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Five-Minute The Empire Strikes Back

by Kira

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, some idiot has made Han Solo and Luke Skywalker bigwigs in the Rebel Alliance. In other news, the Galactic Empire, furious over their suckitude in the last movie, has chased the Rebels all the way to the remote ice planet of Hoth. Meanies.

Imperial Probe: An ice planet? Why do I always get the crappy assignments?

Luke: Hey Han, isn't this Rebel stuff great?
Solo: (over the radio) Brrrrrr....

Luke: Come on, let's go investigate that meteorite impact all by ourselves.
Tauntaun: Mrrwaaarrrr!
Luke: You have a bad feeling about this? Wuss. I don't see any--

Solo: I'm leaving to go save my neck from Jabba and his goons.
Leia: I don't care.
Solo: Well, I don't care that you don't care.
Leia: Well, I don't care that you don't care that I don't care.
Solo: Well, I don't care that --
Bystanders: Oh, just shut up and kiss each other already!

Tech Officer: Sir, everyone is accounted for except Commander Skywalker. Nobody has heard from him.
Solo: Does this mean I get promoted?
Tech Officer: You're a captain, sir. You outrank him.
Solo: I do? So I can order him around and stuff?
Tech Officer: Ahem.
Solo: Fine, fine. I'll go rescue him, then start abusing my power.

Luke: First that garbage pit monster, and now this? Why is it always me?
Luke: Oh yeah? Check out my mad lightsaber skills, then we'll see who tastes like chicken.

C3PO: Poor Master Luke, out there in the freezing cold barren wasteland....
R2D2: beep blip zoop dedoop dedoop
C3PO: No, I don't think we might as well seal the doors. Really, R2, you should learn to be more optimistic like me.

Obi-Wan: Luke! Luke!
Luke: ...Buh?
Obi-Wan: Wake up, you lousy bum!
Luke: Ben? Won't you ever leave me alone?
Obi-Wan: Yes, but only if you go to the Dagobah system.
Luke: Deal.

Solo: Luke! Luke! Oh man, he's in bad shape. It's a good thing R2 gave me those first aid tips before I left. Now, which end of the Tauntaun do I stuff him in....

Luke: I guess I owe you one.
Solo: You sure do, kid. Who knows what might have happened if I hadn't come along and pulled this sign off your back?
Luke: "Eat Me"?
R2D2: beep dedoop zoop blip blip
Luke: I don't have any idea how it got there either.

Solo: So, Princess, I guess since I'm stuck here for a while you get to spend some quality time with me.
Leia: You wish.
(She kisses Luke)
Solo: Hey! You can't do that! It's gross for some reason I can't quite put my finger on.
Luke: This is what you get for stuffing me inside a dead Tauntaun.
Solo: Ahem.
Luke: (sigh) This is what you get for stuffing me inside a dead Tauntaun, sir.
Solo: That's better.

Captain Piett: Admiral, one of our probes has found something.
Admiral Ozzel: I'm sure Lord Vader doesn't care about --
Vader: "Something"? I'm looking for something! The rebels must be there.
Piett: Ha! Piett 1, Ozzel 0!
Ozzel: I'm sure I'll even that score soon enough.

Luke: Bye, Han! See you in the next movie!
Solo: What? Why won't I see you again in this one? Is there something I should know?
Luke: No, no, of course not. Um, I have to leave now.

Imperial Soldier: Sir, we've arrived in the Hoth system. The Rebels have activated their energy shield.
Vader: Then they are aware of our presence.
Imperial Soldier: Yes, sir. Admiral Ozzel believed it would be impolite to drop in without calling ahead.
Vader: What use is the power of the Dark Side if we still have to be polite to everyone? I'll show him.
Ozzel: (over the comm) GAK!
Vader: Captain Piett, you're promoted to Admiral.
Piett: (over the comm) Um... thank you, Lord Vader.
Imperial Soldier: (aside to other soldier) If that's a promotion, I'd hate to see a court-martial.

