Home Prev 5MV: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "48 Hours"

by Zeke

Torres: Our daughter's first birthday...what an important occasion. Makes you think, doesn't it?
Paris: It makes me think about J/C.
Torres: That's odd. How come?
Paris: I don't know. It's been like this all year, you know...every time something important has happened, I've only been able to think about the J/C implications.
Torres: A lot of the crew have had that problem, I hear.

Kim: This ship seriously kicks butt. It's made of all kinds of technology we have no business being able to understand.
Ship: And do you know what it's like when nobody understands you? It's terrible! I don't even have a name, for Fred's sake!

Seven: I think I need medical help.
Doc: What's that? "Please speak bitterly to me about K/7?" Happy to oblige.
Seven: On second thought, I think you need medical help.

Tuvok: Birthdays suck.
T'Pel: That seems a little harsh.
Tuvok: See how you feel about them after you've had 114.

Barton: I'm here for the secret Section 31 evil cackling session.
Guy: Right this way.

Janeway: How's the party going?
Torres: Terrible! Everybody's just wandering around, wondering "Where's Chakotay? Where's Chakotay?"
Chakotay: Here I am!
Everybody: Hooray! Now J/C can start!
Janeway: Again with the J/C. Honestly, sometimes I think I've spent the last year in some kind of virtual reality.

Paris: A toast...to the journey.
Janeway: You did that one already.
Paris: Where in the Constitution does it say I have to be original?

Seven: Um, Harry? That's not a piñata. That's a stuffed hippo in a C/7 T-shirt.
Kim: I know.

Janeway: Let's do that disgusting finger-licking thing so as to enrage J/Cers with C/7 imagery.
Chakotay: Sounds like a plan. Speaking of which, you're beautiful when you're chopping.
Janeway: But I'm not chopping anything.
Chakotay: We're standing under a tree, aren't we? Get started, ugly girl.

Paris: Thanks for coming, everybody. Now please leave before you succumb to the poison I put in the wine.
Torres: Tom! How can you say that?
Paris: I'm sorry, dear. Make that "the poison B'Elanna put in the wine."

Seven: So what are your future plans?
Tuvok: Well, I figure I'll go look at the water under the 59th Street Bridge. Or maybe I'll head out on the New Jersey turnpike and look for America.
T'Pel: We found it, honey, remember? I asked for directions. That's how we got to the party.
Tuvok: Ah yes. Well, who knows? Maybe we'll lose it again.
Seven: You two are being very inconsiderate to people who don't know the work of Simon & Garfunkel.

Paris: Time for that romantic dinner we missed in "Renaissance Man."
Torres: Wow! You'd take that risk for me?
Paris: What risk?
Torres: Last time you tried this, you ended up kissing the Doctor....

Kim: I just heard someone mention kissing. Let's try it.
Seven: Okay. You kiss Janeway and I'll kiss Tuvok.
Kim: What kind of sick, twisted shipper are you?

Barton: And now for a meeting of the evil Section 31.
Barton: I second that motion. All opposed?

Kim: Well, goodnight, Se--WHOAAAA!
Seven: Yes! I'm finally free of that--
Seven's Conscience: AHEM!
Seven: Whoops. Um...oh dear. Harry is gone. What ever shall I do without him. Woe is me.

Paris: And now, let the romantic dancing begin.
Whitney Houston: Annnnnd IIIIIII-ee-IIIIIII-ee-IIIIIII will always love yoouuuuuuuuu....
Torres: That does it! Tom, your obsession with the 20th century has gone too far!
Seven: (over the comm) Guys, Harry's been kidn--OWWW! What is that sound on your end?
Paris: Nobody appreciates good slowdance music....
Torres: That, my dear, is because there's NO SUCH THING.

Paris: They've kidnapped Harry!
Admiral Paris: This calls for immediate and tension-inducing action. Go find Chakotay with Janeway "unexpectedly."
Paris: Aw. Why me?
Admiral Paris: Because there are still J/Pers out there. If we don't feed them something, anything, they may finally attack and destroy us all.

Chakotay: This is, without question, the smuttiest scene we've done yet. I think somebody's indulging.
Janeway: Maybe this will finally satisfy those evil J/Cers, ending the torture.
Chakotay: Oh, Kathryn, don't get your hopes up again. You know you'll just be disappointed.

Tuvok: No luck finding Harry yet.
Janeway: Well, no wonder. What cheesebrain put you in charge of the investigation? You've never even read a Christie book.
Tuvok: Did too! I read The Murdered Sun.
Janeway: Agatha Christie, not Christie Golden!
Tuvok: Oh.

Ensign: We can't contact Utopia Planitia. Oh, wait, now we can.
Janeway: That was quick. What do they have to say for themselves?
Ensign: Sernaix trouble, apparently. They want you to send Seven and any other babes you may have.

Torres: We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!
Ozymandias: Everybody comes up with that and thinks it's original. Anyway, the bad news is that Section 31 kidnapped Harry and gave him to the Sernaix.
Seven: What's the good news?
Ozymandias: Sycorax is about to launch a massive invasion of the quadrant.
Torres: That's good news?
Ozymandias: She owes me fifteen bucks. How am I gonna collect it otherwise?

Seven: ....and that, you mostly-evil admirals, is enough information to explain the whole season.
Janeway: Wow -- the "Seven knows everything" cliché is back! Maybe I was wrong to think J/Cers run the universe....
Seven: Ow! I just got brutally injured for no reason!
Janeway: Never mind.

