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Five-Minute Return of the Jedi

by Kira

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the young Jedi Luke Skywalker is on the remote planet of Tatooine while the evil Darth Vader constructs a Death Star, a weapon of unimaginable destructive power... wait, does this sound familiar to anyone else?

Commander Jerjerrod: Lord Vader, we're honoured by your visit. I hope everything is in order?
Vader: Almost everything.
Jerjerrod: Of course, sir. I nearly forgot.
Imperial Soldiers: (humming) Bum bum bum bom bah bum, bom bah bum....
Vader: Much better.

C3PO: Well, R2, here we are on Tatooine, going on an errand to Jabba the Hutt's palace for Master Luke. It's a good thing Lando and Chewbacca found out that's where Han is being held after that bounty hunter took him.
R2D2: beep boop dedoop blip deep
C3PO: Somebody has to take care of the exposition.
R2D2: blip zoop dedap doop?
C3PO: Well, I don't like those prologues. They're boring and impossible to read.

Holo-Luke: Greetings, mighty Jabba. I'm here to tell you about an exclusive one-time offer: for the low, low price of one Han Solo collectible, you can own my guarantee that I won't come kick your butt! If you order now, you'll also receive these two droids!
Jabba: Lousy telemarketers. They always interrupt my dinner.

Protocol Droid: What are your functions?
C3PO: Oh, just put us anywhere strategically advantageous for our master's attack on Jabba.
R2D2: beep zoop dedoop bleep?
C3PO: Of course I'm sure it's not the other way around. Why would we want to help Jabba attack Master Luke?

Sy: (singing) Cha tung ee-ma chay-choo raun ta-nee-ee-choo!
Jabba: All right, who let her on stage?
Bib: I've never seen her before in my life.

Boushh: Yoto. Yoto.
C3PO: He says that despite his diminuative feminine stature, he is in fact a legitimate bounty hunter.
Boushh: Yoto. Yoto.
C3PO: And that even though he managed to capture a Wookiee over twice his size, they are not working together and this is not a ruse.
Jabba: I don't know how I ever got along without a translator droid.

Solo: What happened? Where am I? Who are you?
Leia: It's me, sweetheart. Relax, I saved you with my great carbonite maneuver.
Solo: Chewie? Is that you?

Jabba: Well, I'm mad that you're not in carbonite anymore... but then again, I can't say you did much for the decor in here. Guards, haul them away and bring the hot one to me for a makeover.

Solo: So, what's been going on in between movies, Chewie?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Lando's a Jedi? Leia's not a traitor? Luke's here to rescue me?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Oh, like you'd have sharp hearing after getting frozen in carbonite.

Jabba: What do you want, Jedi?
Luke: You will bring Captain Solo and WHOA! That is one smoking outfit you've got on Leia! Um, what was I saying?
Jabba: I was about to feed you to the Rancor.
Luke: Right. No, wait a min--AAAAAA!

Rancor: GRAAAAAAR!
Luke: That's it! This had better be the last time I get fed to some gigantic monster!
Rancor: Then you should take that "Eat Me" sign off your back.
Luke: Man, how does that thing keep getting there?

Luke: Ha! I killed your stupid Rancor!
Jabba: Ah, well. I've got more gigantic monsters where that came from. And this time, your friends can join you. Bring in Solo and the Wookiee!
Solo: A death sentence? Look, Jabba, if this is about that time I stepped on your tail --
Jabba: The time you what?
Solo: Um, never mind.

Jabba: Any last words, Jedi?
Luke: Yes. (ahem) Get ready to toss me my lightsaber, R2.
R2D2: beep dedoop blip?
Luke: What do you mean, what lightsaber? The one I gave you when I explained my daring rescue plan!
R2D2: blip zoop dedoop?
Luke: No, I'm not going to go over it again.

Leia: Take this, you slimy ball of slime!
Jabba: I never thought I'd go this way, being strangled by a hot babe in a bikini... but I'd always really hoped so. GAK!

Boba Fett: AAAAAAAA! Could this be the end of --
Sarlacc: Dude, you've had like three lines. You don't get last words.
Boba Fett: But I'm a pop culture icon!
Sarlacc: Sorry. Rules are rules.

Lando: Aaaa! The Sarlacc's got me!
Solo: Chewie, did you hear something?
Lando: Han, you idiot, it's your sight that hasn't returned yet, not your hearing!
Solo: What's that, Lando? You want me to shoot the blaster in your general direction?

