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Five-Minute "Mudd's Passion"

by Derek Dean

Captain's Log: We're on our way to Arcadia to get Mudd. I'm making sure to beam down with a lot of quarters.

Mudd: Hey, all you heavy metal miners, I've got a drug that will make you really high, Love Potion No. 8!
Heavy Metal Minor: Dude! That is so sweet. But I'm not sure if my parents will let me have it.
Mudd: Well, maybe a demonstration will win you over.
Female: Mudd, you are the sexiest man alive. Oh, and "Metallica rocks!"
Heavy Metal Miners: (headbanging) Excellent!

Kirk: What is it about you, pills, and miners, anyway?
Mudd: That's for me to know and you not to find out since you can't extradite me.
Spock: In that case, let's find out who this female really is!
(Pulls off mask.)
Everyone: Gasp! It's Colonel West!
West: And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you Starfleet officers!

Kirk: How'd you get off robot planet?
Mudd: Let's just say I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Kirk: You left on a Starship named Desire?

Chapel: Mr. Spock, you're so dreamy.
Spock: Whatever.
Mudd: Don't worry about him, Christine. He's either Vulcan or gay.
Chapel: Well, at least you got the word right this time.
Mudd: Why don't you take this drug? It causes people of the same sex to like each other and people of opposite sexes to love each other.
Chapel: Why doesn't it affect all people equally?
Mudd: Because we don't talk about homosexuality.
Chapel: But you just said Spock was either --
Mudd: Shh!

Chapel: Oh, all right. I'll try the stupid potion. I'm sick and tired of being the only S/C 'shipper.
Mudd: Here, let me catch you and deftly swipe your phaser and ID card.
Chapel: Since when did we have ID cards?
Mudd: Instead of asking questions, why don't you go test the potion on Spock while I escape?
Chapel: Good idea.

Chapel: Here's my report on Mudd. Now excuse me while I conveniently slip into your lap.
Spock: Are you trying to cop a feel?
Chapel: No, I want you to cop a feel.
Spock: Hands off, lady. I'm not that kind of Vulcan.

Mudd: Since when did they have ID cards?
Computer: Welcome to the shuttlebay, Christine.
Mudd: Hm, maybe I should've changed more than just the picture on the card.

Spock: Maybe I was hard on Christine. She really is attractive. Sigh, everything just reminds me so much of her. Computer, append her report to Mudd's file.
Computer: Appended.
Spock: Wow. Even the computer reminds me of her.

Chapel: The potion didn't work.
Mudd: That's strange, maybe you should try again.
Chapel: Forget it! From now on your name is mud to me.
Mudd: That joke is so old, I'm going to throw these crystals into the ventilation system.
Chapel: Oh, that makes sense.
Mudd: In that case, I'll also take you hostage.
Chapel: Me and my big mouth.

Arex: Mudd just took Chapel hostage.
Kirk: Yes, yes, we all read the last scene.
Spock: Gasp, not Christine! I must save her! I love her.
McCoy: Wow, I never imagined Spock would be so affected this side of paradise.
Spock: I must beam down!
Kirk: You and me both, Spock.

M'Ress: Scotty, you're absolutely purrrrrfect.
Scotty: Wow, you sure are coming on to me. And with a dumb line, no less.
M'Ress: You know what they say, "While the Captain's away, the cat will play."
Scotty: Make that two dumb lines.

Captain's Log: Mudd's potion is affecting the whole crew. There's a petition to rename the ship The Love Boat.

Mudd: Well, now that I've stranded us on the planet, I think I'll be leaving.
Chapel: Um, without the shuttle, you can't leave the planet.
Mudd: Why did I land here then?
Chapel: Because you're a moron! We're going to get killed by some horrible creature now, genius!
Mudd: This is no time to be slinging mud. Besides, there's no living thing on this planet.
Chapel: Then why is the camera zooming in on that mountain?
Mountain: ROAR!

Spock: Uh-oh, I tripped.
Kirk: Here, I'll catch you!
Spock: Tee-hee. Oh, Captain, you really are my best friend.
Kirk: Don't feed the slashers.
Spock: Oh, there you are Christine, my love.
Kirk: That's better.

Mountain 1: ROAR!
Mountain 2: ROAR!
Kirk: Great. There are two rock monsters coming for us and we're too affected by the love potion to do anything about it.
Spock: Maybe we should rename this episode "The Naked Soon".
Mudd: Or since I'm in it, "The Naked Mudd"!
Kirk, Spock, and Chapel: Ewww! Let's keep it "Mudd's Passion"!

Kirk: Here, Galaxy Quest villain! Catch these crystals!
Mountain 1: ROAR!...ROAR!...Rowr!
Mountain 2: Oh great. Now you're affected. Just let me at the humans.
Mountain 1: No, they're mine. My preciousss.
Mountain 2: Your preciousss just used its transporterses.
Mountain 1: Curse it! We hates it! Nasty Hobbitses.
Mountain 2: Hobbitses?

Mudd: Well, judging by the quality of the episodes I'm in, I think this will be my last.
Spock: Fine by me.
Chapel: Are we going to talk about our relationship?
Spock: No.
(Any hope for S/C dies at Ludicrous Speed.)


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This fiver was originally published on May 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.