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Five-Minute "Defenders of the Realm"

by Zeke

Zeke: Hello and welcome to Five-Minute VVS9! As with Enterprise and Andromeda, I'm going to provide a "sorry for the delay" scene here, but this time I'll speak for myself instead of using a character.
Seven: It would have been more efficient simply to speak through a character possessing no personality to interfere with the presentation. Mr. Kim would have been an appropriate choice.
Zeke: Sorry, folks. I promised Seven she could be in this scene so she'd get one last chance to be contemptuous of Harry.
Seven: Mr. Kim is irrelevant.
Zeke: Thank you, Seven, that'll do.
Seven: And futile.
Zeke: Ahem!
Seven: My apologies. I will now leave to begin my shift. I have been scheduled to work with Mr. Kim, so I will require extra time to correct his errors.
Zeke: Oh, get out of here. And now, let the show begin....

Tuvok: The Sernaix have us surrounded. We're so dead.
Barton: I suggest --
Janeway: Nobody cares. Shall we punch our way through, Mr. Paris?
Paris: Spoken with the wisdom of someone who thinks her plaque is a cue card, ma'am.
Barton: Wait... that's what's on the plaque? What happened to Alfred Lord Tennyson?
Janeway: He died in 1891, apparently of gout. What's your point?

Nesoph: This whole phase-breaking thing could be a terrible disaster.
Mateth: Yes, but it could also be a wonderful disaster.
Nesoph: That doesn't make sense.
Mateth: You don't make sense.
Nesoph: You.
Mateth: You.

Paris: Woo hoo! We won!
Tuvok: It's still a bad idea to be overconfident.
Janeway: Shut up, Barton.
Barton: But, captain, Tuvok was the one who --
Janeway: You can't lie your way out of this!

Kim: Oh, cruel fate! Why have you ended the most bland relationship of my life before it could even begin?
Fate: Common decency.
Kim: Blasphemy! What about the First Commandment of VS9?
Fate: Yeah, yeah... "Thou shalt not have common decency." Sue me.

Grant: Unwelcome aboard the starship Logan. Take a station and keep your damn mouth shut.
Chakotay: Do the others get to talk?
Grant: Not usually, but I'm making an exception today so you'll feel left out.
Young: Ha ha!

Shiv'rell: Hi, I'm here to show that there are new crew members. Know who sucks? B'Elanna.
Vorik: Close your big blue yap!
Torres: Vorik! Aren't you supposed to be logical?
Vorik: Not with Andorians. Those sons of blatches still owe us for P'Jem.
Torres: After 200 years?
Vorik: We really like holding grudges.

Seven: Where's the Realm?
Oz: I ain't talkin'.
Seven: Some wonderful wizard you are.
Oz: All right, I'll tell. Just don't make that joke again.

Caretaker: Hi! Remember me?
Kim: Do you have anything to do with Seven?
Caretaker: No.
Kim: Then I don't care who you are.
Caretaker: Well, great. How can my K/T plans have gone so wrong?
Kim: Shhhh! Are you trying to get caught by the Shipper Inquisition?

Chakotay: Eight hours on duty and no one once baked me cookies. I hate this ship.
Computer: Cheer up! At least nobody here is trying to shove you and Janeway together.
Chakotay: Hey, you're right! Maybe the universe's J/C curse has finally worn off.
Computer: Yep, just K/7 for us now.
Chakotay: My God. I've traded one hell for another.

Oz: I've prepared two versions of the Realm briefing: a boring 30000-word essay and a full-cast opera of epic scope.
Tuvok: Boring version! Boring version!
Janeway: Let's just get to the point. Where's the Realm and how do we beat it up?
Oz: You think I'm going to betray my own people?
Janeway: I'll give you candy for it.
Oz: Ooo, candy.

Janeway: How could you talk to B'Elanna that way?
Barton: What? I didn't --
Janeway: God, don't you ever stop talking? You're not in Chakotay's class at all.
Barton: I was so! We took starship design together at the Academy. He was always going on about his idea for a wooden ship....
Janeway: That does it! From now on, I'm wearing earplugs whenever you're in the room!

Grant: What are our orders, Admiral?
Warhol: (over the comm) Be evil.
Grant: That's our mission, not our orders. Shouldn't we be going somewhere?
Warhol: Hmmm... you have a point. Go to Disneyworld.

Caretaker: ....So I thought about making your captain a god instead of you, but the Mulgrewites beat me to it.
Kim: And I was your second choice?
Caretaker: Are you kidding? My second choice was Angelina Jolie. You take what you can get.

