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Five-Minute "Assignment: Earth"


Captain's Log: We've traveled back in time somehow to solve the age-old historical question, "How did mankind survive the 60s?"

Spock: Jim, why did you have to fall asleep in the middle of the mission drawing?
Kirk: I was tired! I had a... busy night.
Spock: (sigh) We could've been sent to figure out the mystery of the pyramids! Or the strange disappearance of the Roanoke colony!
Kirk: I'm sorry! All right?
Spock: Jeez, we didn't even get picked for "Who was buried in Grant's Tomb?"!
Kirk: Look, can we just focus on the mission at hand?
Scotty: We're mysteriously intercepting a transporter signal.
Kirk: There! Is that mysterious enough for you?
(A mysterious man with a mysterious cat materializes on the platform)
Mysterious Cat: Yo.
Spock: Fine, fine....

Gary Seven: Is this Earth?
Kirk: Uh... sure.
Gary Seven: Wait a sec.... You're a Vulcan!
Spock: Not so! I'm Chinese, you racist!
Gary Seven: And this -- this is a transporter room!
Spock: This? This is a pagoda.
Gary Seven: And this material you're wearing. It's velour!
Kirk: Damn, he's got you there....

Kirk: This being a briefing, let's keep it brief. Chekov, you're dismissed. Everyone else may stay.
Chekov: But...
Kirk: Leave, you boxer-wearing traitor. (ahem) So Mr. Seven claims to be on a mission which, if stopped, will alter the course of history.
Scotty: He traveled either a great distance or a long time. He swallowed his ticket stub, so I can't be sure which.
Chekov: (over the comm) The planet he claims to come from is not on our charts.
Spock: On this day in history, a bunch of hippies were protesting about something.
Kirk: Then it's critical that we don't let anything disturb their anti-government speech. He shall stay in the brig!

McCoy: I don't get it. He checks out as human, but -- get this -- perfectly human.
Kirk: Pah! Only I get readings like that!
Mysterious Cat: Later.
(The mysterious cat exits the room)
Scotty: (over the comm) You won't believe this, but somebody has activated the transporter and Gary has escaped!
Kirk: Egad! Well, it could only be one man... Spock, have Chekov put in the booth. Maximum setting.

Gary Seven: Ah! It's good to be home. Computer -- where are agents 201 and 347?
Beta-5 Computer: Dude, you can't just barge in and ask classified information of a secure computer.
Gary Seven: Hmm, good point. I suppose you need exposition to operate. Very well, I'm the descendent of a human taken from Earth 6,000 years ago. For generations we've been trained to protect Earth from itself, due to--
Beta-5: Enough. Who said anything about needing exposition to run? Just give me a freakin' code or something.
Gary Seven: Oh. Right.

(Kirk and Spock materialize in a New York City alleyway)
Kirk: Ha! Who put you in a fuzzy Russian Cossack hat?
Spock: You did.
Kirk: That's right! Pwn3d!1!
Spock: (sigh) Spock to Enterprise: Scotty, can you direct us to Mr. Seven's location?
Scotty: (over the comm) In Hollywood, working on a script with Rick Berman.
Spock: Mr. Gary Seven, not Mr. Mrs. Braga.

Beta-5: Agents 201 and 347 seem to have disappeared. Looks like you'll have to do their mission for them.
Gary Seven: And what mission is that?
Beta-5: Oh, just set some rocket to malfunction before it launches an hour from now.
Gary Seven: Shouldn't be too difficult as long as there aren't any distractions.
Roberta Lincoln: Hello!

Gary Seven: Which agent are you, 201 or 347?
Roberta: I'm not agent, I'm caucagent!
Gary Seven: That's not even remotely funny. Just report in already.
Roberta: Gee, mister, I haven't turned in a report in since high school. Well, technically elementary school but --
Gary Seven: You're just the other guys' stupid secretary, aren't you?
Beta-5: I could have told you that.
Gary Seven: Quiet, you.

Spock: Mr. Scott, are we close?
Scotty: (over the comm) He's behind the door to your left.
(Kirk opens the door)
Roberta: Aahh! An agent man wearing a Cossack hat!
Kirk: (snicker)
Spock: I'm Chinese.
Roberta: That's what I said. Agent.
Kirk: Where's Agent Seven?
Gary Seven: Leaving.
Kirk: Oh. Hey, wait!

