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Five-Minute "The Return of the Archons"

by Kira

O'Neil: The British are coming! The British are coming!
Sulu: (SMACK!) Pull yourself together, man! It was one if the British were coming, two if we're surrounded by creepy cloak-wearing villains.
O'Neil: Phew... wait a minute. Creepy cloak-wearing villains? That's worse!
Sulu: I'm a pessimist. So sue me.

Sulu: (over the comm) Scout team to Enterprise -- two for emergency beam up!
Kirk: What's the secret password?
Sulu: We don't have time for secret passwords, you incompetent buffoon!
Kirk: Rats. Spock, I told you we should have picked a different password.
Spock: How about "numbskull"?

O'Neil: We've got to make a break for it! It's our only hope!
Sulu: Didn't you ever watch twentieth century horror films? Running for your life is a sure way to end up dead.
O'Neil: (running away) YEEEAAAAAA!
Sulu: Ha! Fool. He'll be dead before the opening cred--
Lawgiver: (ZAP!)
Sulu: Trippin'....

Transporter: WHOOSH
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, report and hey! What have you done with my redshirt? Starfleet bills me for those, you know.
Sulu: Mellow out, man, you're bringin' me down.
Kirk: Sulu, you're not making any sense. What happened down there?
Sulu: Whoa... my hands are HUGE!

Captain's Log: We're not sure what happened to Sulu but whatever it is, I want some.

Spock: That man who just passed us... his expression was extremely odd: blank and vacant.
Kirk: Remind you of anyone?
Spock: Indeed.
Kirk: Then this could be a lead to discover what happened to Lieutenant Sulu.
Spock: Yes... Sulu.

Townspeople: Peace, man.
Townspeople: Bugs! Bugs everywhere! Get them off! We're freakin' out, man!
Townspeople: Groovy. Mellow out.
Spock: Most peculiar....
Kirk: Hey Spock, did this planet have a North and South pole?
Spock: Of course, Captain.
Kirk: Because it really is bipolar! HahahahahaOW!

Reger: Bring her in here, men.
Tula: (sobbing) Ohhh! Ohhhhh!
Kirk: Women. Always hysterical.
McCoy: I'll give her something to calm her down.
Kirk: ...That's odd. How come I didn't just get slapped?
Spock: Because you neglected to include any female officers in the away team. Perhaps Starfleet should institute some sort of regulation on gender balance.
Kirk: I suppose, but would we really need that many comm officers and nurses on an away mission?
Spock: Or perhaps they should wait for a generation or two.

Lawgivers: You have disobeyed Landru. You will be absorbed into the Body.
Kirk: Oo. Sounds kinky.
Lawgivers: It is not.
Kirk: Dang. Well, in that case, we refuse.
Lawgivers: Um... er....
Spock: Impressive, Captain. How did you deduce that they were not accustomed to disobedience?
Kirk: They don't seem the type to have ever had teenagers.

Scotty: Captain! Our orbit is collapsing! We're goin' down!
Kirk: (over the comm) Dammit, Scotty. What was the last thing I told you before I left?
Scotty: Not to ruin the butt groove you had going in your chair?
Kirk: No, the other thing.
Scotty: (sigh) Not to crash the Enterprise into the planet.
Kirk: That's right, so I'm relieving you of your command and putting someone else in charge who can actually follow orders. Lieutenant Uhura?
Uhura: Yes, Captain?
Kirk: Find the highest ranking man still on the ship and have him take over.

Landru: Greetings. I am the great and powerful Landru!
Kirk: Release my ship!
Landru: First, you must bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.
Kirk: What kind of a stupid request is that?
Landru: The kind that will distract you long enough for me to knock all of you out. Suckers!

Kirk: Oh, my head... I haven't had a hangover this bad since that wild night on Draylax.
Spock: Our first priority must be to devise a means of escape.
Kirk: They've taken Dr. McCoy and some other people whose names I can't be bothered to remember.
Spock: Then I stand corrected: our first priority must be to escape quickly, before they bring him back.

McCoy: Hey, man. Peace.
Kirk: (Spock, I think they got to McCoy.)
Spock: (Either that or they've managed to surgically remove the stick up his --)
McCoy: Whoa! I can see all the cells in my body! Groovy, man....
Spock: (You may be onto something, Captain.)

Lawgivers: You will be absorbed into the Body. It is the will of Landru.
Kirk: Never!
Marplon: But all the cool people have been absorbed.
Kirk: Really? Well, I'm definitely cool....

Lawgivers: You will be absorbed into the Body. It is the will of Landru.
Spock: Never!
Marplon: But all the cool people have been absorbed. Even your Captain.
Spock: Illogical -- Captain Kirk is not cool. Besides, Vulcans are immune to peer pressure.
Marplon: Well, that's good, because I'm really a member of the underground.

Spock: Peace out... man.
Kirk: Um... groovy.
McCoy: You're not one of us! You're narcs!
Kirk: Uh... no way, man, we're not square.
McCoy: Narc! Narc!
Kirk: That ought to do for a warm up. Now, take us to Landru.
Marplon: No! Anything but that!
Kirk: To that, I say... buk buk buk buk-kaw!
Marplon: All right, all right, I'll take you there. Just stop doing that stupid chicken dance!

Landru: I am the great and powerful Landru. You have disrupted the peace of the Body. You will be eliminated.
Kirk: Oh yeah? Well I'm here to eliminate you. How do you like that, tough guy?
Landru: It is for the good of the Body. You will be cleansed.
Kirk: I don't understand -- it's like talking to a wall.
Spock: It is a projection, Captain. You are talking to a wall.
Kirk: Oh. In that case....
Kirk: That'll teach the wall to ignore me.

Landru: Pay no attention to the thing behind the wall! I am the great and powerful Landru!
Kirk: Why, Landru is nothing more than a large painted cardboard box.
Spock: I believe it is a computer, Captain.
Kirk: What? But... but it's huge! It must be a supercomputer.
Spock: Indeed. Experts estimate that by the 24th century, computers will be larger than starships.
Kirk: I'll outsmart him. I have a mind like a steel trap.
Spock: Even if that were true, Captain, I don't believe it applies to a battle of logic and wits.
Kirk: You know, Spock, your negativity isn't helping.

Landru: You will be assimilated into the Body. Resistance is futile.
Kirk: Oh yeah? "This statement is false."
Landru: If the statement is false, then it is not false. If it is true, then it is not false. Illogical. Does not compute. Does not compute.

Kirk: (over the comm) Scotty, report.
Scotty: Everything's all right up here, Captain. We're not falling out of orbit, and Sulu is back to normal.
Sulu: Where'd all the colours go? What a downer, man.
Kirk: Good, good. You're not sitting in my chair, are you?
Scotty: Er....
Kirk: Sigh. Eight months of work, all for nothing.

Captain's Log: Another day, another culture scarred for centuries thanks to my interference.

Spock: The computer built by Landru was indeed an impressive feat of engineering, Captain. Quite fascinating.
Kirk: True, but it still wasn't as impressive a feat of engineering as me. I'm truly a marvel of humankind.
Spock: If you say so, Captain.
Kirk: Number of supercomputers outsmarted by Spock: zero. Number of supercomputers outsmarted by Kirk: one.
Spock: But I was the one who told you that logic puzzle in the first place.
Kirk: Sorry, Spock, can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
Spock: But --
Kirk: Awesome!
Spock: Sigh.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Carolyn Paterson.