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Five-Minute "More Tribbles, More Troubles"


Captain's Log: Okay, we're escorting two robot grain ships filled with quadrotriticale, and also investigating rumors of a new Klingon weapon. Inevitably, hilarity shall ensue....

Sulu: Yep, it's a Klingon ship all right. And look, it's chasing a scout ship. Shall we move in closer and annoy the Klingons?
Kirk: Of course. I thought at this point that part was assumed. Scotty, beam that pilot aboard.
Scotty: Good one, Captain. Stealing the Klingons' pilot in the middle of a battle....
Kirk: No, no, the scout ship pilot.
Scotty: Aw.

Klingon Battlecruiser: BRAWR!
Scout ship: Eep!

Battlecruiser: Bleeep!
Kirk: That's it? That's the new weapon? A bleep?
Spock: It appears to have put us in a stasis field.
Koloth: (on screen) Ha! I've censored you, surrender!
Kirk: Censored?
Koloth: Forget it, lame joke.

Uhura: Captain, the grain ships are still under our control.
Kirk: Okay, let's ram them into the battlecruiser.
Spock: You realize we can't afford to lose that grain.
Kirk: Silly man, you really think a thousand faceless colonists are more important than us?

Battlecruiser: Bleep! Bleep bleep bleep!
Spock: They've damaged one of the ships, and run off.
Kirk: Shall we don our "Koloth is a loser" hats?
Spock: I'm never caught on duty without one.

Scotty: The good news is, I've beamed aboard the pilot.
Kirk: And the bad news?
Jones: Good to see you!
Tribbles: Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!
Kirk: Never mind, I get the idea.

Captain's Log: ...You know, I've never been a huge fan of ensuing hilarity.

Jones: I swear, these tribbles are safe! They've got a nifty little predator that eats them, see?
Glommer: Gobble, munch, gulp.
Jones: To boot, they also can't breed.
Spock: The scientific complexity of neutering a tribble is not something I want to ponder.
Kirk: So why exactly were you being chased by Klingons?
Jones: Why, I sold them tribbles.
Kirk: You know, you're not such a bad guy after all....

McCoy: After extensive testing, I've determined that these tribbles really don't breed, they just get fat.
Spock: Please, spare us the details of your "testing."
Scotty: We've beamed all the grain barrels off the damaged robot ship, and it's in the corridors.
Kirk: Why'd we do that?
Scotty: Well, it's not every day we get such good fort-building material.

Glommer: Come here, dinner.
Tribble: Are you kidding, I'm twice your size now!
Glommer: Never fear, I know a good diet program.

Spock: The battlecruiser cometh!
Kirk: Hats on, everyone.
Sulu: Sir, they've disabled the other ship, and run away again.
Kirk: Ha! Loser!
Spock: Has it occurred to you that he's done this just so we'll have the added mass of two ships worth of grain?
Kirk: No, and it probably won't.

Scotty: Captain, that attack knocked down all our barrel forts!
Kirk: Oh, boo hoo.
Scotty: And the tribbles are getting fatter and fatter off the spilt grain.
Kirk: (sob)

Captain's Log: The Klingons have returned; will Cyrano Jones be released? Will tribbles take over the Enterprise? Will Spock and Nurse Chapel elope? Find out... right now!

Battlecruiser: Bleep!
Koloth: (on screen) Release Cyra-- oh no, not those stupid hats again!
Kirk: Hey, Cyrano annoys you; he can't be that bad a person. Hell, we even gave him a hat.

Kirk: Okay Scotty, it's that point in the episode again.
Scotty: That point where we beam tribbles to the Klingon ship?
Kirk: No, no! You have to remember to put little hats on them too!

Koloth: (on screen) Kirk, prepare to DIE!
Klingon: (aside to Koloth) Be boarded, sir.
Koloth: Be boarded, sir. I mean...aw.
Kirk: Look behind you, tribbles with hats! LOSER!
Koloth: Hey, we're not the ones obsessing over hats here. Besides, all we want is that funky predator.
Kirk: All you want is that funky predator? We can do that....

Koloth: Glommer, attack!
Glommer: Eep!
Tribbles: CHIRP! CHIRP!
Koloth: We've really gotta shake this villain thing in the future....

McCoy: So you see, the tribbles are actually giant colony creatures.
Kirk: Like Bem?
Spock: I'm sorry, what sir?
Kirk: You mean you havenít seen that one? Ha! Kirk 1, Spock 0!
Spock: You might want to look above you sir.
Kirk: Wha--
Tribbles: Banzai!
Kirk: Well I suppose we had to do that scene again, just for classic's sake, right?
Spock: Or at least for joke continuity's sake....
Kirk: Too true...too true.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.