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Five-Minute "Barge of the Dead"

by Zeke

Torres: Help! My shuttle's crashing!
Chakotay: Hey, you're stealing my bit!

Janeway: Don't do that again, Lanna.
Torres: Okay, Metaphorical Mom.

Chakotay: Hey, I found this Klingon thing.
Torres: Who cares? Hey, it's bleeding.

Kim: It's not bleeding, and I'm tired, and you suck, so go away!
Neelix: By the way, tomorrow's Klingon Day.
Torres: Do I have to do anything?

Tuvok: ...and that's what your dream means.
Torres: Not likely. You suck, Logic Boy.
Tuvok: That's it, I'm switching to Evil Tuvok again. You may remember him from such episodes as "Cathexis" and "Meld."

Doc: Klingon drinking songs are not irrelevant!
Seven: Oh? Why not?
Doc: Um...well...just because.

Neelix: Try some gagh! I shook it so it looks alive.
Torres: Uh...I'll pass, thanks. How come you're all worshipping Klingons now?
Paris: We are not! Now quiet, it's time for the captain's offical Klingon Worship Speech.
Janeway: Klingons are -- AAAGHH!
Torres: Oo, good speech. AAAGHH!

Torres: Where am I?
Kortar: This is the Barge of the Dead. Hence the title.
Torres: What do you people do here?
Kortar: Mainly we sit around branding people, getting seasick, screaming, and feeling sorry for ourselves.
Torres: This barge bites! I wanna go home! Oh, hi Mom.
Miral: Hey, you're not dead. Bye!

Torres: ...and then I saw my Mom! It all felt real!
Chakotay: It still probably wasn't.
Torres: I don't care. I have to go back.
Paris: If you die, can I have all your stuff?

Janeway: I don't think you should do this.
Torres: Bite me.

Paris: This is insane! Don't do it!
Torres: Sorry, I'm doing it anyway.
Paris: In that case, let's kiss.

Miral: Hey, you're back! Let's get in an argument.
Torres: Okay, but we'll have to keep it short -- I have an appointment with Hell.

Kortar: So you want to die so your Mom can go to Heaven?
Torres: Yep.
Kortar: You're cheating. Wanna do it for real?
Torres: Yep.
Evil Tuvok: Time to walk the plank, matey!

Torres: Hey, I thought I was dead!
Neelix: You are. Turns out Voyager's Hell.
Torres: Well, that I already knew.

Doc: She's dying! Twenty cc's of technobabble, stat!

Voyager Crew: And now it's time for "10 Things I Hate About B'Elanna!"
Evil Tuvok: Screw that, just die!

Torres: Mom? But I just screwed up my afterlife for you!
Miral: That's what you think. Turns out this is actually a metaphysical journey of self-discovery.
Torres: All things considered, I'd prefer Hell.

Evil Tuvok: En garde!
Torres: What do all you people want from me?
Everybody: Nothing much.
Torres: Oh, okay. Bye, Mom!
Miral: Bye, honey. See ya, or maybe not.

Torres: I'm back!
Paris: Nuts, guess I don't get your stuff.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 20, 2000.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2000, Zeke.