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Five-Minute "Court Martial"


Captain's Log: We've suffered heavy damages from an ion storm. Fortunately, we've managed to limp back to Starbase 11 to recover from the barrage of great deals from our local Saturn™ retailer.

Kirk: Woo, that was close. Good thing I only lost one crewmember. You know, casualties used to bother me a lot more. Now it's just part of the job.
Commodore Stone: Er, okay. (ahem) Commander Spock, we're ready to beam you down.
(Spock materializes on the pad)
Spock: Captain, you should take a look at thi--
Stone: I'll take that.
Kirk: So as I was saying, it's hard not to be callous about fatalities these days. I mean, the guy was my friend, I guess. Well, it's all in my report anyway.
Stone: You mean that report where you said you jettisoned the ion pod after you went to red alert?
Kirk: Yeah, that one.
Stone: That's not what this well-documented video recording Spock handed me says.
Kirk: Oh crap.

Stone: Computer, start recording. We are here to determine whether or not to proceed with a court martial of Captain James T. Kirk--
Kirk: I swear, I did not have sexual relations with that woman!
Stone: --concerning perjury and possible negligence resulting in the death of Lieutenant Commander Ben Finney.
Kirk: Oh, that.
Stone: Explain what happened.
Kirk: Well, I noticed that she had a little too much to drink. So I hailed a taxi and--
Stone: Argh, never mind! Look, all we have to do is write this down as negligence and--
Kirk: No way! I was damn-near promised a court martial. So gimme.
Stone: But--
Kirk: Now.

Kirk: Woohoo, court martial here I come!
Areel Shaw: Ahem.
Kirk: Oh, hey. You're that girl I--
Shaw: Yeah, four years ago. I'm a lawyer in the Judge Advocate's office now.
Kirk: Sweet, can I make JAG jokes?
Shaw: No. So anyway, I was looking over your case and I thought I'd give you some advice.
Kirk: Why not just be my lawyer? We could be like some messed up Ally McBeal daydream.
Shaw: Sorry, I'm busy prosecuting a certain womanizing captain.
Kirk: Ah, well good luck with tha... wait a second....
Shaw: Good luck at the trial.

Samuel T. Cogley: Hi, I'm your lawyer.
Kirk: What the--
Cogley: I brought a lot of books in here to research your case. I hope you don't mind.
Kirk: How'd you get into my apartment?
Cogley: You see, books are a beautiful thing....
Kirk: I'm calling security.

Stone: The court martial is now in session. Computer, begin recording.
Computer: To the charges of perjury and culpable negligence, how do you plead?
Kirk: Not "not innocent".
Jamie Finney: He lies! That man killed my father! HE LIE-- (THUMP)
Shaw: Thank you, Mr. Spock. I call you to the stand.

Shaw: The computer says that--
Spock: The computer is wrong.
Shaw: Why do you say that?
Spock: Captain Kirk is the sort of person to act because of sexual attraction and/or jealousy, not malice or panic. And since Finney and the captain do not have a common love interest, I can only conclude that he is telling the truth.
Shaw: Objection, the witness is speculating!
Spock: I hypothesize that Vulcans do not speculate.
Shaw: (sigh) No further questions. Your witness, Mr. Cogley.
Kirk: Huh? How'd you get in here?
Cogley: No questions, your honour. (Victory is ours!)
Kirk: Sigh.

Shaw: I now call Dr. McCoy to the stand.
McCoy: Mind if I sit instead?
Shaw: Your record states you know something about psychology. Now, could you postulate whether Finney's probable hatred of Captain Kirk could have led to an unconscious reversal of said hatred?
McCoy: I'm a cognitive theorist, not a neo-Freudian psychoanalyst!

Stone: Mr. Cogley, why haven't you availed yourself of the right to cross-examine these witnesses?
Cogley: Well sir, I've been waiting to get this preliminary junk out of the way. Can't we cut to the chase and call Captain Kirk to the stand?
Kirk: Oh great.

Cogley: Captain Kirk, would you please tell us what really happened? What those lying computers are keeping from us? What Skynet doesn't want us to know?
Kirk: Er... well, this wasn't my first crisis situation. Heh, there was this one time where Lt. Shaw and I--
Shaw: Objection!
Stone: Sustained.
Kirk: (ahem) Anyway, what I did I did just as my training dictated. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Cogley: Our hero! I'm sure the court knows the rhyme: "If he does as his training dictated, you mustn't find him convictated."
Kirk: Ugh.

