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Five-Minute "Fair Trade"

by Derek Dean

A lightyear of Voyager Week

Neelix: I want to do something for the ship. Can I be a security officer?
Tuvok: Well, I'm not going to say it's impossible, but only because I'm trying to be polite.
Neelix: Then can I be an engineer?
Torres: See above, without the politeness.

Janeway: Neelix, what's that big thing right there?
Neelix: That's the viewscreen, Captain.
Janeway: No, I mean what's on the viewscreen?
Neelix: Oh, that's the Nekrit expanse.
Janeway: Er, does that mean dead or naked? 'Cause neither one sounds really appealing.

Bahrat: (over the comm) What do you want?
Janeway: We want to dock with you and get supplies.
Bahrat: Okay, let me give you the legal boilerplate. "I the undersigned do hereby agree that my first officer is --"
Janeway: I agree. Let's get on with it.

Sutok: You wanna buy some death sticks?
Paris: You don't want to sell me death sticks.
Sutok: I don't want to sell you death sticks.
Paris: You want to go home and rethink your life.
Sutok: I want to go home and rethink my life.
Paris: Yes! Jedi mind tricks really do work on the weak-minded! Hey, Chakotay, where are you going?
Chakotay: I'm going home to rethink my life.

Neelix: Yes, I'd like to buy three pairs of long underwear, a map of the Nekrit expanse, and some usefulness to the crew of Voyager.
Vendor: All I've got is this pack of starving, crazed weasels.
Wix: He'll take them.
Neelix: Wix? Is that really you?
Wix: If ever a Wix there was.

Neelix: So how're things going with you?
Wix: Well, --
Neelix: Wow, that's really great. I've been doing okay except that my usefulness on board has run out, nobody wants me to assist them, and I haven't told the Captain we're out of coffee yet.
Wix: You are so screwed.

Wix: Good news. I found a map of the Nekrit expanse and all you need to do is just one slightly shady thing involving giving drugs to some people..
Neelix: Fortunately I'm such a bright ball of sunshine, the shadiness will just disappear!
Wix: I'm starting to see why you're worried about being kicked off Voyager.

Neelix: You know, maybe this mission is a little too shady after all. Please tell me there's a ray of light to this whole adventure.
Wix: A ray of light? Heck, I'll give you a whole shaft!
Neelix: That's not making me feel any better.

Sutok: Do you have the drugs?
Wix: Yep. You got the money?
Sutok: I've got your money right here
Wix: Nice shooting, Greedo. (ZAP!)

Neelix: Those drugs were ... drugs! Don't deny it!
Wix: It's kind of hard to deny tautologies.
Neelix: I thought we were practicing frontier medicine!
Wix: More of border-running medicine.

Captain's Log: Something's up. And it's not just my hair.

Tuvok: Do you know anything about the murder on the station?
Neelix: Murder? What murder? Heh.
Tuvok: The one the Captain just told us about during the briefing.
Neelix: Oh, that one. Um, er, nope. Don't know nothing.
Tuvok: Should I point out that you've used a double negative, and therefore logically must know something?
Neelix: I'd rather you didn't.

Tuvok: Do you know anything about the murder on the station?
Wix: You mean the one that occurred at 0400 hours in corridor C by a left-handed Han-Solo wannabe using a Federation phaser? Nope, nothing. Sorry.
Tuvok: Well, it was worth a shot.

Neelix: I can't believe you lied to Tuvok!
Wix: Well, technically I didn't. I don't really want to be Han Solo.
Neelix: Things can't get any worse.
Wix: Oh that reminds me, the owners of those drugs need you to steal Voyager's warp plasma or they'll disembowel us in the most painful way possible.
Neelix: I need to learn to stop saying that.

Neelix: Tom, what did you do to go to prison?
Tom: Basically I would say it was because I didn't tell the truth, launched a coverup, and refused to be roommates with Wesley Crusher.
Neelix: Well that obviously has no relation to my predicament.

Wix: So where's the warp plasma?
Neelix: I didn't take it.
Wix: Things can't get any worse.
Neelix: Oh, and I have a plan to capture your employers.
Wix: Nope, I was wrong.

Bahrat: As you can see from this video, I arrested Chakotay and Paris for using the Force on that sleazebag.
Janeway: You can't arrest my officers for that!
Bahrat: Here's the contract you agreed to earlier. Maybe you should actually read it this time.
Janeway: "...do hereby agree that my first officer is guilty until proven guilty. And so is my pilot. Especially if either or both use the Force."

Neelix: Chakotay and Paris didn't kill the drug guy. It was me and Wix.
Bahrat: Then how come you're still alive?
Neelix: No, I mean, Wix and I killed the drug guy.
Bahrat: Oh. In that case you're under arrest.
Neelix: Wait, what if we caught the drug dealers for you? All we need is some warp plasma.
Bahrat: Ha! If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
Neelix: So you'll let us do it?
Bahrat: Sure.

Neelix: (on video) Never saw the sun,... Never saw the sun,... Never saw the sun....
Bahrat: Look. They're looping the video. That means they're about to make the trade.

Neelix: Never saw the sun,... Never --
Wix: Geez, don't you know the rest of the words to the song?
Neelix: No, what are they?
Tosin: If you ever want to see the sun again, you'd better give me that warp plasma.
Neelix: No, I don't think that's it.

Tosin: Hey, this warp plasma isn't pure! Didn't I say "Give me impure warp plasma and die?"
Neelix: Oh, I thought you said, "Give me impure warp plasma or die." By the way, you're under arrest.
Tosin: You can't arrest me; I've got a weapon.
Neelix: Uh, I wouldn't fire that weapon. I followed your other instruction too; "Put the plasma in a leaky container or die."
Tosin: I hate you.

Bahrat: All right, everyone stand down. Especially you low-life drug dealers.
Tosin: I don't have to take that from you, you fascist pig!
Neelix: Now, now, let's not start a flame war.
Henchman: ZAP!

Neelix: There's no place like home,... There's no place like -- Oh, it was all just a dream.
Doctor: Your injuries say otherwise.
Neelix: But you were there, and you were there, and you were there.
Janeway: Cut it out, Neelix. I'm still trying to decide on a good punishment for you. It's too bad Wesley Crusher isn't on board....
(Janeway thinks of punishments for Neelix at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 22, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.