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Five-Minute "Alice"

by Zeke

Paris: Come on, Tuvok, tell us your age!
Tuvok: For the last time, I'm 29.
Paris: You lie.
Tuvok: So? It'll just get contradicted in "Fury."

Abaddon: Greetings. I am Abaddon, the outer space junk dealer.
Neelix: That used to be my job. Now I'm stuck on this cheap ship.
Chakotay: Funny...Janeway told me she paid through the teeth for it.

Paris: WHOA! Get a load of that ship! I love it!
Seven: You love it?
Paris: Yeah! It's like a beautiful girl...except hollow. And made of metal. And a completely different shape. And armed with lasers.
Seven: You are unworthy of assimilation.

Chakotay: Look, I don't see why we need that ship. Don't you already have a girlfriend?
Paris: Well, yeah...but she doesn't have torpedoes, you know?
Chakotay: Point.

Abaddon: ....and make sure to give her chocolates on Valentine's Day, and don't tell her to fetch you beers, and....
Paris: Look, I think I know how to treat a woman. Um, ship.
Neelix: You two disgust me.

Paris: Hey Harry, I've called the ship Alice.
Kim: Awwwww, you didn't take my suggestion!
Paris: Come on, did you honestly expect me to call her the Boiling Hell?
Kim: It would have been funny!

Alice (Ship): Thrum thrum thrum...hey, don't tell anybody, but I'm secretly a vampire ship. Isn't that cool?

Paris: Whoa, it's a beautiful woman! Like Alice, but without all those differences!
Alice (Person): Hi. I suck minds. Aren't I cute?
Paris: You're the cutest personified vampire ship I've ever laid eyes on.
Alice: Thanks.

Seven: Look what we found in the junk Abaddon sold u--
Neelix: Shut up. Go away.
Seven: See, it's valuable and st--
Neelix: Begone. Scram.
Seven: Somebody's cranky.

Paris: Hi Neelix. Let's talk about our ships.
Neelix: I hate you! I hate you all! Leave me alone!
Paris: Why have you been so...evil lately?
Neelix: Have you ever tried providing comic relief for five straight years? No? I didn't think so! Eventually there comes a point when you SNAP LIKE A TWIG!
Paris: Fortunately, this is your last scene for a while.
Neelix: What? NOOOOO! Don't leave me! I get so lonely....

Paris: Hey B'Elanna, this is Alice. She sucks minds.
Torres: Charmed. Okay, now let's drink champagne and say sappy romantic things.
Paris: B'Elanna...your eyes are like the twin moons of Pluto....
Torres: Pluto has only one m--hey, get away from that console!
Paris: But Alice needs me!
Torres: You've obviously got an unhealthy addiction to this ship. I'll react to that by storming off and not getting help.

Chakotay: Are you getting addicted to something?
Paris: Why do you care?
Chakotay: Good question. Never mind, then.

Alice: Steal stuff.
Paris: But...but....
Alice: Steal stuff!
Paris: A spine would come in handy right about now.

Kim: I'm sure Tom will soon cease to be obsessed with Alice. Grumble.
Torres: Why did you grumble?
Kim: That name still irks me. Wouldn't the Boiling Hell have been much better?
Torres: It's been done, Harry.

Torres: That does it. Time to investigate this vampire ship.
Alice: I've got a better idea: asphyxiation.
Torres: That's not a b--ARRRRRGHHHH! Can't...breathe....
Paris: Hey, knock it off, Alice. Sorry, she does that sometimes.

Torres: Tom has been mentally possessed by an effeminate brain-draining ship! Do something!
Janeway: Buh?

Harry: Uh oh, Tom's leaving the shuttlebay! We'd better do something to stop him!
Tuvok: Like what? Security precautions? Force fields? Tractor beams? You make me laugh.

Paris: Where are we going?
Alice: To a particle fountain.
Paris: Boring. Is it at least a particle fountain of youth?
Alice: Yes, if by "youth" you mean "death."
Paris: Oh.

Abaddon: You again? What do you want?
Neelix: Give us some information about Alice and we'll give you this priceless gem...you bucket of festering scum. God, I hate you. I hate you all.
Abaddon: Done.

Seven: Tom's headed for that particle fountain.
Janeway: Quick, let's follow him. Never mind that he has a big head start because we've wasted all kinds of time talking to Abaddon.

Alice: Here we are! Say something intelligent, boyfriend!
Paris: I think I should have called you Christine.

Torres: Hi Tom. I've been projected into your mind to de-ensnare you from Alice.
Alice: Don't listen to her! "De-ensnare" isn't even a word!
Paris: Great, now I have to choose between you two. Can't I have a girlfriend and a mind-sucking vampire ship?
Torres: I don't have either one, and I'm not complaining.

Kim: We've somehow beamed Tom back.
Janeway: Excellent. Now let's watch Alice die.
Kim: Shouldn't we take action? I mean, she's bad, but she's obviously also sentient....
Janeway: You seem to be confusing me with one of those bleeding-heart TNG characters.

Paris: I'm sorry I did so very, very many awful things to you. Again.
Torres: S'okay -- after "Barge of the Dead," it was your turn.
Paris: Thanks. Now let's kiss so the P/Ters get their quota for this season.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 11, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.