Shaw: Your honour, the prosecution does not wish to dishonour this man.
Kirk: (Whew!)
Shaw: But facts are facts. Here, watch this recording of the events in real time.
Kirk: Damn.
Video Recording: I am incriminating.
Stone: (gasp) He's pressing the "jettison pod" button before Red Alert! With his middle finger! The symbolism!
Cogley: Burn him! Burn him! Burn--
Kirk: You are so fired.

Captain's Log: It's almost verdict time. Maybe gunning for a court martial was a stupid thing to do. But it seemed like such a good idea at the time....

McCoy: I don't believe it! The captain's about to be sentenced and you're playing with yourself!
Spock: I'm playing chess with the computer, thank you. And I'm winning.
McCoy: You're a regular Kasparov.
Spock: Somebody has reprogrammed the computer. Usually the best I can do is tie it.
McCoy: Oh. Then we've got to bring this evidence to the captain!
Spock: Relax. It's more dramatic to wait until the last minute.

Stone: The court will now entertain closing arguments.
Shaw: Sir, the prosecution rests.
Kirk: (sigh) The defense rests.
(Spock and McCoy enter)
Spock: Captain, wait!
Stone: What is going on here?
(Spock confers with the Captain)
Kirk: Sir, new evidence has been brought to my attention.
Shaw: But--
Cogley: I demand that the court allow this evidence to be heard!
Kirk: You again?
Cogley: Throughout the ages, civilized life has held certain inalienable rights constant. Meaning, aliens can't have them. And neither can computers. But humans can! Indeed, if humanity is to....

Captain's Log: With Mr. Cogley sufficiently distracted by his speechifying, the court has reconvened without him on the Enterprise.

Spock: Since I programmed the computer myself, the best I should be able to do is tie it. Since this is not the case, somebody has obviously tampered with the memory banks.
Stone: But who would have access to those files?
Spock: Only myself, the captain, and our late records officer, Lt. Finney.
Kirk: After the ion storm, I ordered a Phase 1 search of the ship. But it's possible for a man to evade such a search.
Spock: Indeed, it is entirely possible that Lieutenant Finney is alive!
Shaw: Objection! The defense is speculating!
Stone: For the purposes of the plot, overruled.

Spock: Gentlemen, we've had the ship evacuated in order to conduct an experiment. The ship's computer can detect all the sounds on the ship. Observe.
Computer: KaBoom! KaBoom! KaBoom!
All: Arg!
Kirk: Spock, can you program it to ignore the engine noise? In fact, could you program it to only detect heartbeats?
Spock: Of course, Jim, but I'll have to disregard the laws of logic to do so.
Kirk: Do it. Now then, Dr. McCoy will use this doohickometer to make the computer disregard each of our heartbeats.
Stone: How does that work?
McCoy: It stops your heart from beating.

Computer: bumBUM...bumBUM...bumBUM
Stone: Amazing, Finney really is alive!
Kirk: Hooray, I'm saved!
Spock: With most of the crew gone, the orbit will decay in minutes.
Kirk: Drats. I guess the day needs saving as well.

Finney: Muahahaha! I've sabotaged the ship! What an evil genius I am!
Kirk: Hmm.... Yeah, I guess we're all doomed.
Cogley: (over the comm) Hey, Captain -- you guys missed a great speech. I had Jamie tape it, though. We just beamed up with the recording!
Finney: Noooo! And I would have gotten away with it too if--
Kirk: If it weren't for that meddling kid. Gotcha.
Kirk: Now tell me what you did to sabotage the ship, or I'll just start pulling random wires out.
Finney: Actually, that's really all you have to do to fix it.
Kirk: Hmm... you'd think it'd be more dramatic.

Day: Hooray, I'm saved!
Stone: If the prosecution has no objection, I rule that this court be dismissed.
Shaw: No objection.
Kirk: Who says the system doesn't work?
Cogley: Now then, we'd all better get back to our regular duties!
Kirk: Not so fast. Commodore Stone?
Stone: Next on our agenda we have "Kirk vs. Cogley".
Kirk: Muahahaha! Victory is mine!
(The defendant runs off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, IJD GAF.