Rebel Soldier: Sir, we've spotted Imperial Walkers closing in on our position.
Rebel Commander: Dear God! How long until they reach us?
Rebel Soldier: At their current speed? About four days.
Rebel Commander: It's a good thing they didn't send Imperial Runners.

Dack: GAK!
Wedge: Damn you, Imperial Walker! How dare you kill Luke's insignificant copilot!
Imperial Walker: CRASH!
Luke: Heheheh. Looks like he talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk.
Wedge: Don't make me come over there and kill you too.

Luke: Oh, great. First I lose my gunner, whatshisname, then I crash the ship I borrowed, now I'm about to get stepped on by an Imperial Walker. I'd better get out of here.
Dack's Body: Um, Luke? Forgetting something?
Luke: Oh yeah, my lightsaber! Thanks, dead buddy.

Rebel Soldier: (over the comm) Imperial Troops have entered the base! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Solo: Come on, Princess! If there's any time to run like a little girl, this is it.
Leia: What's your excuse the rest of the time?

Vader: Ahhh. Yet another successful dramatic entry. Am I charismatic or what?
Imperial Soldier: Sir, perhaps if you spent more time pursuing the Rebels and less time worrying about your aura of evil, we'd have squashed them to a pulp by now.
Vader: Silence! If I want opinions, I'll check the suggestion box on my cruiser.
Imperial Soldier: The electrified suggestion box?
Vader: That's the one.

Solo: Let's get out of here.
Millennium Falcon: cough sputter wheeze
Solo: Damn, the battery must be dead. I wonder how that happened.
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: I most certainly did not leave the headlights on again.

R2D2: zoop blip doop beboop beep?
Luke: We're going to Dagobah. And I think I'll drive for a while.
R2D2: dedoop boop boop?
Luke: No, of course I trust you. I know that time you nearly steered me into an asteroid was an accident.

Solo: We should be able to lose the Imperial ships in this asteroid field.
C3PO: Sir! The odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are forty seven thousand to one!
Solo: What are the odds you can calculate that accurately?
C3PO: Five trillion to one, but I hardly see how that's relevant.

Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: I know, I know, they're gaining on us! Here, we can hide in this esophagus-shaped tunnel!
Leia: I don't think --
Solo: This is your cue to say "Good idea, sir."
Leia: But --
Solo: Say it!
Leia: (sigh) Good idea, sir.
Solo: Why thank you, Crewman. That's why I'm the captain.

Luke: Well, here we are on Dagobah. Remember, R2, we're parked in the swamp.

Piett: Sir, we've detected the Millennium Falcon inside an asteroid field. Naturally, we can't follow them, because that would be just plain stupid.
Vader: Your pathetic attempts to use a Jedi Mind Trick on me have failed.
Piett: But, sir --
Vader: Take us into the asteroid field!

Luke: Man, I thought my home planet sucked. This place is terrible.
Yoda: Rude you are, to insult my home!
Luke: Scram, you little muppet. I'm looking for someone.
Yoda: By sitting on the ground, hm?
Luke: I didn't say I was looking hard.

Solo: Well, well... looks like we finally get to spend some qua--
Leia: I will do anything if it will stop you from saying "quality time."
Solo: Kiss me?
Leia: (sigh) Fine.
(They kiss)
C3PO: Sir! Sir! It's been five minutes since my last annoying line! And twenty minutes since I interrupted an important conversation!
Solo: Dammit, Threepio! Why couldn't you have done that when she was kissing Luke?

Vader: This had better be good, Master. I was having fun blowing up things.
Palpatine: I have sensed a new presence in the Force -- Luke Skywalker. We must kill him.
Vader: That's your reaction to everyone new we meet. Why don't we try sending him a fruit basket instead?

Luke: This sucks! Your food is gross! Your house is small! I want to learn to fight!
Yoda: Teach him I cannot. Too whiny he is.
Obi-Wan: Yes, he has that problem a lot.
Luke: What the--? Ben! You said you'd stop following me if I came to Dagobah!
Obi-Wan: Sucker.