Spock: Look, Agent Seven was in possession of blueprints for McKinley Rocket Base.
Scotty: (over the comm) You mean Kennedy Space Center?
Spock: Desilu doesn't have the rights to that president yet, so they went with the guy who was assassinated before him.

Security Guard: You look suspicious. I'll have to see some ID.
Gary Seven: How's this?
Guard: (reading) Want to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours? Read the other side to find out. (flips card)
Gary Seven: If you need me, I'll be sneaking onto the launch pad.
Guard: Okay. (flips card again)

Kirk: See if you can use a weather satellite to visually locate Gary Seven on the launch pad.
Scotty: Huh?
Kirk: Less confusion, more miracles.

(Kirk and Spock materialize near the launch pad)
Guard: (flipping card) Hey, who are you?
Kirk: We're here to... um... can I see that card you're holding?
Guard: No way!
Kirk: Gimme that. (Kirk steals the card)
Guard: That's it, you two are under arrest.
Spock: What'd I do?
Guard: You're loitering.
Spock: Aw.

Scotty: Wow, I actually found Gary Seven with the weather satellite. Go me! Let's beam him aboard.
(Gary Seven is beamed from the gantry to the Enterprise)

Roberta: Wow, I accidentally sat on a switch and opened a weird chamber. Go me! Let's push random buttons.
(Gary Seven is beamed from the Enterprise to the apartment)
Gary Seven: Thank you. Now, all I have to do is set the rocket to malfunction over Asia, and then --
Roberta: What?
Gary Seven: Don't try to stop me. The rocket has already launched.
Roberta: No, seriously. I just wanted to know what you were going to say next.

Captain's Log: Want to know how to keep an idiot busy for hou--
Spock: That's not terribly constructive.
Guard: Hey, give me my card back already!
Spock: (nerve-pinches the guard) Spock to Enterprise, two to beam directly to Seven's apartment.
Kirk: Good work, Spock. (flips card)

Roberta: Come on! Tell me what you were going to say next!
Gary Seven: Please just give me back my death-ray pen so I can do my job and not blow up the largest continent on Earth.
Spock: (upon entering) Captain, there's not much time. We must detonate the warhead from here.
Kirk: Sure. (flips card)
Gary Seven: Give me that.
Kirk: Aw.

Gary Seven: I need to detonate the warhead now. Let me.
Roberta: Let him.
Spock: Make an emotional decision, Captain. Logic is pointless.
Kirk: Did I miss something? Did everyone just reverse their stances simultaneously?
Everyone but Kirk: Just say yes already!
Kirk: Yes?
(Gary Seven causes the rocket to detonate 104 miles from the surface)
Everyone but Spock: Hooray!
Spock: Miles?

Gary Seven: So it seems I saved the day.
Spock: We did too. Our ship's computers verify that the warhead exploded exactly 104 (shudder) miles above the surface.
Roberta: I didn't help at all.
Kirk: Yes, we all did our part to help you two out on your pilot.
Spock: Pilot?
Kirk: Yes, Spock. This was all a pilot for a new show with Mr. Seven and Miss Lincoln. Didn't you know?
Spock: No, that... er... never occurred to me. Heh, a pilot. Kinda silly, don't you think? Silly... yeah.

Chekov: Do you want a wide shot or a close-up?
Spock: Shh! (ahem) Nobody may ever know how mankind really survived the sixties. However, these events are a stunning possibility in light of all the evidence. Until next time on In Search Of, I'm Leonard Nimoy. (Uhura, start playing the weird music!)
Uhura: (starts playing) That's a stupid stage name....
Spock: Quiet! (ahem) This series presents information based in part on theory and conjecture. The producer's purpose is to suggest some possible explanation -- but not necessarily the only one -- to the mysteries we will examine.
Chekov: And... cut!
Spock: Excellent. You think the studios will like it?
Chekov: Sure, why not?
Uhura: I dunno, seemed kinda cheesy to me.
Spock: Whatever. Just make sure you send that tape off before we head back to the 23rd century, all right?
Chekov: Yes sir!
(Spock's pilot ships to the studios at Desiludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 10, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.