minute "Enigmas"

by Zeke

Doctor's Log: I'm feeling ignored, so I'm going to commit theft. On an unrelated topic, I think my reasoning subroutine may be malfunctioning.

Sycorax: Any progress on the plan to escape the Bubble by using Voyager's systems?
Graxen: What? That doesn't make sense. Last episode, nobody had any problem with destroying the ship outright.
Sycorax: Gimme some progress and maybe I won't eat you alive.
Graxen: Yes, ma'am.

Doc: Morning, Harry. I've come under a transparent excuse to steal a Sernaix item.
Kim: It's over there.

Doc: Okay, now I'll just push some random buttons. OW! Okay, that's the pain button. Maybe this is the pleasure button...OW! Nope, pain again. Oo, a button marked "Hurl Voyager out of the Bubble and into the distant future!" Wonder what that one does?

Paris: ....and if you ask me, "Ratty" is a terrible name. How would you like it if I called you Kimmy?
Kim: Sweet God in heaven!
Janeway: What is it, Harry? Have we been hurled out of the Bubble and into the distant future?
Kim: Yes, but that's not what I was talking about. "Kimmy"? Tom, what the heck are you on?

Janeway: Okay, we'll go over it again. First you get in the shuttle, then you fly down to the planet--
Chakotay: But I can't fly!
Janeway: You're in the shuttle at that point, remember? Then you land on the planet, find the Starfleet thing, and come back.
Chakotay: Got it. I understand. Oh, hang on...tell me again what to do first?
Janeway: Sigh....
Chakotay: Okay, I can do that. (ahem) Sigh.
Janeway: That's it, I'm getting out of here.

Chakotay: GASP -- I've found Data's head! I mean a Maquis phaser. Sorry, got confused there.

Finley: ....at which point the inertial dampers went offline. We weren't killed because the magic elves who live in the dampers saved us like in "Timeless."
Doc: I don't remember that. Or anything else from the last day.
Finley: Oh. In that case, other major events today have included a jousting tournament in the mess hall, the grisly murder of all those useless Pleiades people, and a new dress code.

Kim: Okay, I'll take a look at your -- AAAAAA! I wanted to take a look at your program, not your...that!
Doc: But I'm just following the new dress code. Say, why are you still wearing clothes?

Chakotay: Frankly, I think we should just completely give up and never try to get home ever again.
Janeway: And I say we must get home now! Even if it costs me your life!
Chakotay: Let's just agree to disagree here. So can I lead an excavation team to find out what Data's head was doing there?
Janeway: Whose head?
Chakotay: Oh, sorry. I meant the Maquis phaser.
Janeway: S'okay, easy mistake to make.

Doc: Found the problem with my program yet?
Kim: No, but I've mostly been ogling Seven the whole time. (Seven and I are of course just friends.)
Seven: Really? I've been ogling you too. (Harry's just a friend, really.)
Doc: Hey! Where are you two going?
Kim and Seven: To try out the new dress code! Woo! (Friends, we swear. That's all.)

Chakotay: I suppose you minor characters are wondering why I've called you here today. The theory is that I can make you do unpaid work as long as you keep your mouths shut.
Minor Characters:
Chakotay: That's the spirit!

Kim: ....and of course that would affect the arrow of time.
Janeway: That would explain Data's head.
Kim: "Data's head"? Captain, I'm explaining technical scientific stuff.
Janeway: I'm not going to explain this one, kid. If you didn't get it, that's your problem.

Paris: I think we could raise morale by firing up the holodeck.
Janeway: Good idea. Break out the compression phaser rifles.

Wildman: Commander, Naomi's a J/Cer and she was wondering if--
Chakotay: Oh, please. I think we all know who's the J/Cer here.
Wildman: Oo, oo! Is it you?
Chakotay: You wish.

Janeway: The scientific theories won't get us home. For the first time, technobabble has failed us.
Chakotay: I failed too...there was nothing else where I found Data's head.
Janeway: Phaser. Not a head, a phaser.
Chakotay: Oops -- sorry, I keep forgetting.
Janeway: Don't worry, I've been having the same problem.

Tuvok: May I say a few words of encouragement and moral support?
Chakotay: That would make me very, very angry.

Janeway: Let's do some subtle J/C innuendo. (ahem) Hey Chakotay, let's go to my quarters and get busy!
Chakotay: I'll try to be subtle too. (ahem) But your quarters are so far, and there's a pool table right here!

Chakotay: ....and so the Starfleet signature turned out to be Data's phaser, or possibly a Maquis head.
Ayala: Commander, are you drunk?
Chakotay: Who're you callin' a skunk?

Janeway: So the phaser is Dalby's? That's one mystery solved, but now we have a new one.
Chakotay: You mean the mystery of how the phaser got there?
Janeway: No no, this one: whose head was it?

Kim: We've been sucked back into the Bubble for no reason.
Janeway: That's not important. What matters is that Chakotay and I still have each other.
Chakotay: Um...we'd better stop flirting, Finley. The captain might notice.
Finley: You have my number.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.