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Five-Minute "Basics, Part I"

by Zeke

Suder: I'm centred and serene now. No more killing for me, that's for sure.
Tuvok: Sorry, we still can't let you out. But I believe you.
Suder: I don't like the way you're looking at me.
Tuvok: Whoa! I'm gettin' outta here.

Kim: We're being sent a message....
Seska: Save me, Chakotay! I gave birth to your secret love child and now they're going to kill me!
Culluh: Hee hee! This'll get 'em for sure.
Seska: Shut up, you idiot, we're live!

Janeway: "Secret love child"?
Chakotay: Hard to explain.
Janeway: Well, whatever. The ship is yours to endanger if you so desire.

Chakotay: I summon my dead father.
Kolopak: Oh great...you need money again, don't you?
Chakotay: 500 credits should do it. By the way, do you think I should abandon my illegitimate son to the Kazon?
Kolopak: Yes.
Chakotay: Then I won't.
Kolopak: Amazing how far a little reverse psychology goes with you.

Janeway: So the plan is to fly right into the hands of the Kazon. Any objections?
Tuvok: Nine.
Janeway: We'll just pretend you were speaking German there.

Kim: Hmm...a lone Kazon in a lifepod.
Doc: Woohoo! I'm gonna score again! Er...she is a babe like the last one, right?
Kim: That was a Vidiian, not a Kazon.
Doc: Same principle.

Tierna: Seska's six feet under. I've come to defect.
Chakotay: A hearty "Suuuuuure" to both.
Janeway: Oh, Chakotay, don't be so ungullible.

Suder: Darn it, I want to help the ship!
Janeway: We could cut a year or two off our journey if you got out and pushed.
Suder: The only thing I'm pushing is my luck! Oh, wait...that only sounds clever. Never mind.

Tierna: I bring you peace and love, man.
Chakotay: Bah! I disbelieve your hippie messages! Though it would explain the hair....

Captain's Log: Various Kazon attacks have knocked out the secondary command subprocessors. I'd turn back and have them fixed, but I don't know what they do so they can't be very important.

Neelix: Hi, Suder. Have some food.
Suder: Are you trying to kill me before I can kill you?
Neelix: That's the general idea, yeah.

Janeway: Okay, let's kick some Kazon butt!
Tuvok: Shields at 0%. They do outnumber us a zillion to one, you know.
Janeway: Perhaps I should have thought of that beforehand. Ah well. Computer, engage auto--
Computer: Don't bother, I can't do it. Didn't I mention that?
Janeway: No!
Paris: I think I'll take this opportunity to bolt.

Suder: I've seen some pretty extreme reactions to Neelix's cooking, but that one takes the cake....

Seska: Bwahahahaha! Voyager is mine!
Chakotay: Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Seska: Nooooo...this was all a big master plan, doofus.
Chakotay: Oh. Any chance I can pay you off, then? I've got 500 credits....

Culluh: It would seem that Paris got away in a shuttlecraft.
Seska: Don't worry about it. He won't get half a lightyear in a Voyager shuttle.

Culluh: I hereby dump you suckers on this planet. Enjoy!
Chakotay: Poor guy. He doesn't know we'll have the ship back in an hour.
Janeway: Neither should you at this point.
Chakotay: Oh yeah. Sorry....

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This fiver was originally published on September 6, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.