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Five-Minute "Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy"

by Zeke

Doc: LA la la la la LA....
Tuvok: RRRRRRRR! I kill you!
Doc: No you don't. I hereby sedate you.
All but Kim: Bravo, Doctor!
Kim: What's going on here? You're all completely out of character.
Janeway: This is a dream sequence, moron. See the italics?

Torres: You can't come on the away team. Ha ha.
Doc: Of course, with you off the ship, Seven will be in charge of Engineering. Or possibly Vorik.
Torres: Well, that certainly put me in my place.

Janeway: Doc wants more power.
Chakotay: He should switch to Duracell.

Potato Alien Employee: Let's scan the ship.
Potato Alien Overseer: Sorry, you'll have to go over my head. If I give you permission, I can't establish myself as a jerk.

Chakotay: ....and the shuttle shouldn't have any trouble landing since I'll be staying here on the ship....
Seven: Blah, blah, blah. Hey Doc, I want you.
Torres: Hey! I want Doc!
Janeway: You're all fired.
I want Doc.
Doc: See, this dream isn't so farfetched.

Janeway: Sorry, I'd rather give command subroutines to Tom's toaster than to you.
Doc: Awwww! But what if I need to steal the warp core someday?

Janeway: Congratulations! The ECH program worked so well with the toaster, we're giving one to you too.
Doc: Sweet! Now for my acceptance speech. You may want to sit down, I'll be several hours....

Employee: My spying has revealed that this hologram is the coolest guy in the universe.
Overseer: Now how did Voyager get Vic Fontaine?

Neelix: You know, we Talaxians believe that--
Doc: Get lost, warthog boy. I feel a heroic captaincy dream coming on.

Janeway: Uh oh, it's the Borg. GAK!
Doc: Janeway's down -- it's up to me! Computer, make me a captain!
Computer: Oh, all right. But shouldn't Chakotay be the one to take command?
Doc: You don't honestly
mean that, do you?
Computer: No.

Employee: Trouble. Voyager has a photonic cannon.
Overseer: Photonic...that means holographic, right? So we have nothing to worry about.
Employee: That reasoning applies to photon torpedoes too.
Overseer: No, it would apply to photonic torpedoes. Moron.

Chakotay: For saving us from the Borg, I declare you my personal hero. Soon I will shave my head in your honour.
Doc: Something about this seems unrealistic, but what?

Doc: My fantasies are out of control. I need your help.
Torres: That sounds indecent.
Seven: I'm up for it. Hey B'Elanna, shall we have another round of "I want Doc"?
Torres: Yes, let's.
Warp Core: Anybody mind if I breach? No? Cool.
Doc: Ohhhhh boy.

Torres: Doc's malfunctions are causing him to behave erratically and inconsistently.
Janeway: I can relate.

Kim: Let's peek into Doc's fantaWHOAAAAAAAAA!
Janeway: Well, if it isn't Seven posing nude. How very Titanic of Doc. What's the next scene, Harry?
Kim: Hubbahubbahubbahubba....
Janeway: Forget it.

Doc: B'Elanna, we have to break up.
Torres: What? Nooooo! Why?
Doc: I'm sick of all the assassination attempts. Those P/Ters are persistent.
Janeway: You're going to kill Doc for this, aren't you?
Torres: Nah. I'll just leave his castration subroutine activated till he learns his lesson.

Employee: Oh heck. It looks like I've been watching Doc's fantasies, not his real life.
Other Employee: That's okay. "Real Life" was a little contrived.

Janeway: You know, I think maybe we should consider Doc's idea.
Chakotay: The ECH thing? What for?
Janeway: Let's face it, pal -- in an emergency, we're better off with a cheese stick in command than you.
Chakotay: I would resent that if it were less true.

Doc: Hey! Who the bejeebus are you?
Employee: I'm a pudgy, tuber-like alien who wants to save your ship. Listen, first you have to--
Doc: Hold it. Don't you have a name, Fatso?
Employee: Yes. And unfortunately, that's it.

Doc: Guess what? There's a bunch of cloaked ships behind us!
Kim: Oh crap, he's right! Captain, permission to run in circles and scream like a girl?
Janeway: Next time, Mr. Kim. I have a better solution -- rip off both "The Emissary" and "The Corbomite Maneuver" at one stroke.
Chakotay: GASP -- the dreaded Double Unoriginality Maneuver! It's never been tried!
Janeway: Neither had using Buns of Steel on your hair. I made that work for a while, didn't I?

Overseer: I've got an idea: let's suddenly change the attack plan, tossing a wrench into your plan to help the Doctor.
Employee: How did you know about the secret plan?
Overseer: Oh, I can't tell you.
Employee: Why not?
Overseer: Temporal Prime Directive.

Overseer: (over the comm) Surrender.
ECH: No. We have a photonic cannon.
Overseer: Ha! I laugh at your fictional weaponry. Hahahaha!
Paris: Uh oh. Better wing it, Doc....
ECH: Um...er...did I mention we also have a really really big deep fryer?
Overseer: Oh no -- that could do great damage to our potato-like selves! We must flee!
Paris: Nicely done.
ECH: Thanks.

Janeway: In recognition of your exemplary service, I hereby confer upon your ECH self the status of future plot device.
Doc: Yahoo! All I need now is some lovin'....
Seven: I think I'll go help B'Elanna with that subroutine she mentioned.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 11, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.