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Five-Minute "Tomorrow is Yesterday"


Radar Guy: Uh, sir.. a giant object just kinda appeared on Mr. Radar here.
Captain: Mr. Radar? I don't get it. Why don't you get Mr. Jet Plane to check it out.

Captain's Log: We had to use all our warp power to escape a black star. Wait, a black star? What on Earth is that? Now I'm just confused....

Uhura: Receiving transmissions -- what? The first moon flight is scheduled tomorrow? How can that be?
Kirk: Wow, do you think we traveled through time?
Spock: Impossible. The Vulcan Science Directorate--
Uhura: Captain, an interceptor is approaching. Its pilot is making faces at us through the cockpit glass.
Kirk: Well break his plane with the tractor beam, and beam him up!
Spock: What about the Temporal Prime Directive?
Kirk: HA! Where'd you get that one?
Spock: Er...can't say, Temporal Prime Directive.

Kirk: Greetings, Earthling!
Christopher: AGH! Do what you will, alien, just try to avoid the anal probe if at all possible.
Kirk: Uh...that was a joke, just follow me...to the examination room!
Christopher: AH!
Kirk: Kidding, kidding.

Spock: You do realize we can't let him go back.
Kirk: And why not? We could even set him up with some good stocks, and help him out a little. We could set him for life! Maybe even give him a third-world nation to rule....
Spock: I suppose invoking the halibut of thwacking would be too cruel....

Spock: I regret to inform you that we can't send you back, you're stuck here.
Christopher: What? I've got a family!
Kirk: Sucks to be you....
Scotty: (over the comm) I dunno how to get us back, we're stuck here.
Kirk: What? We've got families!
Christopher: Sucks to be you....

Christopher: All right buddy...beam me back or you can eat lead. Or whatever this thing shoots.
Kirk: What are you doing with that? Don't you know I'm Kirk and I'd own you with or without a phaser?
Christopher: Sorry -- It's my first raygun.

Spock: I made an error calculating John Christopher's impact on history; I forgot to figure in his son's accomplishments.
McCoy: You forgot about his kids? HA! I would've remembered that!
Spock: Long story short, we have to send you back, John.
Christopher: Wow, I'm going to have a son? Sure would suck if history recorded that I was supposed to conceive him during the time I'm up here.
McCoy: Hoo boy...forgot his kids...woo....
Spock: Oh, shut up.

Spock: I've got an idea -- we'll slingshot back around the sun. I require time to make my calculations.
Kirk: Well we all know today's track record for your calculations.
Spock: Grumble...well, could we at least go into the base and steal all evidence of our existence?
Kirk: That'd be swell, make us a map John.
Christopher: Zap! You're a map!
Kirk: Never use that joke again.

McCoy: They're taking too long.
Spock: Shut up while I calculate time warp in my head.
McCoy: You're really going to risk using your head when it was the one that forgot--
Spock: Give it up!

Guard: Freeze!
Kirk: Here, hold this communicator, would you?
Guard: Wha--

Guard: --t? Er....
Spock: Hey there.
Kirk: (over the comm) You got him?
Spock: Yes, but why on Earth did you do that? Now we've got two people to put back!
Kirk: Yes, but he's not my problem anymore.

Kirk: Sulu, get ready to beam up while I walk outside and get caught.
Sulu: What's the point in that?
Kirk: Why, drama of course. What else?

Spock: I judge this photography of the Enterprise as poor. I'll go easy on it though and give it a 4.2.
McCoy: Blast it Spock, Jim is down there!
Spock: Your overreaction is only overshadowed by Kirk's inevitability to get out of this mess.

Guard: Name?
Kirk: My name?
Guard: No, my name!
Kirk: I do not know your name!
Guard: ...I only hope you're smart enough not to run off and fall 20 feet to the pavement below.

Christopher: I don't know that Kirk'll make it out of this one....
All: Hahahahahaha!
Christopher: Come on, he doesn't even have a communicator, he'll at least need our help.
All: Hahahahahaha!
Christopher: Well can we at least give him a hand and speed things up?
Spock: No.
Christopher: What'll it take to convince you that not all guest stars have manipulative agendas?
Spock: Gullibility.
Christopher: Well...your shoe's untied!
Spock: It does not appear to be so from this altitude. However, I will bend down for further examination.
Christopher: Now's our chance, Sulu!

Kirk: Aren't you a little short for a Starfleet officer?
Christopher: Huh? Oh, the uniform. I'm John Christopher, I'm here to rescue you. I'm here with Spock--
Kirk: Spock? Here?
Spock: ...upon further examination, these are loafers.
Kirk: Yep, that's Spock all right.

Christopher: Well I guess I won't see you later.
Kirk: Aren't you coming?
Christopher: Nah, that's why I'm pointing a gun at you.
Spock: Don't listen to him, because I'm nerve pinching him.
Kirk: For crying out loud, this isn't Shakespeare; you don't have to describe your every action to the audience!

Captain's Log: In order to get out of this one, we need a miracle. And maybe a calculator for Spock too.

Spock: As we near the sun, we will go back in time before yesterday -- before we abducted John. We'll just beam him back to yesterday.
Kirk: Great, when can we start?
Spock: Tomorrow.
Kirk: I should have guessed.

Sulu: Here we go....
....dniweR :esirpretnE
Guard and Christopher: Later!
Enterprise: ...Fast forward.
Kirk: Note to self -- try to keep jokes inspired from the VCR this episode was watched from to a minimum.

Sulu: We're back!
Kirk: Good, notify Starfleet Command we've returned.
Spock: Do they even know we left?
Kirk: Of course not. I contact them so rarely, and when I do I like to confuse them.
Spock: A reckless course of action.
Kirk: It's kept me from getting promoted to Admiral so far....
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 30, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.