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Five-Minute "Spock's Brain"

by Zeke

Sulu: That ship pursuing us is so cool.
Kirk: Agreed. I'd almost say it's cooler than the one we ran into at Babel.
Spock: I would say so. Can you believe it's using an ion propulsion drive? The Federation has never managed that.
Kirk: What about Deep Space 1?
Chekov: Isn't that a space station?
Kirk: No, I mean --
Kara: What a bunch of dips.

Sulu: Oof. Did anyone get the number of that wessel?
Kirk: That's what I have a first officer for. Spock! ...Uh oh.
McCoy: (over the comm) Jim, something's wrong with --
Kirk: -- Spock, I know. I could tell when he didn't shout back at me.

McCoy: I don't know how to say this, Jim, so I'm giving Christine a line.
Nurse Chapel: Spock! Brain! Gone!
McCoy: Thank you. I can keep him on life support for 24 hours, but --
Scotty: What? How?
McCoy: Hey, I don't ask you to explain how the transporter works.
Scotty: I can! Can you explain this?
McCoy: Shut up and find his brain.

Captain's Log: Fortunately, the ship left us a cool warp trail to follow. I can't get over how awesome it is.

Sulu: The trail runs out at this star system. Let's have a detailed debate on which of the various planets it most likely went to.
Kirk: We don't have time for that!
Sulu: Even if Chekov is the one who briefs us? You get to hear his accent, he and I get lines -- it's win/win.
Kirk: Hmm... okay. But I can't help thinking Spock would disagree.
Sulu: Don't be silly. He likes boring exposition more than any of us.

Transporter: (WHOOSH)
Kirk: Nice planet. Could use some women, though.
Chekov: I'm detecting a band of angry men coming our way, if that helps.
Kirk: You're lucky I can't demote you.

Cavemen: GRAAAA--
Phasers: (ZAP)
Cavemen: --ack! Geez, screw this!
Kirk: They're scurrying off! Grab one, Scotty!
Scotty: I cannae hold onto him, Captain! My wee arms cannae take the strain!
Kirk: I miss Spock.

Caveman: Oog! Oog oog oo-- *cough* Sorry, something in my throat. What do you want?
Kirk: I'm hoping you can help us. A strange woman has stolen my friend's brain and --
Caveman: What's a woman?
(long pause)
Kirk: Kirk to Sulu: charge the phasers and blow the hell out of this planet.
Sulu: (over the comm) Aren't you still on the --
Kirk: We don't have time for your quibbling, dammit!

Caveman: You might be thinking of the Others. They live underground and cause us pain and pleasure.
Kirk: ...Let's not go into any more detail on that. You can go.
Caveman: Whew! (leaves)
Scotty: Actually, we could have used more detail on the underground part.
Kirk: Shoot! Chekov, how could you forget to remind me of that?

Chekov: Veapons... food... supplies... shoot, a fella could have himself a pretty good veekend in Vostok with all this stuff.
Scotty: It must be a trap. Let's get caught in it.
Kirk: Are you crazy? First we get Spock down here, then we get caught in it. Transporter room, energize.
McCoy: Here he is, Jim. I rigged him up with a remote control like you asked.
Spock: (BUMP)
Kirk: Not a very accurate remote control.
McCoy: Also like you asked.

Kirk: Chekov, you and the redshirts stay here to guard the cave.
Chekov: Are you sure you von't need help down there?
Kirk: Don't worry. If anything goes wrong, I'll blame you.

Kirk: Oh dear. We are trapped. What ever shall we do.
Trap: Aw, you knew? That takes all the fun out of it.

Luma: Halt, intruders! I am Luma!
Kirk: Finally! I haven't seen a scantily-clad alien woman in almost 12 hours!
Scotty: Calm down, lassie, we're --
McCoy: Don't bother reasoning with her, Mr. Scott. She has the mind of a child.
Scotty: What makes you think that?
Luma: In the name of Sigma Draconis 6 I will right wrongs and triumph over evil -- and that means you!
McCoy: Just a guess.

Spock: So this is how an out-of-body experience feels....
Kirk: Spock! You're alive!
Spock: Indeed. I seem to be able to communicate electronically.
Kirk: Well, just tell us where to bring your freakish zombie corpse and we'll --
Kara: Still dips.

Captain's Log: My team and I have been captured by... wait, how can I possibly be recording a log right now?

McCoy: Don't suppose you're going to take us to your leader?
Kara: I, Kara, am the leader.
Kirk: Girls running a planet? That's silly. Someone must be taking care of you.
Kara: We have no Kara-taker! I mean, sure, there's the Controller, but that's different.
Kirk: Controller? You mean like a brain controls a body? My God! It must be Spock's brain!
Scotty: (Should one of us question his logic?)
McCoy: (And do that green-blooded Vulcan's job? I think not. Besides, the way things are going this week, he's probably right.)
Kara: Luma, turn on the Paininator. I hate long stage whispers.

Sulu's Log: Yawn. If this is what command is like, count me out. I hope the away team isn't having all kinds of fun without me.

