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Five-Minute "The Enterprise Incident"


Medical Log: Yep, it's my turn for exposition this episode. The captain's acting crazy and irritable and stuff, so...um...let's just cut to the episode, 'kay?

Kirk: I'm feeling cranky and irritable and stuff. Set course for the Neutral Zone.
Sulu: Sir, that course will take us right into the Neutral Zone!
Kirk: Jeez, with comments like that, its not hard to see why I'm acting crazy and irritable and stuff.
Chekov: You're acting?
Kirk: No, no, of course not. Carry on.

Scotty: Did starfleet order us into the Neutral Zone?
Uhura: No, the captain's just acting crazy and irritable.
Scotty: He's acting?
Kirk: Shhh!
Spock: Detecting three Klingon ships, but they're Romulan.
Kirk: How do you know?
Spock: Would you believe that it was my Jedi instinct?

Subcommander Tal: Surrender at once, or we'll destroy you.
Kirk: I doubt it.
Tal: Yeah me too, but it's a thought, anyway.

Scotty: We're screwed.
Kirk: You're not constructive at all. And you're dismissed, Doctor.
McCoy: But I didn't even say anything!
Kirk: Can't you see I'm trying to be crazy and irritable and stuff?
Tal: (over the comm) You and Spock beam over.
Kirk: Heheheh, Excellent. I mean, uh...sure, no problem.

Romulan Commander: So, what's your excuse for trespassing? Didn't see the sign? Bad directions?
Kirk: Equipment failure.
Commander: What a crock. Now you, Spock, what's the truth? I've heard that Vulcans don't lie.
Spock: The Vulcans that told you that did. But since I'm in a betraying mood, he did it.
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Spock: Yes huh!
Kirk: Naw--
Commander: *sigh* Off to the brig with ya, Kirk.

Commander: (over the comm) You're free because of your Captain's insanity and irritability.
Scotty: You're not a huge fan of the series, are you? We stay.

Commander: Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son!
Spock: That doesn't even make sense! Geez, if you're going to reference Star Wars, at least pick something that works in context! For example, I love you.
Commander: I know.
Spock: Much better.

Uhura: (over the comm) Doc, the captain's injured so you need to go save him!
McCoy: This is the 23rd century. Doctors haven't made house calls in over 300 years!
Uhura: Humor me.

Commander: Now remember, Spock, while we're walking through the halls we keep our hands to ourselves and make sure not to touch any candy, magazines, or cloaking devices.
Spock: Yes, my lord.

McCoy: Yep, he's crazy all right. Unfit for command, the whole enchilada.
Kirk: Spock, I'll KILL YOU!
Spock: No, I'll kill you with my Vulcan death grip.
Kirk: GAK!
McCoy: He's dead, Ji-- er, Spock.
Spock: Yay, command decision time!

Kirk: zzzzzzzzzzBOO!
Kirk: Not necessary, we've got plot to reveal. Go ahead, Lenny.
McCoy: They're under orders to steal a cloaking device for Starfleet, so they've done espionage and stuff.
Kirk: Very good. Now make me a Romulan.
McCoy: Zap, you're a Romulan.
Kirk: I was trying to ask you for a Romulan ale, but now that you mention it, being a Romulan could work too.

Commander: Here, have some food and ale. We've got a romance to develop.
Spock: No argument here. It is good being the captain. (winks to camera)

Kirk: We're running out of episode time. Just beam me over there.
Scotty: But that's stupid, you'll get caught.
Kirk: Me, caught? Hahahahaha! Good one.

Commander: With all this flirting and all, let me tell you my first name. It's (mumbles something in Spock's ear).
Spock: Leia? No wonder....
Commander: Now you've gone and ruined it for the audience! Why, I oughta change into a tight fitting dress right this instant!
Spock: You won't see me stopping you.

Kirk: This whole sneaking-around-Romulan-starships business is pretty easy. Good thing I picked the blue scarf instead of the red one!

Commander: You'll notice my guillible and believing nature.
Spock: You'll notice my facade of emotions.
Guard: You'll notice Spock's communications with someone else on the ship.
Commander: You'll notice-- hey, really? You really suck, Spock. Really.

Guard: Pare, Seņor.
Kirk: Nah. Kick. Now, to replace the cloaking device with a bag of sand! I'll be sure to place the sand on the pedestal just as I remove the device. Slowly, sloowwwly... there!
Scotty: (over the comm) You know that thing's not booby trapped, right?
Kirk: Stop ruining my pointless movie references!

Guard: The cloaking device is gone!
Commander: How could you? We could've ruled hand in hand!
Spock: I'll never join you.
Spock: Darth Vader wouldn't have slapped me...

Captain's Log: Yippee, we have a cloaking device! Too bad we didn't register in time for the Five-year warranty.

Kirk: Relax, it's just me.
Chekov: Boy, you sure fooled us!
Kirk: Pointy ears fool you? No wonder Clark Kent went unnoticed all these years with only a pair of glasses as a disguise.

Spock: I demand the right of statement.
Commander: But you're just buying time!
Spock: Hey, I found a legal loophole and you can't do anything about it. Now shush. *Ahem* Blah blah blah blah blah....
(transporter starts to beam him away)
Commander: Hey, I'm coming with you!
Spock: Why? That's kinda stupid, you know.

Scotty: (over the comm) I'm having trouble with the cloak; don't expect anything till the last minute!
Kirk: Of course, of course. Let's go, Sulu.
Commander: You won't get away with this! They're following you and will destroy you any second!
Commander: Grrrrrr.
Kirk: Okay, its the last minute now. Engage cloak, Scotty!
Scotty: Aye.
Enterprise: Ta ta for now!

Commander: Spock! Take off my mask, so that I can see you with my own eyes!
Spock: There you go again with those movie references that don't work. Just get to your quarters, and remember that I kinda sorta liked you.
Commander: You really, really suck. Bye now.

McCoy: (over the comm) Get over here, Jim, and let me cut your ears off!
Spock: Please do. I'm getting ear envy.
Kirk: Okay, Van Gogh, do what you will.
(The Enterprise warps off for the Starry Night at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.