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Five-Minute "Macrocosm"

by Kira

Tak Tak: In the history of our species, never have we been so insulted!
Neelix: Captain Janeway apologizes for her outrage. But look on the bright side -- at least her dog is back in Alpha Quadrant and couldn't deface any of your sacred forestry on top of everything.
Tak Tak: As punishment, this incident will be used to give Neelix more importance on Voyager.
Janeway: Please, be merciful!

Captain's Log: Great, now what am I supposed to do... make Neelix some kind of ambassador? That'll be the day.
Neelix: If you'd prefer, I've always wanted to be a security officer.
Janeway: Stop eavesdropping on my log entries!

Neelix: Looks like the main computer is down.
Janeway: And worse than that, nobody threw me a "welcome back" party. That is the last time I'm leaving Chakotay in charge.

Neelix: Boy, it sure is getting hot in this small cramped turbolift. We might have to cut down on the clothing.
Janeway: Don't even think about it.
Neelix: We might have to climb through some jeffries tubes. Who knows what could get caught in those tight spa--
Macrovirus: BZZZZZSPLAT!
Neelix: Ewwww!
Janeway: My thoughts exactly.

Neelix: I don't feel so good....
Janeway: Me too. I mean, J/N? That's just wrong.
Neelix: No, I think whatever that lifeform squirted on me is toxic.
Janeway: I'll go get a medkit. You bait here. Er, I mean, wait here. Yes.

Macrovirus: BZZZZZZZ
Janeway: Phew. Now that he's out of the way, I can finally get rid of this darn uniform....

Janeway: Phaser... check. Bigger phaser... check. Dynamite-launching bazooka... damn.

Janeway: This is Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager to anyone who can hear me -- I'm trapped in some sort of terrible horror movie cliché!
Macrovirus: BZZZZZZZ --
Janeway: It's just not the same without the bazooka.

Doc: Captain! Thank goodness you're all right! It was horrible!
Janeway: Why? What happened to the crew?
Doc: Who cares about the crew? It's been days since I've been able to make any witty banter! In fact, I think I'll take this opportunity to narrate a flashback....

Garan miner: (over the comm) We've contracted some kind of mysterious virus that's probably contagious. Can you help us?
Doc: Permission to go on an away mission, Commander?
Chakotay: Well, it's standard policy to send Harry for this sort of thing... but sure, why not.
Doc: Sweet!
Chakotay: Just be careful -- it's not like we have a backup of your program just sitting around the ship.

Doc: Wow, it's like "Honey, I shrunk the virus"! Except the opposite!
Chakotay: (over the comm) Whatever. Just make sure you don't conveniently let them get into Voyager's systems when you beam up.

Crew: Groooooaaaaaan. Help us, Doc.
Paris: I'm nauseous. Help me, Doc.
Torres: There are viruses coming out of my neck. Help me, Doc.
Doc: Why does everything always happen to me?

Janeway: So you just ran away and hid?
Doc: I'm a doctor, not an exterminator. Now, I've replicated this gigantic can of Raid that should do the trick....
Janeway: Boo-ring.
Doc: ...and I've attached it to a bomb.
Janeway: Now you're talking.

Doc: (over the comm) Bad news, Captain -- I've been forced to hide like a little girl again. But on the plus side, this time I get witty banter while I do!
Janeway: Sigh. If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Tak Tak: (over the comm) We have detected a macrovirus infection. We must purify your vessel.
Janeway: Oh, thank goodness. You're just in time.
Tak Tak: Did I say "purify"? I meant "wipe out all living organisms on board."
Janeway: Crap.

Janeway: I think I have a plan to distract the macroviruses while I set off the Raid bomb.
Holograms: (over the comm) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Our fair haven is being attacked by macroviruses!
Doc: (over the comm) If only.
Janeway: What was that?
Doc: Nothing.

Janeway: Well, it's not a dynamite-launching bazooka, but it'll have to do.
Bomb: Tick... tick... tick....
Janeway: I really should make those holodecks explosion-proof, but how often would you really need that sort of thing?

Chakotay: The crew's having a get-together if you'd like to join us, Captain.
Janeway: No, thanks. It'll be a few days before I can look at Neelix without getting queasy.
Chakotay: Have it your way. Chakotay to Neelix -- change of plans for the entertainment tonight.
Neelix: (over the comm) You mean we can watch the security tapes of the captain running around the ship in her tank top?
Janeway: I'm going to leave you on an asteroid somewhere if it takes me another four years.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 23, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Carolyn Paterson.