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Five-Minute "Hiatus"

by Zeke

Zeke: Hi, everybody! I'm breaking my rule against "meta" scenes just this once to introduce my new fivers for the Voyager Virtual Season 8 project.
Chakotay: You know what this means, right?
Zeke: No, what?
Chakotay: It means no more wood jokes! I'm not played by Beltran anymore!
Zeke: Um....
Chakotay: How sweet it is! BOOYEAH!
Zeke: Get out of here, Pinocchio.
Chakotay: Phooey.
Zeke: Anyway, this one's for "Hiatus." Read that first. Here we go....

Janeway: At last we're home! Chakotay, set a course for Earth.
Kim: Anybody wanna bet on which hemisphere he'll crash us into?
Tuvok: North.
Ayala: You're on.
Janeway: Stop that! Let's at least die with dignity.
Nicoletti: (over the comm) Er...we're warpless, Captain.
Janeway: Oh. Well, fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza, dear Liza, well, fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza, fix it.
Nicoletti: Ooooookay.

Torres: GRRRRRRR! KILL! KILLKILLKILL! My goodness, I'm tired.
Paris: Sweet dreams. Oh, mind if I teach Miral to gamble?
Torres: Zzzzzzzz....
Paris: Thanks.

Chell: Hello, I'm Neelix.
Harren: No you aren't.
Chell: Well, technically I'm not, but the difference isn't significant. Leola root?

Mrs. Sharr: Gripe gripe. Gripe gripe gripe.
Barclay: Shut up, I have another caller.
Cardassian Attaché: Gripe gripe. Gripe gripe gripe. Gripe.

Paris: Hello, dad.
Admiral: Hello, son.
Audience: ARRRRGH! Will you two please just hug already?
Paris and Admiral: No.

Janeway: ....so those are the terrible, terrible things my future self did.
Admiral: You know, there are so many criminals on this ship, I'm having trouble deciding whom to prosecute first.
Janeway: Start with Chakotay. That should give me time to escape.

Mrs. Hansen: Bla bla bla bla bla...anyway, nice talking to you!
Seven: Yeah, bye. Now to mull over that whole Chakotay thing. I wonder if I only liked him because there weren't many men around?
Naomi: That sounds to me like writer fiat.
Seven: Shut up! We must kill C/7 -- who cares how?

Torres: I think I'm finally calming down.
Doc: Your father-in-law is aboard.
Torres: That does it, I'm deleting your "bad timing" subroutine.

Torres: Hi, Admiral. Here's your granddaughter.
Miral: Gaga. Googoo. Gimme $5000 on red. Ga.
Admiral: You taught her to gamble, didn't you?
Paris: It's never too early.

Janeway: Let's do a J/C scene.
Chakotay: Why?
Janeway: To reassure the readers that C/7 is dead.
Chakotay: It is? Aw, crap! I had it made!
Janeway: Shut up and make with the amiable banter.

Paris: Why so glum, chum?
Kim: Sigh...I just realized how much I'll miss Voyager.
Paris: Cheer up. Maybe we'll get lost again.
Kim: Oh, right, like that's gonna happen.

Admiral: Farewell, my tragically-estranged son.
Paris: Later, pops.

Kim: Here comes the Safe Haven.
Janeway: NOOOOOOOO! Not again! Destroy it!
Kim: Um....
Janeway: Oh. Safe Haven. My mistake. Carry on.

Tuvok: Hi, I missed you, yada yada. Quick, I have to escort you to Sickbay in secret.
T'Pel: Wouldn't we raise fewer eyebrows if we used the transporter?
Tuvok: Honey, raising eyebrows is my specialty.

Troi: Hey there, Reg.
Barclay: You again? Geez! It's not like they would have had to pay extra to use a different TNG character!
Troi: You're trying my patience.
Barclay: Am I succeeding?

Nicoletti: (over the comm) We're warped again!
Janeway: Good work, Liza! Is your last name Minnelli?
Nicoletti: I've got to stop this business of talking to you.

Janeway: Okay, let's try this again. Engage!
Paris: AAAAAAA! We've been sucked into a Borg conduit thing!
Janeway: Note to self: never use Picard's tagline again.

Barclay: Uh oh. They're lost again.
Admiral: Cheer up. Somebody will find them and drop them in the mailbox, and they'll be sent back to us right away.
Barclay: Please tell me you're being sarcastic.

Janeway: So where are we?
Kim: Not Kansas.
Janeway: And you wonder why I haven't promoted you. Anyway, I guess we got what we deserved for cheating fate.
Chakotay: What? You're saying we deserve a potential eternity of isolation just because we had the good luck to get home quickly?
Janeway: Yeah, shut up.
(Season 8 begins at Ludicrous Speed)


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Next fiver: Snakes in the Grass


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This fiver was originally published on June 20, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.