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Five-Minute "Distant Elephants"

by Zeke

T'Pel: Well, here we are on Vulcan.
Tuvok: Oh no -- I just realized Voyager was my real home!
T'Pel: That was Harry's epiphany, dear, not yours.
Tuvok: Whew! Never mind, then.

Janeway: Sob...goodbye, Voyager.
Voyager: Good riddance, Lameway. It's sooooo good to finally be free of your dangerous adventures....

Kim: I've decided to hunt down Section 31. The first step will be to pester Vorik.
Torres: Oo, oo! Can I go with him, Tom?
Paris: Okay, but be careful. Remember how dangerous these guys are.
Torres: Pffft. What's so dangerous about a huge espionage league with tendrils that dig deep into every corner of Starfleet?

T'Pel: ....and here's our house.
Tuvok: I know that.
T'Pel: I felt the need to remind you. Heck, you forget your own age sometimes.

Chakotay: This museum is really interesting.
Janeway: You're aware that it's Voyager, right?
Chakotay: Hahahaha! Good one. Anyway, my "sudden sister" wants to meet some of the crew, particularly those with red hair and fiery dispositions.
Janeway: I'll give her B'Elanna's number.
Chakotay: You're not getting this.

Tuvok: Distant elephants.
T'Pel: Huh?
Tuvok: Just thought I'd mention the title. No special reason.

Janeway: Astrometrics reminds me of how Seven betrayed me.
Chakotay: It reminds me of what a twisted, disguting atrocity my relationship with her was.
Icheb: You two are just mouthpieces for the writer right now, aren't you?
Janeway and Chakotay: Quiet or I'll edit you out.

Seven: How goes Operation "Ask around about Section 31 so as to arouse suspicion and get ourselves killed"?
Kim: Not too well. You'd think Jeri Taylor's son would have been more help.
Seven: What we really need is someone related to Ira Steven Behr. Failing that, let's try some DS9 characters.

Doc: Bla bla bla bla bla BLA bla bla BLA bla bla....
Janeway: This is bad. I need a big, strong man to rescue me from this dire situation.
Chakotay: Is that my cue?
Janeway: Only if I can't find Arnie.

Sek: Welcome to--
Tuvok: YOU! You were the guy who sent the message that got my mind taken over by an evil, evil Bajoran!
Sek: I swear, I had nothing to do with it. I have...um...an alibi! Yeah! T'Meni, tell your grandpa where I was on the night of the 25th....
T'Meni: Encoding evil transmissions.
Sek: Damn! Why the heck did I teach her honesty?
T'Pel: Calm down, son. Your father won't hurt you -- he's busy thinking about elephants.

Bashir: So I went to confront Ross, of course, and he said "Inter arma enim--
O'Brien: Hold it! It's pronounced "ee-nim," not "eye-nim." Where did you learn Latin?
Bashir: Look, he was the one who messed up on that. I was just quoting him....
O'Brien: A likely story. Goodbye, former friend.
Bashir: Well, that's just great. Look what you two have done!
Kim and Torres: Sorry.

Janeway: Know what this episode needs? An unnecessary cameo.
Chakotay: Did you just contradict yourself?
Tal: Don't nitpick -- the cameo is me, and I'm a hottie.
Chakotay: Oh, like the readers can tell. This is a virtual episode.
Tal: It is? Shoot! I knew I should have pushed for a Trek X cameo instead....

Tuvok: So you're a musician now. Can I hear your work?
Sek: Um...you probably shouldn't. It's mostly punk rock.
T'Pel: Elephants, Tuvok.
Tuvok: Ah yes...elephants. Elephants, elephants, elephants.
T'Pel: There, son -- it's safe to play your music now.

Naomi: Hey Dad, look! It's Janeway and Chakotay!
Greskrendtregk: Those two? They don't look romantically involved at all.
Naomi: Stop telling such lies! You know how important J/C is to me....
Greskrendtregk: In fact, the male barely looks animate.
Naomi: Stop it! STOP IT!

Janeway: Section 31? Yeah, I've heard of them.
Kim: You have not! You know full well the novels aren't canon!
Janeway: Well, okay, Shadow isn't. But I thought Mosaic and Pathways were....
Vorik: Not since Season 5. Mom's still sore about that.

Chakotay: Well, that tour was bittersweet. Like....
Janeway: Like elephants? Elephants are bittersweet.
Chakotay: How the heck are--
Janeway: Elephants, elephants, elephants. Elephants, elephants.

Naomi: I've got a bone to pick with them. They left out Ratty.
Icheb: The museum curators?
Naomi: The writers. They haven't mentioned him since what, "Fall of Shadows"?
Greskrendtregk: Wow, the male in this couple is even less animate.
Naomi: Shut UP, Daddy!

Janeway: Sigh...my career is a mess. Got any suggestions?
Admiral Paris: (over the comm) I can only suggest that you go to Lake George, a romantic locale mentioned in "Coda."
Janeway: What, has someone got a gun to your head telling you not to suggest anything else?
Icheb: No, but he's a mouthpiece for the wr--AAAAAGGGHH!
Admiral Paris: I warned the kid, but he wouldn't listen.
Janeway: What kid?

Tuvok: And now to reflect on Janeway for a while.
Janeway: (over the comm) That better not be because elephants remind you of me, bub.

Torres: Well, that could have gone better. The only useful information we got was from Bashir and O'Brien.
Newsboy: Extra! Extra! Bashir and O'Brien killed by mysterious organization! Assassin leaves note: "See you soon, Harry"!
Kim: Ohhhhh crap.

Chakotay: Here comes the big J/C scene. Remember, don't be clichéd.
Janeway: Whatever. Kiss me, you big lug!
Dog: Awwwww...isn't that cute.
Chakotay: Oh yeah, I also got you this dog. I call him Porthos.
Janeway: I don't think I'll call him that.

T'Pel: Sunrise on Vulcan. How beautiful. What are you thinking of, my beloved husband?
Tuvok: E--
T'Pel: Wait! Never mind. Stupid question.
(The sun rises at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 19, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.