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Five-Minute "The Survivor"


Captain's Log: The setting; the border of the Romulan Neutral Zone. The scenario; a ship has fallen victim to a meteor shower. A lone survivor awaits. Two ships. One destiny. And now -- 'The Survivor'.

Spock: It appears to be Carter Winston's ship -- a man who disappeared five years ago. I calculate the likelihood that it is actually him to be--
Carter Winston: (upon materializing) Hello everyone!
Spock: --surprisingly high. Shall we proceed to the customary examination before being allowed to meet your long-lost fiancée?
Winston: By all means, let's.

McCoy: Woah, my instruments show you to be just a little off. Oh well, probably one of those incredibly-rare-in-Star-Trek coincidences. Your fiancée is in the next room.
Winston: Thanks. Hey Anne, I really hate to let you down after all these years again, but I can't marry you anymore. I've changed too much. Sorry.
Anne: You know, if this were aired in the 90's such a change would definitely be questioned...especially after 5 years alone....

Kirk: Filing reports is boring. Something needs to happen.
Winston: Hey, I've got just the trick. I'll make you go to sleep, while I take on your form and masquerade as you on the bridge.
Kirk: Ah, another boring mission remedied. Thanksszzzzzz....
FakeKirk: No problem.

Chapel: Well it seems that, as always, your instrument readings were not just a coincidence.
McCoy: Jeez, anyone reading this figured that out two scenes ago; get with the picture!

FakeKirk: Mr. Sulu, set course into the Romulan Neutral Zone.
Sulu: Shall we prepare the rubber ears, Centurion costume, and funky mascara?
FakeKirk: That won't be necessary this time -- I've done enough work on my appearance lately to pass this off.

First Officer's Log: The Captain's acting crazy and irritable and stuff, and...oh wait, we don't suspect anything yet. My bad.

Kirk: *yawn* So, I trust that nothing crazy's happened while I was asleep, like flying into the Neutral Zone for instance....
Spock: Now that you mention it...hey, before you had a "fake" in front of your name.
Kirk: That would explain things, but why didn't you notice it when FakeKirk first walked in?
Spock: I just figured you were accessorizing for your visit to the Neutral Zone, like last time.

Anne: I need someone to talk to about my recently lost love!
FakeMcCoy: Hey, I'm always here to tell you to get over it.
Anne: Thanks...you're a great friend.
Kirk: Hey Bones -- say, what's up with your name?
FakeMcCoy: Um....
The Real McCoy: *yawn*...Wha--?
FakeTable: Dumdeedum....
Kirk: You do realize tables don't hum, right?
FakeTable: (turns into true Vendorian form) Well drats. I suppose this is where I make my escape then.

Kirk: Why? Why couldn't you fire, we could've had him!
Anne: I could never fire at the image of the man that I love.
Kirk: Even on stun? Yeesh!
Spock: Security teams report that he got away.
Kirk: You know Spock, sometimes you're not very helpful.

Captain's Log: Just when things couldn't get worse, we get caught by the Romulans. Not that this was a huge surprise, seeing as to how we're in the Neutral Zone and all that.

Romulan: (on screen) Hey, again? How come it's so hard just to stay out of our friggin' territory! We're seizing your stuff and all that,
so chop chop, hustle hustle!
Kirk: You know Spock, I sense a trap; the Vendorian made the course correction specifically so we could get caught.
Spock: Isn't that a little...speculative?
Kirk: Too late, I better yell at them before I lose my nerve.

M'Ress: Hailing frequencies open.
Kirk: Hey, we're on to you!
Romulan: (on screen) Excuse me?
Kirk: Yeah, excuse you! We caught your spy!
Romulan: Excuse me?
Kirk: Yes, we've gone over this, excuse you!
Sulu: Sir, we're losing shields.
Kirk: Crap, lost my nerve! Um, bye now.
Romulan: Excuse m-- (transmission is cut)
Kirk: Whew, glad that's over with...we coulda seriously screwed ourselves over there.

Anne: You! I'll get you this time, I've got it set to stun.
FakeWinston: Yep. Except I'm slowly becoming your ex-fiancé. That kinda happens when we take on forms, so you wouldn't want to shoot me.
Anne: That sounds like a trick if I ever heard one....
FakeWinston: It does, doesn't it? Kinda hard to believe when you think about it, but hey it's in the script....
Kirk: Bwah! I don't believe it, and I only just joined the conversation! Now, I'll just shoot at you....
Enterprise: Shimmy, shimmy.
FakeWinston: Later!
Kirk: ...and you'll escape while the ship is under attack.

M'Ress: The Romulans, sir....
Romulan: (on screen) Braawrr, do not resist us, for we will win because good is dumb.
Kirk: Hey, we're not the ones saying 'Braawrr' here.
Sulu: The shields are coming up, so lets beat them up.
Kirk: Agreed. Fire on both ships.
Spock: The leader is disabled, the other guy is retreating. Maybe the Vendorian actually was a spy....
Kirk: If there's one thing you should've learned by now Spock, its that my speculation drawn on insubstantial evidence is always correct.

Scotty: I swear sir, I don't know how the shields came back up.
FakeWinston: I do! 'Twas me!
Kirk: Wonderful, tell it to the guard.
Anne: Yeah, tell it to me...over dinner.
FakeWinston: What? You actually accept that I am becoming Carter Winston? I'm not sure even I buy that....
Anne: Me either; but if you imitated Kirk, that means some of him must be in you too. You must've inherited some of his seducing skills.
FakeWinston: *wink*
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed.)


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This fiver was originally published on June 1, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.