Jabba's Ships: FWOOOOM!
Luke: Woo! Who's da man? Who's da man?
Leia: N--
Luke: You're going to mock my girly haircut, aren't you?
Leia: Not if you're going to take all the fun out of it.

Vader: Emperor, we are honoured by your presence. Are those new clothes?
Palpatine: Why, yes. I was hoping someone would notice. Say, what's that music?
Vader: My theme.
Palpatine: I don't get my own theme? I'm the freaking ruler of the galaxy!
Vader: I guess you just haven't built up enough evil charisma.

Luke: (over the comm) Well, I'm off to Dagobah again.
Solo: Have a good time. I know I will, since I plan to test out Jabba's collection of torture instruments on Lando.
Luke: Oh yeah, that reminds me -- somebody really ought to have Han watch the rest of the last movie.
Leia: Oh, we will.
Lando: AAAAAAAAAAA! OH, THE HUMANITY!
Leia: Eventually.

Luke: Are you all right, Master Yoda? You look a little green. Heheheh.
Yoda: Impudent padawan... funny think you are. There is something you must know -- there is another ss... sssky... skyw...
Luke: Skyway? Skywinch?
Yoda: Gak!
Luke: Great, now I'll never know what he was trying to say!

Luke: Sigh.
Obi-Wan: Cheer up, Luke, I'm still here to follow you around!
Luke: Ben! How dare you just show up like this!
Obi-Wan: Because I lied to you about your father's death and your having a twin sister?
Luke: No, because you're violating the restraining order... wait, I have a twin sister?
Obi-Wan: Um... no?

Mothma: Our spies have obtained valuable information about the construction of the new Death Star: a map of the galaxy, marked with a giant "X".
Solo: Pfft. "X" never marks the spot.
Mothma: As per usual Alliance battle procedures, we will attack the Death Star against incredible odds and without complete information and hope we get lucky.
Solo: That's crazy!
Lando: It's suicidal!
Leia: It could be a trap!
Mothma: I assume I can count on you to volunteer?
Solo, Lando and Leia: Yes, ma'am.

Leia: Luke, you're back! Is something wrong?
Luke: What makes you say that?
Leia: That's the first time you've hugged me and not tried to cop a feel.

Lando: Well, I'm in command of what could be the most important mission in the history of the galaxy. If only I had a ship....
Solo: All right, all right! You can take the Falcon, if it will stop your pathetic attempts at subtle hints. I'll need some collateral, though. What are your assets?
Lando: Hm. Well, I do have this ship I just borrowed.
Solo: Done.

Luke: I'm getting bad vibes. I shouldn't have come on this mission.
Solo: You're damn straight you shouldn't have -- you're ruining the mood. Right, Leia?
Leia: It's okay. Chewie and I had lots of time alone together while you were frozen in carbonite.

Solo: Hello, giant Imperial Cruiser. I am a real Imperial Soldier, flying a real Imperial Shuttle on real Imperial Business. I'll transmit you my real Imperial Access Codes right now. They're real, I swear.
Imperial Soldier: (over the comm) Shield deactivation is commencing. Hold your present course.
Solo: They bought it!
Leia: Han, the comm is still open.

Leia: Uh oh -- Stormtroopers.
Solo: Gimme a sec, I've got a plan... okay. We'll need peanut butter, a can of marbles, and two banthas.
Luke: Or we could sneak up behind them.
Solo: Well sure, if you want to take all the fun out of it.

Leia: Look, two more Stormtroopers! And they're getting away! Here, we can use these speeders to catch them.
Luke: Are you sure you can handle one of these?
Leia: Sure. I have quick reflexes, almost as if I can see things before they happen.
Luke: Really?
Leia: Yeah. Should I be inferring something from that?
Luke: Nah.

Solo: Luke! Where's Leia?
Luke: She's not with you?
Solo: Don't play dumb with me. You two were making out in the woods, weren't you?
Luke: God, NO! I never touched her, I swear! And I have no desire to, ever!
Solo: Okay, okay, calm down. Geez, maybe you should sit down, you don't look so good....

Ewok: Oo-cha?
Leia: Ow, ow, OW! Stop poking me with that stick!
Ewok: Ee-cha?
Leia: Awwwwww. I can't stay mad at you.

