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Five-Minute "The Magicks of Megas-Tu"

by Derek Dean

Captain's Log: We've been ordered to the center of the galaxy to find the origins of Creationism, but we're having a devil of a time.

Sulu: The wind's begun to switch.
Arex: The ship to pitch.
Spock: And suddenly reality's starting to unhitch.
Kirk: That's the last time I show The Wizard of Oz on movie night.

Lucien: Hey, guys! I'm a faun!
Kirk: And that's supposed to endeer you to us?
Lucien: Aw, have a hart. Someone told me fauns engender trust.
Kirk: Mr. Tumnus you're not. Who told you that anyway?
Lucien: It was that lyin' witch in the wardrobe department.

Kirk: Where the devil are we?
Lucien: On a magic carpet ride.
Spock: Look! It's Lucy! With diamonds! In the sky!
Kirk: I think you've got the order mixed up, Spock.
Spock: You're one to talk.

Lucien: Okay, exposition time: magic is real. We are responsible for Earth's mythology about magicians.
Kirk: Oh, come on. Merlin? Apollo? Harry Potter? You're telling me those people are real?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late; nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Kirk: That was the worst cameo ever.
Spock: If what you say is true, Lucien, your name bears a marked resemblence to --
Lucien: Oh, look at the time! Bye now!

Spock: I'm going to draw an inverted pentagram and perform magic with it.
Kirk: I don't think that's going to get past the censors.
Spock: Aw, does that mean I can't do the human sacrifice?
McCoy: Hey, Spock. I got that list of virgins like you requested.
Spock: Sigh. Never mind, Doctor.

Sulu: Hey, look at my awesome magic abilities!
Girl: Hi. Want a piece of my apple jelly donut?
Sulu: Mmm... Forbidden donut.
Lucien: (replacing girl) Stop that! Do you want to get caught eating forbidden fruit again?
Voice: You have been caught!
Sulu: Ahhh! No, it was the woman!

Asmodeus: We're putting humanity on trial!
Kirk: Oh, that's original. Why this time?
Asmodeus: Didn't Lucien tell you?
Lucien: Heh. I might've left out a few details.
Asmodeus: Of course you did. You were in them.

Asmodeus: Okay. Further exposition time: humans exploited and persecuted us. The Salem witch trials were the last straw.
Kirk: Hey, it's not our fault you all weigh as much as ducks. You should've eaten more.
Asmodeus: Nevertheless, we recreated the trial so we could bring our own charges against you.
Abigail: I saw Jim Kirk with the Devil! I saw Goody Chapel with the Devil! I saw --
Kirk: Please don't accuse the crew, Sibyl.

Spock: In defense of humanity, I call Lucien. Where is he?
Lucien: Here I am.
Spock: Speak of the devil....

Spock: Would you give us your impession of humanity?
Lucien: I'm sorry. I don't do impressions. My training's in magic.
Spock: Of course. What are your thoughts on humanity?
Lucien: They're really gullible, they eat whatever I give them, and they'll sell me their souls for a dime. What's not to like?
Spock: Uh... I think I'll call Captain Kirk as my next witness.

Spock: What's the square root of 841?
Kirk: 29.
Spock: I rest my case.
Asmodeus: You have made a mockery of this court. Therefore, I will make a further mockery of it by fighting Kirk to the death.
Kirk: Fortunately for me, I'm used to fighting supernatural beings.

Asmodeus: Time for the big reveal: your friend Lucien is actually Ardra.
Kirk: Who the devil is that?
Asmodeus: Whoops. I meant to say Lucifer.
Kirk: Oh. Well, I would be surprised except all the jokes up till now have pretty much given it away.

Asmodeus: Since you were willing to die for Satan, we've decided to like you.
Kirk: Did you hear that? It's the sound of a thousand censors choking on your last line.
Lucien: Censors, shmensors. I'll see them in Hell. How about some hard cider?
Kirk: Mmm... that sure is tempting. Sure, why not?

McCoy: So do you think Lucien really was the devil?
Kirk: Like anyone here cares? There's no way this episode is getting past the censors anyway.
Spock: Actually, since NBC has committed to showing these episodes, there'll be the devil to pay if they don't.
Kirk: Whatever. I just hope that the next time we come to the center of the galaxy, we don't run into any more devils.
(The Enterprise flees the center of the galaxy at Luciferous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 7, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Derek Dean.