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Five-Minute "Demon"

by 4GOM

Tom: Captain, we've officially entered gray mode. Deuterium supplies are at 20%.
Harry: Isn't deuterium found all throughout the galaxy? Hydrogen is the most common element, you know.
Janeway: Harry, this is a "deuterium is rare" episode. Also in effect is the "Harry's Character Development Gets Reset" protocol.

Tuvok: You may only take essential items.
Neelix: So I suppose my library of all books in Talaxian literature is a no-go, right?

Chakotay: You're not supposed to be in Astrometrics. Why not come to my quarters and we'll discuss this?
Seven: Um, we're not supposed to get involved for another three years.

Seven: Captain, I've found some deuterium. I'm beaming it up.
Transporter Room: KABOOOOOM

Kim: Have no fear: Hyper-Assertive Harry is here. Let's just explore the Demon planet.
Tuvok: There's a reason it's called a DEMON planet, moron.
Kim: Quiet, you.

Kim: Ah, a big pond of deuterium. I'll just stick my hand in to further the plot-- AAAH!
Paris: Harry? Where'd you go? And why do I have this strange urge to stick my hand in this pond of deuterium?

Neelix: Doc, let's have a big argument and act like jerks, shall we?
Doc: Sounds like a plan to me. I'll just annoy you with my off-key opera.

Chakotay: Tom and Harry have disappeared on the inhospitable Demon planet.
Janeway: I suggest we endanger the rest of the crew by landing on the planet to look for them.

Seven: There's no sign of the Away Team.
Chakotay: There's no sign of any thought in this episode, either. Oh look, I've found some footprints. What a coincidence.

Paris: Hey Seven, Chakotay. I've got a great idea -- why don't you take off your suits and join us? It's only about 500 K or so.

Janeway: Beam the Away Team back.
Kim and Paris: GACK! ACK! WHEEZE!
Doc: Evidently Mr. Paris' 20th-century obsession extends to cigarettes, as well.

Janeway: So let's get this straight. Tom and Harry are now able to survive poisonous gases and red-hot temperatures, and have to breathe the planet's atmosphere. What could this mean?
Torres: Well, seeing that only thirty minutes have passed, I have a feeling we're in store for some further "plot" twists.

Seven: Look, I've found the real Tom and Harry.
Chakotay: It's a miracle they've survived this long.
Seven: It's a miracle that this episode ever got made.

Tuvok: By the way, we're sinking into a puddle of deuterium.
Janeway: How exactly is that possible? The ground beneath us just happened to disappear and the deuterium replaced it immediately?
Tuvok: Look, it's obvious that no one was sober when this stuff was written, so just go along with it.

Doc: Due to lazy writing, the real Paris and Kim survived without oxygen and in 500 K for the last hour or so. The fake ones are over there.
Janeway: Excellent. And now, to kill you!

FakeKim: Let's make a deal. You let us duplicate your crew and live on this planet, and we'll stop Voyager from sinking.
Tuvok: Captain, this is clearly a violation of the Prime Directive.
Janeway: The what? It's a deal.

Janeway: Pity we won't ever see them again in one piece. Or will we?
Everyone Else: Please, we're trying to excise this episode from our brains. Of course, with our luck, we'll get a sequel....
(Voyager speeds away from the last hour at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 9, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Gautam Hans.