Home Prev 5MV: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Snakes in the Grass"

by Zeke

Gul Jakat: Sorry, you've got the wrong vicious Cardassian torturer. I'm mean, but I'm no David Warner.

Captain's Log: We're lost again, and Tom's too macho to stop and ask for directions. But at least we've got vicious, backstabbing Cardassians to talk to.

Kim: Seen Seven?
Doc: Seven what?
Kim: I mean the person.
Doc: Oh. No, I haven't seen that merciless D/7-betraying demon lately.
Kim: You think you've got problems...does anyone even remember what K/7 stands for anymore?

Chakotay: Seven? No, she's not here.
Janeway: Whatever; I need to get my C/7 angst on. (ahem) You stupid idiot! You're such an idiot, you idiot!
Chakotay: You know, taking this abuse isn't in my contract.
Janeway: Yes it is. Remember?
Chakotay: Oh yeah, that's right...the Gratuitous Abuse clause. I really should have read that contract before signing it.

Kim: Check this out. Computer, locate Seven of Nine.
Computer: Seven of Nine is on the bridge. April Fool! She's actually getting busy with Tattoo Boy. April Fool! She's actually sneaking up behind you with a sharp knife....
Janeway: Someone must have tampered with the computer!
Kim: Exactly -- it's not April.

Doc: You shouldn't be so mean to Chakotay.
Janeway: Why not?
Doc: It's my job now. He stole my woman!
Janeway: Well, that's true...if by "my woman" you mean "the woman with whom I was infatuated but who had no feelings for me in the least."
Doc: Yes, that's what I meant.

Janeway: Let's make a secret plan and not tell Chakotay.
Tuvok: Count me in. I love doing that.

Chell: Can I be in on the plan?
Janeway: Heheheh...no.
Chell: You would have let Neelix in. Damn you.
Janeway: Your language is getting too blue, kiddo.

Paris: I shouldn't tell you about the secret plan.
Torres: What secret plan?
Paris: The one with the Cardassians.
Torres: Cardassians? Where? GRRRRRR!
Paris: Sometimes I wonder why Janeway tells me anything.

Seven: SLAM! BAM!
Jakat: Thank you, ma'am, but your Tsunkatse moves are no match for me.
Seven: Why is that, anyway? It's not like you've had special physical training. In fact, why did you kidnap me in the first place? Does anything you do make sense?
Jakat: Those are all good questions; unfortunately, we're out of time for today. Bye!

Torres: Hey, Tuvok's wife. What's shakin'?
T'Pel: I think somebody should make a garden here. Somebody with an apostrophe in her name, perhaps.
Torres: I'll contact K'Elehyr right away.
T'Pel: How the heck would you do that? Conducting a seance or something?
Torres: Stop messing with a perfectly good joke.

Jakal: Welcome to my ship...of EVIL! BWAHAHAHAH!
Janeway: Hiya. By the way, I hate your guts on the basis of race. When you think about it, I'm basically an appalling bigot.
Tuvok: Isn't that a little out of character for you?
Janeway: Oh, this from the guy who goes evil once a year.

Kim: Hi, Chakotay. I'm very busy coordinating a secret plan.
Paris: (over the comm) Hey Harry, I'm in the Flyer as our secret plan requires.
Torres: (over the comm) Hey Chuckles, I have a secret plan to report.
Chakotay: Something seems odd here, but I can't quite put my finger on it....

Janeway: Mmmmm, this food is terrible. GAK! I'm choking! Oh wait, I'm not. But I need to leave the room anyway.
Jakal: I wish I had an Obsidian Order agent to advise me against complying with such a transparent ruse. But I don't, so do what you want.

Torres: So basically the captain blew you off and went to risk her life and Tuvok's.
Chakotay: Hmm...wonder if I can save Janeway and still get Tuvok capped?

Janeway: SLAM! BAM!
Kajarel: OW! Unfair! Don't you Starfleet types have rules about unprovoked attacks?
Janeway: Oh, come on -- this is me.

Jakat: (over the comm) What are you talking about? Everything's all happy and secure over here.
Chakotay: Then why am I hearing phaser fire in the background?
Jakat: Um...would you believe Lazer Quest?

Kajarel: Gotcha!
Janeway: Nuts. So why are you doing this, Gul-boy?
Jakat: Because I can.
Janeway: Gee, that's original.

Paris: Whoa! A second ship! This is like "Deadlock," but the other way.
Kim: (over the comm) Come on, Tom, I've asked you not to bring that up!

Vorik: (over the comm) Sorry, the armor's busted.
Chakotay: How conveeeeenient. The only more convenient thing would be if--
Kim: The second ship just blew up!
Chakotay: Thank you, Ensign.

Janeway: Bye now.
Jakat: Crap. I don't like the way this episode is going....

Kim: Somebody just blew up the first ship too.
Chakotay: Can you be more specific?
Kim: Yes, but that would undercut the final scene.

Seven: I can still hear dripping in my mind....
Doc: Why? I don't remember Jakat using water torture on you.
Seven: No, but my faucet has been leaking all month.

Chakotay: You don't trust me. That makes me feel all hurty inside.
Janeway: Oh, what a shame.

Sernaix: Yo.


Previous fiver: Hiatus
Next fiver: Between Heaven and Hell


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Voyager
___ ___ Virtual Season 8
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Snakes in the Grass"

This fiver was originally published on June 27, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.