Solo: Stupid Mynocks! I just had this thing washed!
Leia: What was that?
Solo: Uh oh... we're inside some sort of asteroid monster. And I think we just gave it indigestion.
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: We can't, somebody used up all the Pepto Bismol.
Leia: Oh, that was me. I needed it after that kiss.

Luke: Hey, what's in there?
Yoda: The Dark Side of the Force.
Luke: Can I go in there?
Yoda: Ready to face it are you?
Luke: Hey, I can handle fear. Once, I had this dream about an alien named Jar Jar who --
Yoda: Enough have I heard. Go in the cave you can.

Luke: "Dark Side of the Force." Pffft. This isn't scar-- GYAA!
Vader: I see my dramatic entrance frightened you. Excellent. Now eat lightsaber.
(They fight)
Luke: Yes! I cut off his head! I hope this is foreshadowing the outcome of my inevitable fight with Vader.
Vader's Head: Ahem. Look familiar?
Luke: Woah, that's what Vader's face looks like? You'd think we were related or something.

Vader: Greetings, bounty hunter scum. I'm in the market for some Rebels, and there will be a reward for... say, you seem familiar. Are you sure you're not a Stormtrooper?
Boba Fett: Yep. I'm one of a kind.

Solo: Oh no! Our battery is still dead!
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: No, Chewie, I don't think the Imperial Cruisers would give us a boost.

Captain Needa: Look, here they come! Get them!
Imperial Soldier: Sir, they've vanished.
Needa: Well, it's a good thing Lord Vader's nickname is "Lord Vader the Merciful."
Imperial Soldier: That's "the Merciless," sir.
Needa: Crap.

Luke: This bites! I spit-shined my fighter before we left Hoth, and now look what that bog is doing to it.
Yoda: Powerful is the Force. Lift it out you can.
Luke: Aw, can't we just call a tow truck?

Leia: I can't believe we're sitting on an Imperial Cruiser.
Solo: Shh! They'll hear you!
Leia: Through the vacuum of space?
Solo: Er... anyways, behold the brilliance of my daring plan!
Leia: You don't actually have a plan, do you?
Solo: Not as such, no.

Boba Fett: Sneaking, sneaking, lalala... wait, I'm not sneaking at all. You'd think they'd have noticed me or something. Huh.

Solo: Here we go -- we can go hide with my old buddy Lando. Gambler, con artist, all around scumbag.
Leia: Is he trustworthy?
Solo: With a record like that? Of course he's trustworthy.

Yoda: Through the Force, many things you will see.
Luke: Han! Leia! Oh no!
Yoda: The future you see. Stay here you must.
Luke: But... they were kissing! I have to get there and stop them!
Yoda: Refunds on your training there are not.

Lando: Han, you cheating, ship-stealing scoundrel!
Solo: Lando, you double-crossing, backstabbing weasel!
Lando: When did I ever do that to you?
Solo: I dunno, just seemed like the right thing to say.

Obi-Wan: Luke, you mustn't go after your friends.
Luke: Stop telling me what to do! Won't you ever go away?
Obi-Wan: Only if you stay here with Yoda and complete your training.
Luke: Pfft. I'm not falling for that again.

Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Leia: You found Threepio in a junk pile? Can you fix him?
Solo: Whoa, whoa. Let's not be too hasty here.

Lando: ...and that's our mining facility. Now I have a joke for you. Knock knock.
Solo: Oo, I love these. Who's there?
Lando: Darth.
Solo: Darth who?
Vader: Hello.
Leia: I knew I should have stayed in Luke's subplot.
Solo: Wait, I don't get it....

C3PO: bjdrtplosctl... Stormtroopers? Here? Oh no! I've got to warn the others!
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
C3PO: Nonsense. Better late than never, I always say.

