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Five-Minute "The Rising Storm I"

by Zeke

Sycorax: Sigh. Losing the war sucks.
Adimh: It's not your fault, Adimha. Who could have guessed that openly challenging a race of supremely powerful aliens would be unwise?
Sycorax: Are you being sarcastic or are you just a yes-man?
Adimh: That's absolutely right, ma'am. I completely agree.

Janeway: Sigh. Winning the war sucks.
Chakotay: I know you're worried, and normally I'd be all comforting, but are you aware that the fleet heads meeting isn't over yet?
Talat: It's okay. Don't mind us. Keep talking about how it sucks that we're winning.
Janeway: Oh, great... I've lost your loyalty, haven't I?
Kashyk: Not at all, my dear. You didn't have it originally.

Miral: Up! Up!
Paris: Poor Miral... she doesn't understand why she can't lift Toby with her powers anymore.
Torres: It's so tragic... sob...
Miral: What? I know where the powers went, you doofs. I'm telling Toby to get up because he's sitting on my rattle.
Toby: Mwahahahaha! I am triumphant!

Radaik: The Sernaix are creaming us! How can you just sit there?
Koval: Calm down, my backstabbing friend. I have... ways of ensuring that everything will turn out all right.
Radaik: I think you're taking that "Evil Future Guy" game you play far too seriously.
Koval: Game? The time machine is real, you fool!

West: This meeting of the evil Section 31 will now come to --
West: ...Yes. Seagal, what do you have?
Seagal: Well, the Romulans seem to be --
West: Dammit, did Warhol send that robot duplicate that only says "Kill Janeway" again?
Seagal: No, this is really him.

Prompter: Okay, you're up. Say the line.
Rotor: Give me a minute. Now 5 plus 8 is 13, minus 6 is 7... but that still leaves the 4... whereas 5 times 8 is --
Prompter: Oh, come on! All you need to say is "I now control 58.6 percent of the Constructive."
Rotor: And if I'm specifying that exact number, there must be a 47 in it somewhere! Now let me think....

Brock: Here's the next bunch of planets we're letting you attack.
Adimh Jal: Hey, everybody, how about rebelling against Sycorax?
Sycorax: Thank you. That's exactly what I needed.
Adimh Nakat: Sounds great, but what if she retaliates?
Brock: Oh, by the way, how did things go with Species 8472?
Adimh Jivrad: That's nothing to worry about. What can possibly harm us?
Sycorax: I don't think that's really your business.
Jal: Then it's decided. We strike at daybreak!
Brock: Yes, I suppose that's right. Sorry I was pushy.
Nakat: Geez, this scene is making me dizzy. I need to sit down.

Janeway: I think I may finally have a solution to our problem, Chakotay.
Chakotay: What was wrong with mine?
Janeway: We've been over this. There's no such thing as vampire ninjas.
Chakotay: You're thinking of my plan to get Hanson back together. I'm talking about the one with the nuclear missile made of parmesan.
Janeway: I think we'd better stop here in case this conversation gets even stupider.
Chakotay: At least it makes sense, unlike that last one.
Janeway: Hey, when you try to turn a series of alternating scenes into fiver format, something's got to give.

Sycorax: Behold, everyone! We have new targets!
Jal: Hey, these targets suck!
Sycorax: I suppose you have a better idea? Oo, I know, let's attack Species 8472! That can't go wrong!
Nakat: That was your idea.
Sycorax: Really? Wow, that wasn't very bright of me.
Jivrad: You know, guys, she's taking some of the challenge out of this rebellion.

West: Ah, you're back. How did it go with Sycorax?
Brock: As usual, the meeting was a complete success.
Seagal: (over the comm) Sir! The Sernaix are blowing up stuff that's not on the list!
West: This is your complete success?
Brock: I consider it a success every time I visit Sycorax and she doesn't eat me.

Sernaix Fleet: Hello. We're here to utterly annihilate you.
Starbase 21: No worries. I've got starships defending me. Right, starships?
The Debris Formerly Known as Starships: Umm....
Starbase 21: Oh. Well then.

Admiral Paris: The casualty count is in the thousands, including at least two puppies. Poor... sweet... puppies... (sob)
Admiral Ross: That tears it! Something has to be done about these monsters!
Warhol: I agree. How dare they kill innocent people I haven't given them permission to?
Ross: Um....
Warhol: I mean, come on! It's not like I didn't give them enough!
Ross: You know, we're still here....
Warhol: I offered them whole planets full of innocent people! Probably puppies too! And still they want more!
Ross: I think maybe we should leave him alone, Owen....
Warhol: Well, that does it! This time I swear to God they're off the Christmas list!

West: Sycorax, we had a deal....
Sycorax: (over the comm) I know that, fool. The packs are rebelling against me. You know, there's a good joke about card games here, what with "deal" and "packs," but I'm too angry to make it.
West: That's for the best. I'd have to deck you.

Kim: Whoa! I'm getting visions from the Realm!
Seven: Are you okay, my sweet and wonderful Harry?
Kim: As long as you're here beside me, my dumpling of -- OW!

Kim: Where... where am I? I didn't collapse mysteriously again, did I?
Doc: It wasn't mysterious at all, Ensign. Tuvok neckpinched you to stop the K/7 onslaught.
Kim: I need to see the captain right away. Where is she?
Janeway: Under her ready room desk, covering her ears. She doesn't know Tuvok stopped you two and she's not taking any chances.

Kim: ...So that's how I know Sycorax is after Suspiria. Yes, Suspiria, the one-shot throwaway character from Season 2 that no one really needed to see again.
Janeway: Then let's not. I have a plan involving someone else we didn't need to see again.
Kim: Hanson?
Janeway: There's something very wrong with you and Chakotay.

Paris: Entering orbit of New Ocampa. Can I have another line? This episode has really sucked for me so far.
Tuvok: Oh, I feel so sorry for you.
Janeway: Quiet, both of you. I'm heading down to the surface; Paris, you have the bridge.
Paris: Thank you, ma--
Janeway: Not you. Miral.

Kes: Hey, didn't I just ditch you people? I mean, welcome back! It's so good to see you!
Janeway: Uh huh. Look, how would you feel about helping us end the war?
Kes: Would there be work involved?
Janeway: Ah, Kes. You haven't changed a bit.


Previous fiver: Defenders of the Realm
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This fiver was originally published on July 4, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Zeke.