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Five-Minute "Bride of Chaotica!"

by Alexia

Chaotica: Mwhahahaha... I have kidnapped a screaming woman. I can finally defeat Proton and get my girl, Arachnia.
Chaotica: Shut up!

Kim: Chaotica on line one.
Goodheart: (over the comm) AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Paris: Shut up. Er, I mean... let her go.
Chaotica: (over the comm) But I was going to give her to Arachnia. I bought the gift wrap and everything.

Paris: The ship has been hit. We're going to crash.
Kim: Should we do something?
Paris: Nah, we need to get to Planet X anyway... this'll save time.

Kim: This looks familiar. Isn't this the same set as the last episode?
Paris: We keep one thing the same, and you moan about it.
Kim: Wait a minute, a glowing thingie.
Paris: Uh oh.

Janeway: Chakotay, what have you done now?
Chakotay: (sniffle) You always blame me.
Janeway: Well, it usually is you.

Paris: Let's shoot them. (ZAP!)
Guard: Urg... ack... groan... it's getting dark....
Kim: Oh, just die.
Guard: You spoil all my fun. GAK!

Tuvok: We've gone into subspace and we got stuck in some gooey stuff.
Janeway: Let's drive the ship really fast. That always works.

Paris: The doors won't open -- we're stuck.
Kim: Er... Tom? More big glowy things.
Paris: That's not good.
Kim: Can't we just beam out?
Paris: In a holodeck episode? That feels like cheating.

Seven: Technobabble is stopping us from leaving this area of space, Captain.
Torres: She's right -- I pushed all the buttons in Engineering and we're still stuck.
Janeway: So what's with the glowy things?
Seven: They look pretty. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Janeway: I think we should do nothing because I remember that worked once.

Guard: Halt.
Aliens: Bite me. Er, I mean, we come in peace.
Guards: That's it -- you're going to see Chaotica!
Aliens: Oh, we're quaking in our boots.

Chaotica: Where's PROOOOOTOOOOOON?
Guard: Er....
Chaotica: You're useless. Get him, really scary robot.
Robot: Kindly surrender or I'll have to poke you with my scary poking device.
Guard: But I have prisoners.
Aliens: We are here to contact other photonic lifeforms.
Chaotica: Let's shoot them.
Chaotica: And while you're at it, call Arachnia and see if she's free Friday night for dinner and waging war on the Fifth Dimension.

Captain's Log: We've done nothing. So far, nothing's happened.

Paris: Hmm... my secretary is dead.
Tuvok: Oh well -- at least she's stopped screaming.
Paris: The robot's broken.
Tuvok: You can tell?
Paris: If I twiddle this button he can tell us what happened.
Robot: Invaders from the Fifth Dimension.
Paris: I think we have a problem.

Paris: Hiya. We're real. You're fake.
Alien: You lie!

Janeway: Okay... photonic aliens think the holodeck program is real and are fighting a war with Chaotica's army. I say we send Doc.
Paris: I want to play in the holodeck some more. And I might need some help. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Janeway: No way.
Paris: You get to wear a cool costume.
Janeway: I'm there.

Doc: I get to be President of Earth!
Torres: Yeah, like you needed that ego boost.

Janeway: So... take out the lightning shield. How hard could that be?
Paris: Depends how good you are with grandiose language.
Janeway: Do you listen to my briefings?

Guard: We're loosing.
Guard: Yeah, 'cause that's worked so far. Oh, Arachnia is here.
Chaotica: Ooooo, goodie.

Chaotica: I love you.
Janeway: Worship me... er, I mean, hi.

Janeway: Take down the lightning shield.
Chaotica: I'll take down the shield if you marry me.
Janeway: I'll marry you if you take down the shield.
Chaotica: I'll take down the shield if y--
Janeway: This could take all day. Fine, I'll marry you.

Doc: Greetings, aliens. I am the President of Earth.
Aliens: You're real.
Doc: As real as you. Now, let's beat up Chaotica. Oh, and make friends with Proton.
Aliens: Oh, all right.

Janeway: Lower the shield.
Chaotica: No.
Janeway: Do I have to do everything around here?
Chaotica: Gasp! Arachnia, how could you betray me? We were gonna get married and everything. Guards, confine her!
Janeway: I'm stuck in an invisible box! Oh no -- I'm a mime!

Torres: We're in trouble. The technobabble is getting bigger.
Chakotay: Oh well.

Pheromones: Waft.
Guard: I love you, Arachnia. Take me.
Janeway: Yeah, yeah. Let me go.
Guard: Okay.
Chaotica: Fool -- now look what you've done! Now she's got... a gun... uh oh. Um, I love you?
Janeway: Take down the shield or I'll shoot you.
Chaotica: Okay. Lowering shield.
Janeway: Eh... I'll shoot anyway.
Chaotica: Ow.

Torres: The glowy things are gone.
Chakotay: Woo hoo!

Chaotica: Arachnia, I may be dead, but I'm not dead.
Janeway: That makes no sense, but, okay.
Chaotica: I'll be back. GAK!
Paris: I don't remember including Arnold Schwarzenegger in this program, but we'll go with it.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 19, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Alexia.