Chakotay: I need to find out the dark Section 31 secrets of this ship. Time for one of my irresistible pickup lines. (ahem) Did you say your name is Jones? 'Cause I'm jonesin' for your loving, baby.
Jones: Aww, you're sweet. But I'm still not giving you my Section 31 secrets.
Chakotay: How 'bout your Victoria's Secrets? Rowr!
Jones: Do I have to slap you?
Chakotay: Mmm, sounds like fun. Where did you have in mOWWWWWW!

Sycorax: Have we got the info from Harry's brain yet?
Adimh: Ummmm....
Sycorax: Well, I'm tired of waiting. Dissect him.
Adimh: I think that plan may fail, Your Wideness. This season's theme is "Harry Kim is God."
Sycorax: I thought it was "the new Voyager kicks your butt."
Adihm: That's the season's moral. A lot of people confuse them.

Doctor: Looks like B'Elanna's DNA has the whole Touched By A Caretaker thing going on, but scrambled because of that time she ripped off "The Enemy Within."
Paris: Then why the heck does Miral have the powers?
Torres: Honey, we haven't discovered that yet.
Paris: Doesn't answer my question.

Kim: Okay, enough chitchat. Let's get some backstory going on.
Caretaker: Once upon a time, my mate and I gave some technology to the Sernaix in violation of our Prime Directive, not to mention everything remotely resembling common sense.
Kim: Hang on -- let's not make this another "Acquisition." What's your race called?
Caretaker: The Nacene. And our directive is the Nacene Creed.
Kim: I didn't ask for your life story.
Caretaker: Yes you did.
Kim: True. By the way, shut up.

Janeway: I can't believe I'm stuck eating dinner with you two.
Torres: Yeah, we'll all be happier when J/C is back on.
Paris: I dunno. Personally, I think J/B would be really cool.
Miral: DADDY!
Paris: Um... with the B standing for BChakotay, of course.

Kim: Free at last! I'm free at last! Thank God Almighty, I am ripping off Martin Luther King, Jr.!
Quark: I did it better.
Kim: Oh, go away. Unless you've got something to sell me.

Vorik: (over the comm) Harry just called!
Janeway: Do you mind? I'm trying to chat with Seven, like I always used to do on the show.
Vorik: Don't give me the "always used to." We both know full well you were talking about J/C.
Seven: He's got you there.
Janeway: Shhh.

Drones: You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Kim: You're not Borg drones, you're little security drones like in Insurrection. Get in character.
Drones: Umm... beep beep?

Janeway: Okay, here's the plan: we go find Harry and just sorta hope there are no big-@$$ ships guarding him.
Barton: Tuvok, there's a flaw in Janeway's plan, but she can't hear me through her earplugs. I need you to tell her.
Tuvok: Captain, there is a flaw in your plan.
Janeway: Really? What is it?
Tuvok: The rest of us don't have earplugs. We can still hear Barton.

Adimh: Voyager is attacking us!
Sycorax: What kind of report was that? I demand a sung version!
Adimh: Oh, fine. (ahem) Here comes Voyager, here comes Voyager, right down Voyager Lane....

Janeway: Time to kick some Sernaix butt. Tuvok, fire the Kep Gun!
Tuvok: (Pssst... Tom, what's a Kep Gun?)
Paris: (Beats me. Wasn't Barton supposed to handle the new weapons?)
Barton: Mrmph rmmm! Mph!
Janeway: I'm so glad I thought of getting a mouthplug for her.

Adimh: Frère Jacques! Frère Jacques! Dormez-vous? Dormez-"Voyager is firing at us"?
Sycorax: Return fire!
Adimh: Too late. They escaped with Harry while I was figuring out how to put that in a song.

Kim: Where... where am I?
Janeway: We rescued you. Welcome, at last, to the most preposterous starship ever built.
Barton: That's assuming Chakotay never gets to build his yacht.
Janeway: Hey, what happened to your mouthplug?
Barton: It wasn't easy, but I swallowed it.
Kim: I'm very, very confused right now.
Seven: Then embrace the simplicity of K/7.
Kim: Oh, you're on board! Good. Now I can quit caring about any of the others.

Doctor: Bad news, guys. Harry's not human anymore.
Paris: He was human before?
Janeway: Wait, wait. Isn't this a recycled plot idea from Season 3?
Doctor: I'm afraid so.
Janeway: So you're telling me that, of all the episodes we could have ripped off, the one we picked for our central plotline was "Favourite Son"?
Doctor: Precisely.
Janeway: Something tells me this will be a long, long, LONG season....
(Season 9 begins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 16, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.