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Five-Minute "Between Heaven and Hell"

by Zeke

Sernaix: Yo.
Janeway: Whoa...they're weird. Hail them.
Kim: Hail, O mighty Sernaix!
Janeway: No, I mean in the sense of--
Sernaix: We said, YO!
Tuvok: Great, now they're shooting. What's the plan?
Janeway: First we use up vital resources for a while in futile counterattack. Then we fly into a star.
Paris: See, that's why you're the captain. I'd never have thought of that.

Paris: Need help, Doc?
Doc: No, and get Miral out of here! After "Deadlock" and "Collective," you should know Sickbay isn't a safe place for babies....

Janeway: We need supplies. Chakotay, get some.
Tuvok: And bring Baxter. He's cool.
Chakotay: Okay.

Torres: Hi. Bye.
Paris: I love these long husband-and-wife conversations.

Chakotay: We'll need your mighty eyes down on the planet.
Seven: You're confusing me with Geordi. Just for that, I won't come.

Torres: Here's my shopping list for the away mission.
Chakotay: Do I have to get all these female hygiene products? I'll look ridiculous....
Torres: Duh. If I actually needed them, I'd use the replicator.

Doc: Here, have a baby sack.
Paris: So I can carry Miral?
Doc: So you can look ridiculous. I'm pulling a "Torres shopping list" here.

Baxter: We're now on the planet.
Chakotay: I just can't get over how cool Baxter is. You were saying, Harry?
Kim: Yeah, I've been having these dreams about Cochrane and Cleopatra.
Chakotay: Really? I've been having dreams about Chakotay and Janeway.
Kim: This is known as "subconscious wishful thinking."

Paris: Miral needs a gimmick. I'll give her a pacifier.
Doc: Yeesh, you might as well change her name to Maggie.
Paris: Hey, great idea! Then she'll grow up to look like Kari Wuhrer!
Doc: I think I'll let that comment slide.

Boylan: Ow! Earthquakes hurt!
Baxter: Never fear -- Baxter's here!
All but Kim: YAY! Hooray for Baxter!
Kim: Why are you people all worshipping Baxter?
Chakotay: He's...he's just so cool! He's a security man and a scientist and a doctor!
Kim: If I didn't know better, I'd think he was some sort of Mary Sue....
Baxter: Excuse me, I prefer to go by my last name.

Janeway: Uh oh, here come the Sernaix again. We'd better depart.
Tuvok: From the planet, or this life?
Janeway: Both if you don't shut up, wise guy.

Paris: Let's do a holoprogram. Any suggestions?
Naomi: How about your movie theatre?
Paris: Bad idea -- tonight's feature is Star Trek V.
Naomi: AAAAAAA! Forget I said anything!

Chakotay: Here come the Sernaix. Everybody wave.
Kim: You mean hide, right?
Chakotay: If we hid, they wouldn't see us waving.

Icheb: This universe doesn't seem to be expanding.
Janeway: No inflation? I thought that was economically impossible!

Kim: There's writing on this wall. See if you can guess what it is without looking.
Chakotay: "Mene mene tekel upharsin"?
Kim: Ha! Kim 1, Chakotay 0. It's actually a star chart.
Chakotay: Oh. Hmm...I don't recognize these star patterns....
Kim: Sir, do you even know the constellations?
Chakotay: As far as you're concerned, yes.

Paris: There's one sure way to cheer up a crying baby: giving her a car ride!
Miral: Ooooh...is that a challenge?

Janeway: (over the comm) We're back! Prepare to be beamed up.
Chakotay: Have you got enough juice to transport us all? If not, I'm sure Baxter can fly up to the ship under his own power.
Baxter: Um....

Torres: Sigh...it's been a hard day's night. I've been working like a dog.
Paris: I'll take care of Miral; you go sleep like a log.
Torres: Nah. Baby, you can drive my car!
Paris: Quit switching songs on me. And it's my car.

Tuvok: The away team is back on board.
Janeway: Even Baxter?
Tuvok: Especially Baxter.
Janeway: Good. Let's fly off in some random direction.

Captain's Log: This place sucks. I want Q. Hear that, Q? I've changed my mind! Come back! Pleeeeease?
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 4, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.