Kirk: That was the worst pain I've suffered since the critics panned my album!
McCoy: That was the worst pain I've suffered since you played us your album.
Kirk: Well, at least they only left a couple of men to guard us. I trust we all know what to do in this situation.
Scotty: Aye. Doctor McCoy and I will cover our ears. Captain, start singing.

Kirk: Spock, we've got our communicators back! Can you hear us?
Spock: All too well. Has the doctor informed you that my body can only survive for 24 hours?
Scotty: (Come on! It's even in human time units! How considerate of Vulcan physiology!)
McCoy: (How many years did you study at Starfleet Medical? Huh?)
Kirk: We're aware, Mr. Spock. Can you direct us to where your brain is?
Spock: Certainly. Take a left at the vaguely Cardassian wall markings.

Kara: Back again? Do you enjoy the pain?
Kirk: Not really, but I wouldn't be the first Enterprise captain to YYYEEEEEAGH!
McCoy: Oof... Jim... use Spock...
Kirk: I'm... trying! I knew we needed an analog stick on this thing!

("Spock" disarms Kara)
Kara: Unfair! Why wasn't he affected?
McCoy: No brain, no pain. If it helps, when he's back in his body, he'll definitely be feeling some of the things Jim banged him into.
Spock: Strangely enough, I am in fact feeling bodily sensations.
Kirk: Those must be the functions of this base! Your "lungs" are venting air, your "nerves" are powering machinery...
Scotty: Sorry to interrupt, but we should get rid of these pain belts. Is there a waste disposal around here?
Kirk and Spock: ...
Scotty: *snort* Okay, I did that on purpose.

Kara: It was the Teacher who showed us what to do.
Kirk: That's impossible! We've met enough of you people now, there are clearly no teachers on this planet.
Spock: She is referring to the helmet that you have likely been assuming is a large pincushion.
Kirk: This thing? Huh. I was thinking sea urchin. Okay, men, let's cram her into it.
Kara: No! Noooo!
McCoy: Jim, we're three men using force on a screaming woman. Don't you find that a bit disturbing?
Kirk: Yes, but on this particular mission, I'm grading "disturbing" on a curve.

Kara/Teacher: Greetings.
Kirk: All right, we're finally dealing with someone who isn't an absolute doorknob. Let's talk this out.
Kara/Teacher: Very well.
Kirk: You will put Spock's brain back in his body!
Kara/Teacher: I will not!
Kirk: You must!
Kara/Teacher: I refuse!
Kirk: ...Okay, that didn't work. Anyone have a better idea?
McCoy: I will in a second.

Captain's Log: Dr. McCoy has used the Teacher and is now attempting to re-enbrain Spock. The danger to both is great, but he insisted. Gave me some ludicrous speech about risk being our business.

Kara: We will all die without our Controller!
Kirk: Nonsense. You'll just need to climb up the long ladder to the surface and build a new civilization by breeding with the men. I'll help.
Kara: With the civilization part, you mean?
Kirk: (Damn.) Yes, my world has many success stories I can teach you. I think you in particular, Kara, would be a super girl to start running a coffee franchise...
Scotty: Captain, isn't this sort of the exact opposite of the Prime Directive?
Kirk: It's superceded in this case by an even higher law taught to every captain: the Omega Glory Directive. "If the episode is bad enough, just get it over with by any means necessary."

McCoy: Wait. Wait! I can't do this!
Kirk: Sure you can! You have before, remember? The neural clone operation? Your job with the Initiative?
McCoy: I can't! It's all gone! Right now I can't tell a preganglionic fiber from a postganglionic nerve!
Kirk: Wow, sounds like you've even lost your regular medical knowledge. This is pretty desperate... too bad we don't have some kind of emergency backup doctor.
Nurse Chapel: (over the comm) I'll do it! Please state the na--
Kirk: I said desperate, not hopeless.

Captain's Log, Supplemental: Our last chance is to reconnect Spock's -- okay, seriously, HOW am I recording these logs?

McCoy: All right, his vocal cords are connected.
Kirk: Great! Your turn, Spock -- tell him what to do!
Spock: ".nepir seert" teg uoy ,"esirpretnE" fo srettel eht pu xim uoy fI
Kirk: ...Bones, how did we get this far into the operation before I remembered that you hate him?

McCoy: Finally. Can't believe how hard that was. Rocket science I would understand, but this?
Kirk: Annnnd he's on his feet already. Oh, whatever, at this point why not?
Spock: An excellent job, Doctor -- wait. Are those engrams in your hand?
McCoy: I did NOT have any parts left over and I am insulted by the suggestion!
Spock: You mistake my reaction for concern. Quite the contrary. Should I ever make a serious error, you have supplied me with a prime excuse.

Kirk: Well, that's that. Let's head home.
McCoy: Ugh. Anyone else feel like their very DNA is missing some important gene?
Scotty: Aye, you can say that again. We've had ridiculous missions before, but this one set a new threshold.
Kirk: Oh, have a little spirit, folks. We can't go on missions full of scientific fascination and moral shades of grey all the time. We're bound to get a few like this.
Spock: If I understand correctly, Jim, you are advising us in such situations to simply turn off our --
Kirk: Do NOT say it.
(Spock doesn't say it at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 27, 2014.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2014, Zeke.