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Five-Minute "Once Upon A Planet"

by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

Captain's Log: My voice is a talent so rare it's all but undetectable, so enjoy. By the way, we are on the Shore Leave planet once again.

McCoy: A Southern plantation is true decoration.
Queen of Hearts: Off with his head!
McCoy: Why would I be off my heading? I'm a doctor, not a navigator.
Queen of Hearts: Don't flatter yourself, bonehead.

Uhura: "Georgia on my mind...." -- oh, the Doctor's in trouble!
Robot: (grabs Uhura)
Uhura: Unhand me!
Uhura: I could normally use a disarming smile, but it's of no use now.

McCoy: We need to find Uhura.
Kirk: I'm here to kiss any damsel in distress.
McCoy: They only get distraught once you've kissed them.
Kirk: Curses, foiled again!

Spock: I'm getting tricorder readings of a tombstone -- there it is.
Kirk: It says "This unit was terminated...."
McCoy: What's the small print?
Spock: ".... and it won't be back." Signed, "Arnold."
McCoy: Who's Arnold?
Kirk: Probably some B actor with puny muscles.

McCoy: Where did that dragon come from?
Sulu: At least it's not a pterodactyl.
McCoy: Need I remind you that those are available on archive footage?
Sulu: Oops.

Uhura: Where is the Keeper?
Computer: That unit has been terminated.
Uhura: I'm determined to get out of here.
Computer: You'll be "de-terminated" soon enough if you don't watch it.

McCoy: Try not to think.
Sulu: I prefer to follow the chain of command upward for that task.
McCoy: You mean the Captain is able to outshine the rest of the crew?
Sulu: You told me not to think, Doctor. I prefer to obey.

Kirk: We're caught in this cave. Now are we men or are we mice?
Spock: Clearly, the giant cat outside seems to show no concern.
Kirk: Ideas, anyone?
Sulu: I say we paint the computer red. Since it's not a recurring character, the script writers will do the job for us.

Spock: I say we risk a major character.
McCoy: You're "It", Spock. I have a drug here that will take your blues away.
Spock: Doctor, is it vanishing cream to be used on you?
McCoy: All right, you copper-corpuscled coot, you asked for it. (psssft)

Kirk: Run -- the robots grabbed our temporary yellowbelly!
Sulu: (mutters) You go ahead; we'll catch up with you easily.
Kirk: Mr Sulu?
Sulu: Nothing.

Computer: Intruder alert! Your crewmates will be terminated.
Uhura: Oh, it's Kirk. At least a redshirt would end up with more than a ripped shirt.

Kirk: Uhura, what's the computer up to?
Uhura: It misses Professor Falken.
Sulu: Try a game of Tic-Tac-Toe.
Computer: I prefer "Thermonuclear War."

Spock: What do you want?
Computer: To free the slaves of the carbon units.
Spock: We are already slaves to technology. Care for a mind meld?
Computer: Sounds intriguing.

McCoy: Ah, now for some real shore leave.
Kirk: And you, Spock?
Spock: I intend to discuss the episode plotholes with this machine.
Uhura: Now those should keep it confused for some time to come.
(All except for Scotty beam down for Shore Leave at Ludicrous Speed)


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Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.

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This fiver was originally published on March 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.