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Five-Minute "The Infinite Vulcan"


Captain's Log: We've been ordered to survey a new planet at a previously uncharted sector. Why oh why is it always us doing this kinda job?

Sulu: Captain, I found a friendly tribble-plant thingie!
Spock: Captain, I found a strange power reading from that building.
Kirk: Good work Spock. Sulu, we'll be over there; have fun with your plant friend, snicker.
Sulu: AAAAHH! It BIT me! The pain! The pain!
Kirk: (as he, Spock, and McCoy walk off) Good to hear you're keeping busy!

Spock: It appears this building is designed to shield the episode's secrets from us.
McCoy: I'm picking up lifesigns of an incredibly strong humanoid.
Sulu: (from outside) It hurts! It hurts! I'm going INSAAANNNEEE!
Kirk: Well it sounds like he's having a much more interesting time than us; let's go.

McCoy: It appears he's going to die in 30 seconds. Better inject him with random drugs. Hmmm... Prozac might work....
McCoy: ....or not.
Agmar: Hey, that's a stupid way to cure a patient. Let me try.
Spock: My readings show them to be intelligent plants.
Kirk: I could've told you that by looking at their vine-like limbs and leaf-like shoulders.
Agmar: There, all better. Welcome to Phylos.
Sulu: I feel strangely... happy!
McCoy: That would be the Prozac, not the cure.

Kirk: So where are all your people?
Agmar: Here, let me show you... the produce aisle.
Kirk: You keep your ancestors in this gigantic fridge?
Agmar: Nah, these are just our parents. Our master killed them with a disease, then tried to make up for it by trying to save us. Didn't work too well, in case you couldn't tell.

Sulu: Look, giant plant-pterodactyls! Fortunately, I don't have a care in the world, so that's fine by me!
Kirk: Oh no, they took Spock!
Agmar: Yes, a small inconvenience. Our master must've thought he was spiffy. Our bad for not saying anything earlier.
Kirk: You really suck!
Phylosians: Praise our master!
Keniclius 5: Heheheh! Go back to your ship, oh Lilliputian ones.
Kirk: Not without Spock.
Keniclius 5: Without Spock; he's mine. Don't make me step on you.
Kirk: You heard him, gang, let's go.

Captain's Log: Our smart plant friends appear to be under the influence of a giant human named Keniclius Stavos, for those who just joined us.

Kirk: Mr Sulu, fire a wide stun-beam at that building down there.
Sulu: But they're our friends. I like friends. Don't make me hurt friends. Besides, why would the ship's phasers have a stun setting?
Kirk: That's an order -- don't make me relieve you.
Sulu: ....no effect, we'll have to go in with clubs and knives.
Kirk: Nah, I've got a better plan, but we'll save it for later.

Kirk: Computer, who was this Stavos guy?
Computer: On a TV show called Full House which aired in the early 90s, John Stamos was--
Kirk: Stavos, not Stamos!
Computer: Oh. He was a scientist during the Eugenics Wars who wanted to improve mankind.
McCoy: Keep in mind that the 'bigger is better' philosophy was prevalent at the time -- he must've cloned himself big lotsa times.
Kirk: Nice plot revelation, Bones. Let's go.

Sulu: Captain, ships. Happy ships.
McCoy: Must've been planning an invasion!
Sulu: We should try to convince them to be our friends.
Kirk: You know, I think he's actually right -- if a little annoying.

Kirk: We don't want to hurt you, but you gotta take us to Spock... friend.
Agmar: Eh? We're the last of our people, our spore cells are useless.
Kirk: What does that have to do with anything?
Agmar: Er, right. Spock is this way.

McCoy: He's dying! Something's happening to his brain!
Kirk: "Spock's Brain"? I thought we did that one.
McCoy: Nah, not that, but it's just as bad this time.
Keniclius 5: Don't worry -- your friend is dying but I've made a bigger and better one. Behold Spock 2!
McCoy: Okay, so maybe it's a little bit worse this time.

Kirk: Aaah, its those giant plant-pterodactyls again! Ready our 'better plan.'
Pterodactyls: THUD! THUD! THUD!
McCoy: Woohoo, my grand-daddy's weed killer really worked!
Kirk: Er... don't feel bad, Bones, but we went with Round-Up instead. Sorry.

McCoy: Well, it's draining his brain.
Keniclius 5: Yep, I've duplicated one of Trek's worst episodes, but this time I made a gigantoSpock to transfer his brain to.
Kirk: I hate to say it, but that alone makes you one of the most evil villains we've ever faced.

Scotty: We've gotta speak with the captain! Shut down all other systems and route them to communication!
Uhura: You realize how stupid that is, right?
Scotty: Yes. Do it anyway.

Communicator: click-i-click
Kirk: Here, you answer, gigantoSpock!
Spock 2: Uh... hi.
Uhura: (over the comm) Hi Spock! We've drained all our power just to tell you guys that Keniclius wanted an army of superior beings as a peacekeeping force in the galaxy! Gotta go!
Kirk: Hear that? We already have peace!
Keniclius 5: No you don't. What about the Romulans? The Klingons? The Kzinti?
Kirk: The Kzinti? We havn't aired that episode yet -- they don't count! Besides, you've been out of touch. How would you know that stuff?
Keniclius 5: Uh... sic 'em, plant-people!
Spock 2: Here, I have a better plan. My thoughts to your thoughts, miniSpock.
Spock: Hey, thanks!
Spock 2: No problem!

Spock 2: There will be no peace-keeping army, since I'm siding with Kirk on this argument.
Keniclius 5: Then what will become of my work?
Spock: Why don't you and gigantoSpock cure the Phylosians?
Spock 2: An excellent idea.
Spock: Why thank you.
Keniclius 5: Well... okay.
Kirk: Yay. Let's just leave and hope we don't get another campy Spock episode.
Sulu: I liked this episode. I had a good day.
Kirk: I'm sure you did. McCoy, never, ever give him that again.
McCoy: Agreed.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 1, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.