Ross: Now that we know about Section 31, let's--
Warhol: Hang on a sec. Will anyone here who's not currently working with Section 31 please say "aye"?
Warhol: Thought so.

Janeway: Think this plan will work?
Tuvok: How could it not? A trained hypnotist can accomplish almost anything.
Janeway: We're not talking about the same plan, are we?

Bartlett: This just in: nothing you don't already know. This report is just an excuse to take quick looks at various minor characters.
Various Minor Characters: And don't think we don't appreciate it.

Doc: Are you nuts? The council will never listen to you!
Janeway: They listened to you right after seeing you run around in a hippie costume.
Doc: True. Forget I complained.

Janeway: ....and so I feel that--
Warhol: Bla, bla, bla! I think I speak for everyone here when I say "Shut your fat mouth!"
Nechayev: I would have said big mouth, but otherwise that's correct.
Janeway: I'll only shut up if you give me the new ship.
Warhol: Fine! Take the keys! Anything! Just go!

Sycorax: Hiya, Harry. Mind if I impersonate your mom?
Kim: Why not? You can't be any more annoying than the real one.

Chakotay: That went well. Let's celebrate with another J/C scene.
Janeway: Ho-hum.

Sycorax: Shall we chat, so as to establish that we're working together?
Mr. West: Why not? There may be people in the audience who slept through all the blatant foreshadowing.
Sycorax: We'll have to get somebody to fill those people in on some other stuff. We can leave that to whoever's in the next scene.

Paris: What? Man, what a gyp!
Torres: I agree. Let's stick it to them by cutting the scene off right here.

Warhol: If I can't keep Janeway down, I can at least mess up her love life. Who's with me?
Ross: Aye!
Warhol: Aren't you usually on her side?
Ross: Yes, but she picked Chakotay over me even though I'm obviously the more bland of us.

Ross: The President wants to see you....alone.
Janeway: ....Alone?
Ross: Yes....alone.
Chakotay: Alone?
Ross: No! You left out the dramatic pause! Honestly, Kathryn, what do you see in this guy?

Bartlett: (over the comm) And now another news scene. This one's for foreshadowing.
Pavriqur: Who's got time for that? I'm--
Nameless Villain: Shut up! The more you talk, the less I get to.

Janeway: Bad news, Chakotay. You're on another ship.
Chakotay: Rats! Oh well -- at least we can have one last J/C scene, in which our makeout session is described in sickeningly vivid detail.
Janeway: Sigh...romance just isn't the same when you know the entire universe conspired to make it happen.
The Entire Universe: Shut up and make with the smooching.

Paris: Bye, dad. I'll always love and/or hate you.
Admiral Paris: Bye, son. Try not to disgrace me quite as much as usual this time.
Miral: Daddy and Grandpa can get so emotional....

Doc: Don't worry, Seven. We'll get Harry back.
Seven: At which point you'll probably kill him out of spite.
Doc: Well, not just spite. Envy too.

Tuvok: Farewell, my wife. You suuuuure were useless this season.
T'Pel: Like you were Mr. Screentime yourself.

Barton: I'm here to apply for the position of backstabbing first officer.
Janeway: Hmmm...you'll do. The rest of you can go -- the position's been filled.
Rhade, Gallatin, Gary Mitchell, Preed, and Kieran McDuff: Aw.

Mateth: And now, to break the Phase!
Assistant: Gladly, sir. Whose face shall I break?

Chakotay: Well, I'm off. Can I get some tears in the audience? This is supposed to be an emotional moment.
Audience: Boo hoo.
Chakotay: Insincere, but I'll take it.

Wildman: I'll miss you so much, Naomi....
Naomi: Are you still here?
Wildman: Sob...farewell, my daughter....
Naomi: Geez, keep it down! I'm trying to decide where Icheb and I should go on our next date.

Janeway: It wouldn't be a Voyager episode without a dramatic speech from me.
Paris: Strictly speaking, it's not a Voyager episode.
Janeway: You're not getting out of the speech, punk.

Kim: You'll never get away with this. My crew will save me! And then my doctor will kill me! Oh.
Sycorax: Wanna stay here a while longer?
Kim: May I?

Ozymandias: Oh crap, the Sernaix are coming!
Torres: Maybe you'll get your fifteen bucks. Heh heh....
Ozymandias: All right, all right! So I made up that bit! Sue me!

Sycorax: Okay, that's enough suspenseful buildup. Time to go kill stuff.

Voyager: And now, onwards to a new mission!
Massive Freaking Sernaix Fleet: Hello.
Voyager: Oh, shazbot....

Zeke: This season began with a "meta" scene, so it's only fair that it should end with one. Don't you agree?
Chakotay: I do indeed. But you realize, you didn't exactly keep your word about laying off the wood jokes.
Zeke: I tried my best. I'm only human, you know.
Chakotay: Well, whatever. I just hope the J/C is a little lighter in VS9.
Zeke: There's a VS9? I'm going to have to write another 26 fivers? Ay friggin' caramba! Do you have any IDEA how long it took to write this one?
Chakotay: Heh heh. Sucker.


Previous fiver: Secrets and Lies
Next fiver: Defenders of the Realm


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Voyager
___ ___ Virtual Season 8
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "48 Hours"

This fiver was originally published on January 16, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.