Vader: Skywalker is here, my lord. I have felt it.
Palpatine: Then what are you still doing here? Get out there and look for him!
Vader: I thought he might... you know... come to us....
Palpatine: What?
Vader: I'm sorry, Master, it was a foolish idea. I'll begin searching at once.
Palpatine: "He might come to us." Imbecile.

Ewoks: (brandishing spears) Ee-cha! Oo-took cha!
Luke: Threepio, tell them who we are.
C3PO: Oo-cha Luke Skywalker, bok-cha ee-tak Princess Leia, took-cha tee Captain Solo, oo-tee-cha Chewbacca.
Ewoks: Ee-cha!
Solo: HEY! They're trying to cook me!
Luke: Threepio, what did you tell them?
C3PO: I'm terribly sorry, sir, I seem to have translated improperly. It would appear I told them that Captain Solo tastes like chicken.

Leia: Luke, tell me what's wrong.
Luke: Vader is my father.
Leia: Ha! Boy, does it ever suck to be you.
Luke: There's more. You're my twin sister.
Leia: Oh... well, I kind of figured that.
Luke: What? How?
Leia: It was the only explanation I could think of for your being one of the only two people in the trilogy who doesn't want to make out with me.
Luke: Oh. Wait, who's the other one?
Leia: Threepio. But I think he's gay.

Solo: Hey, where's Luke?
Leia: He went to turn himself in to the Emperor.
Solo: Wow, that's --
Leia: Crazy, I know.
Solo: I was going to say "way better than my peanut butter plan."

Luke: Hello, father.
Vader: Hello, son. Tell me where I can find your Rebel friends.
Luke: No.
Vader: Fine. You're grounded. Go to your room!

Admiral Akbar: All right, men, this is it! Are we ready to be cannon fodder in the most spectacular space battle this trilogy has ever seen?
Rebel Fleet: Yay!
Lando: Boo! I don't wanna be cannon fodder!
Akbar: Quiet, you.

Ewok: Ee-cha!
Solo: Hey, a back door to the shield generator! Good job, little comic relief dude. And now....
Leia: Let me guess -- you've got a plan.
Solo: You betcha. Okay... what if we build this giant wooden badger?
Leia: Hey, look! That Ewok stole a speeder and distracted the guards! Wow, what a great plan.
Solo: Upstager.

Palpatine: So, your Rebel friends are attempting to deactivate my shield? They will not succeed.
Luke: Will too! Um, I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Palpatine: A legion of my best troops is on the surface ready to ambush them.
Luke: Are they trained in basic self-defense?
Palpatine: No, just blaster-to-blaster combat. Why do you ask?

Stormtroopers: Ha! Gotcha! Now put down those explosives.
Solo: Shoot, busted. But don't worry, I've --
Leia: Don't even think about suggesting a plan.
Solo: What, like the Ewoks are going to save us or something? What chance do they have against Stormtroopers?

Ewoks: Ee-cha. Oooooo-cha.
Stormtroopers: Awwwwwwww. Look at the cute little --
Ewoks: ATTACK!
Stormtroopers: AAAAAAARGH! OH, THE PAIN!
Ewoks: Mwahahahaha. Cha.

Palpatine: You will join us or die, young Skywalker.
Luke: Drat, I hate multiple choice. Um, I choose "c."
Palpatine: There were only two choices, idiot... but that's okay, I'll make choice "c" "slaughter the Rebels."
Luke: Crap.

Rebel Soldier: Admiral, you know your "To Do Before Attack List"? Did it include checking for an absolutely ridiculous number of Imperial ships hiding behind the moon of Endor?
Akbar: Hm... no, I don't think so. Why do you ask?

Palpatine: This station is fully operational! Mwahahahaha!
Luke: But... but... you said the rest of the parts wouldn't be here until Tuesday!
Palpatine: Sucker! Everything arrived ahead of schedule!
Luke: What? That's impossible!
Palpatine: We had to break that cliché eventually.

Death Star: FWAMFWAMFWAM!
Lando: Hey! Go pick on someone your own size!

Luke: I won't fight you, father.
Vader: Wuss.
Luke: Well, yeah, but that's beside the point -- you know the rules. No lightsaber fights without a bottomless pit.
Palpatine: Foolish Jedi. You think I would build my throne room without a bottomless pit? That's it right over there.
Luke: Oh. In that case....
Vader: We know, we know. "Eat lightsaber."