Lando: You're going to freeze this Luke guy in carbonite to take him to the Emperor? Isn't that risky?
Vader: Yes, but he'll be in mint condition.
Lando: Shouldn't you test it first? Maybe on a less valuable figure?
Vader: Yes... yes, I should.
Lando: Someone not standing here talking to you right now?
Vader: If you insist.

Solo: Well, I'm about to be frozen in carbonite. Even if I survive, I'll be a prisoner of Jabba the Hutt. Is there anything you'd like to say?
Leia: Yes. Is that offer to arrange for me to kiss a Wookiee still good?
Solo: I'll pretend I heard "I love you." And Chewie?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Forget what I said about taking care of the Princess for me.

C3PO: Look, Captain Solo is encased in carbonite! He's a collectible!

Vader: The girl and the furball are coming with me.
Lando: What? The only reason I agreed to this deal in the first place was because you said I could make the hot chick my love slave!
Vader: It sounded like such a good idea, I decided I'd do it myself.
Lando: Hey! You can't do that! It's gross for some reason I can't quite put my finger on.

Luke: I wonder where everyone is.
R2D2: zoop beep blip dedoop boop doop
Luke: No, I don't think asking those nice men with guns for directions is a good idea.
R2D2: beep deep dedoop boop blip
Luke: Follow what sign? Oh. "Trap for Luke Skywalker, this way." Good, I was afraid we were lost.

Vader: Welcome, young Skywalker. I have set this trap for you.
Luke: Oh no! It's a trap!
Vader: I see Obi-Wan didn't teach you to have bad feelings about things.

Lando: I've got a joke for you Stormtroopers. Knock knock.
Stormtroopers: Who's there?
Lando: Armed soldiers.
Stormtroopers: Armed soldiers who?
Lando's Soldiers: Hello.
Stormtroopers: Hey, that's not funny at all!

Lando: So, now that I'm good I guess I can take part in a cool rescue and stuff. Right?
Leia: All right, Lando, we'll let you help us.
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Leia: Well, beating him up goes without saying.

Heavy Objects: Banzai!
Luke: OW! Fight fair!
Vader: Hm... no, I think I'd much rather fight like an evil overlord.

Leia: Let's get out of here!
C3PO: Easy for you to say. You still have your legs attached.

Stormtrooper 1: Nuts, they got away. We're so dead.
Stormtrooper 2: Wait -- you mean this isn't one of the times we let them escape on purpose?

Vader: Luke... I am your father.
Luke: I don't believe it....
Vader: Search your feelings, you know it to be --
Luke: Is that a bottomless pit? I've always wanted to try out one of those.
Vader: Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as... hey! Get back here!
Luke: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Luke: Leia! Help me!
Leia: Luke? Luke, where are you? Are you okay?
Luke: I'm --
Operator: To continue using the Force Long Distance, please deposit twenty-five cents.
Luke: Sorry, gotta go.

Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Lando: What? The hyperdrive is still broken? I was stabbed in the back by people I trusted? What did I ever do to deserve this?
R2D2: zoop blip blip
Lando: Yeah? Well, so was your mother.

Vader: Well, they got away, but I guess we showed them. I mean, it's not like the Jedi can return or anything. Right? Guys?
Imperial Soldiers: Um....
Vader: Sigh.

Lando: (over the comm) Don't worry, guys -- Chewie and I will rescue Han from that nefarious bounty hunter!
Luke: Well, Leia, I guess that means you and I are stuck here to mull over the plot developments. And spend some quality time together, of course. Wink wink.
Leia: That's gross for some reason I can't quite put my finger on. I wonder why?
Luke: Beats me. Maybe there's something we don't know yet. And you know what that means....
Leia: Another angst-filled sequel with shocking revelations?
Luke: You betcha.
(Luke and Leia await the sequel at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 21, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Lucasfilm. We're not worried -- how can they enforce a copyright when Lucas rewrites the source material every two weeks? Sure, we're infringing on them today, but tomorrow, the entire original trilogy may be a six-hour-long firefight between Han and Greedo. (I don't mind as long as I get to shoot first.)

All material © 2004, Carolyn Paterson.