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Five-Minute "The Paradise Syndrome"

by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

McCoy: Those fine trees sure aren't pining for the fjords. This reminds me of the LA Reservoir of old.
Kirk: Spock, what are the odds of another planet evolving like Earth....
McCoy: Don't get him started. Hey, what in the blazes is that?
Spock: Alien metal compound, strange writing -- gentlemen, we have ourselves a plot.
Kirk: I see there may be babes at bearing 117, mark 4 -- what are we waiting for?

McCoy: Navaho, Delaware and -- oh, now we know where the last of the Mohicans went.
Spock: Doctor, those people are at severe risk when the meteor strikes in two months.
Kirk: We should alert them. Hey, here's an ancient instrument -- Mr. Tambourine Man!
McCoy: Hold the singing, Jim, and let's go look at the obelisk again.

Kirk: Kirk to Enter-- hey! It's a trap d-AAAA --
McCoy: Well, there he goes, and he's not even a redshirt.
Spock: You humans have got to be more careful what you wish for.
McCoy: Not all of us fall into the traps we create, you know.

First Officer's Log: We have yet to find the Captain, and my having done away with emotions makes it impossible to cry out for joy.

McCoy: Warp out of orbit? With the Captain still missing?
Spock: If we can deflect the asteroid from far away, we won't need to use the Force.
McCoy: But the captain is missing! Do we consult a spirit guide or what?
Spock: I am certain Mr Scott will be happy to talk about whisky once our mission is accomplished.

Kirk: Where am I? Who am I? Who are you?
Miramanee: We are your people.
Kirk: (mutters) Kneeling women -- I have a feeling I should be overjoyed. (aloud) My people?
Miramanee: Yes, and I am your priestess.
Kirk: This just keeps getting better and better.

Scotty: The engines cannot manage warp nine much longer.
Spock: Maintain full power, Mr Scott. Mr Sulu, fire.
Sulu: No effect, and now the power has gone.
Scotty: I have a good mind to send that Vulcan to repair a leaking warp core someday.

Salish: Prove that you are a god!
Miramanee: This boy became entangled in nets and was dragged into the lake. He's not breathing.
Salish: He will move no more.
Kirk: Leave it to me to save the day -- there, he will be okay. And I'll
have your badge, Salish.

Salish: What are you doing, Miramanee? Shouldn't you be making ritual clothes?
Miramanee: There will be no ritual.
Salish: But you are promised to the medicine man.
Miramanee: The AMA revoked your license, remember?

Chief: We are indebted to you. What is your name?
Kirk: Ki-- Ki-rok.
Salish: I can assign you with a few names: Man Who Cannot Act, Double Duh Mass....

Miramanee: So can you clear the skies?
Kirok: I need time to remember.
Miramanee: Here, there is time -- for everything.
Kirok: I can't wait to remember more....

McCoy: Scotty says repairs will take forever.
Spock: Set a course for the planet on impulse power.
McCoy: That will take months.
Spock: I have more exact calculations, but I will spare you the details.

Kirok's Log: Surely no man has found such happiness as I have as I stand here hugging myself. Oh, joy!

Salish: Strike me down!
Kirok: I'll no more strike you down than cut you with a knife.
Salish: That's an idea -- behold the god who bleeds!

Kirk: My love for you grows stronger, Miramanee.
Miramanee: Speaking of growing, I carry your child.
Storm: FOOSH
Kirk: Did I take you by storm?
Chief: Kirok, rouse the temple spirit and nothing else!

Spock: The writings on the obelisk are notes, written by a super race that seeded humanoids across the galaxy.
McCoy: Then I suppose the Captain's in the clear.
Spock: Yes -- likely as it may be that they are descended from Jim Kirk, this time the Preservers were at work to save endangered races.

Kirok: I -- AM -- KIROK!
Tribesmen: Die, Kirok! DIEDIEDIE --
Miramanee: Stop it, Salish!
Salish: If you believe the Bionicle action figure Keerakh is a god, then stand with him.

Kirok: My wife....?
McCoy: Hallucinating?
Spock: A Vulcan mind meld will take care of that. My mind to your mind -- yaarrgh!
McCoy: "Yaarrgh!"?
Spock: It happens when we meld with one-track minds. The strain of monotony gets too high.

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise....
McCoy: What are the odds of that phrase opening a door?
Spock: Now, to turn on the deflector ray: these musical notes, for which I have a good eye....
Kirk: ....but no ears, pardon the expression. Just push the right buttons, will you?

Miramanee: My people -- safe? We will be so happy when I get better.
Kirk: No. Say after me -- "GAK!"
Miramanee: GAK!
Kirk: That's my girl.
(Kirk grieves for Miramanee for an entire five minutes)


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Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.

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This fiver was originally published on February 18, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.