Solo: (knock knock) Open up in there!
Stormtroopers: Who's there?
Solo: Um... pizza delivery.
Stormtroopers: Sweet! Safeguarding this generator from those Rebels is hard work. We're starving.
Solo: The door's opening! Quick, pass me the portable salsa generator!
Leia: Or we could just hold them at gunpoint when they rush out.
Solo: Would it kill you to leave one of my plans alone?
Leia: I'd rather not find out.

Palpatine: Yes! Fight! Fight! Finish him, young Skywalker! Oh, I'm so going to win my bet with Yoda.
Vader: You bet against me?
Palpatine: Of course, fool. You're the villain.
Luke: So are you.
Palpatine: Yes, but... Well, you see... rats.

Solo: Okay, time to blow this joint. Pass me --
Leia: That's your plan to blow up the generator?
Solo: You didn't even let me finish. I was going to say "the explosives."
Leia: Sure you were.
Solo: Leia, I'm hurt by your lack of confidence in me.
Rebel Soldier: Sir, where do you want the killer hamsters?
Solo: Shh! Not now.

Vader: Your feelings betray you, my son. I sense you have a sister. Wait... that hot babe is your sister? Whew, it's a good thing I didn't make her my love slave.
Luke: AAAA! MY EYES! MY EYES! MAKE THE MENTAL IMAGES STOP! YEEAAARRRGH!
(CHOP!)
Vader: You cut off my arm!
Palpatine: Oh, boo hoo. It's not as if it was your real arm. I bet it doesn't even hurt.
Vader: I have feelings, you know! You're so inconsiderate!
Palpatine: Oh, shut up. Now, I'm going to turn my back on you and kill your son very, very slowly. Go have an epiphany or something.

Lando: Okay, we're inside the Death Star. Who's got the directions for how to get to the reactor core?
Lando's Crew: Um....
Lando: Great. Just great.

(ZZZZZZZZAP! CRACKLE! ZZZZZZAP!)
Luke: Yeeaaarrrrrrgh!
Palpatine: And now, young Skywalker, you will die.
Luke: Don't I get a last request?
Palpatine: Well... I suppose.
Luke: Thanks. Father, will you throw him down the bottomless pit for me?
Vader: Certainly.
Palpatine: NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo....

Lando: Hm... I think it's this way. Follow me.
Wedge: (over the comm) Left?
Lando: Right.
Wedge: Um....

Luke: (dragging Vader) Huff... puff... oof. You're pretty heavy for someone who doesn't seem to be able to eat.
Vader: Go on without me, my son. But first, take off my mask.
(Luke removes his mask)
Vader: I see that my grotesquely mutilated face shocks you.
Luke: Oh, it's not that. For some reason I was expecting you to be a big black guy.

Death Star: Man, not again. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Solo: I'm sure Luke's all right.
Leia: You can feel it too?
Solo: No, my luck's just not that good.
R2D2: beep zoop blip!
C3PO: But R2, shouldn't you be happy Master Luke survived?
Leia: All right, I've got to ask -- R2, what have you got against Luke?
R2D2: zoop bedoop blip blip
C3PO: He says Master Luke reminds him of a former master that he detested.

Solo: Lando, old buddy! You got my ship back in one piece!
Lando: You betcha!
Solo: Hey, I don't remember getting these four intergalactic speeding tickets....
Lando: Um, gotta go.

Ewoks: Yay!
Coruscant: Yay!
Rest of the Galaxy: Yay!
Statue of Palpatine: Ow.

Luke: Um, hi guys. What are you doing here? And who are you?
Anakin: Don't you recognize your old man?
Obi-Wan: (I still don't see why he gets to look so good in the afterlife.)
Yoda: (Told you to suck up to George Lucas, I did.)
Anakin: Anyways, now that you got me all redeemed and stuff, I decided to hang out with these two, just like old times.
Obi-Wan: Old times, my a--
Anakin: We thought we'd follow you around until the next sequel.

Luke: But... this is the last installment of the trilogy. There isn't another sequel.
Yoda: Sucks to be you, it does.
(Luke screams for mercy at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: The Empire Strikes Back

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This fiver was originally published on September 22, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Lucasfilm. We're not worried -- how can they enforce a copyright when Lucas rewrites the source material every two weeks? Sure, we're infringing on them today, but tomorrow, the entire original trilogy may be a six-hour-long firefight between Han and Greedo. (I don't mind as long as I get to shoot first.)

All material © 2004, Carolyn Paterson.