Home Prev 5MST: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "And the Children Shall Lead"


McCoy: They're dead, Jim.
Kirk: You can't just start off with that line. You need context.
McCoy: The whole Triacus colony, dead.
Professor Starnes: Must kill the enemy within! GAK!
McCoy: Uh, except for him until just now.
Children: Hahaha! Let's play follow the leader!
McCoy: And the kids. Yeah....
Kirk: Your catchphrase didn't work there. Just own up to it.
McCoy: Never!

Captain's Log: A group of kids should be upset that their parents all went crazy and killed themselves. You'd think so, right? Well, I wouldn't. Just further proof that children are EVIL.

Kirk: We are gathered here today to remember the dearly departed--
Don: Let's go play in the cave!
Mary: Hooray, the cave!
Kirk: That's it, I give up. You kids are going up to the ship with Doctor McCoy.
McCoy: But--
Kirk: And stay away from that cave. What's with that, anyway?
Tommy: This cave... is strong with the dark side of the force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go.
Kirk: Yeah, cute. Get to the ship already. I've got a cave to explore.
Ray: Your weapons... you will not need them.
Kirk: Yes, I got the reference! Go away!

Kirk: Hello, is anyone in here?
Darth Vader: No.
Kirk: Well that's goo-- hey, wait!
Spock: Did you say something, Captain?
Kirk: There's somebody else in here! Ack, anxiety attack!
Spock: You don't seem all right, Jim. You're acting hammier than usual.
Kirk: Just don't tell anybody about it, okay?
Spock: Don't worry. There will be absolutely NO follow-up to this scene in the entire episode.

Chapel: Who wants a surprise?
Mary: I want a vanilla and strawberry surprise!
Stevie: I want a chocolate marble surprise with peaches on top!
Kirk: Um, those defeat the purpose of "surprise".
Tommy: These adults are just like our parents.
Mary: Yeah! Bonk bonk on the--
Tommy: Shh! Be more sub-tel.
Kirk: Tommy, can I speak with you a minute?
Tommy: Crap!

Kirk: You know Tommy, you remind me a lot of my nephew.
Tommy: I don't care.
Kirk: Did I ever tell you about the time his father was killed by flying brain cells?
Tommy: We just met. No.
Kirk: Yep. My good ol' brother. Wait a minute, I had a brother?
Tommy: I'm leaving now.

Children: Hail, hail -- Angel man! Serve the plot as fast as you can!
Gorgan: Hello children. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, isn't it? Today, we will learn about commandeering. Can you say "commandeer"?
Children: "com-mand-eer".
Gorgan: Very good! Now, can you use it in a sentence?
Stevie: "When I first saw the elk, I thought it was a commandeer."
Gorgan: Not quite, Stevie. Anyone else?
Mary: How about, "The Enterprise is the spaceship we will commandeer."
Gorgan: Much better.

Tommy: What's that on the screen?
Sulu: The planet Triacus.
Tommy: (uses the magic gesture) How about now?
"Triacus": Hi, I'm not a hallucination or nuthin'!
Sulu: That also appears to be the planet Triacus.
Uhura: Holy crap, we've gone to warp! Where's Triacus?
"Triacus": I've been here all along! I didn't appear from thin air -- no ma'am!
Uhura: My mistake.

Scotty: Um, guys? When did we go to warp?
Redshirt: We're not at warp. See?
"Warp Core": I am currently offline.
Redshirt: Everything normal.
Scotty: Why you-- (PUNCH)
Don: Woohoo, Redshirt fight!

Spock: Legends tell of vague spirits on the planet that are "friendly" and "angelic".
Kirk: So?
Spock: I'm just making small talk. It's not like we've actually done anything in the past half hour.
Kirk: Why not beam down a couple of redshirts and take bets on who dies first?
Spock: A most logical diversion.

Kirk: Mr. Transporter guy, two to beam down.
Transporter Guy: Aye, sir.
(The away team dematerializes)
Kirk: I call the guy in the red.
Spock: But sir, they're both--
Transporter Guy: I'm having difficulty locating the away team, sir.
Spock: Lemme see th-- holy crap, you beamed them into space!
Kirk: Woo, I win! The guy in red was first!
Spock: Captain, I-- never mind. How the hell did you make such a stupid mistake, Lieutenant?
Transporter Guy: Sorry sir, I just don't think straight after my third bottle of glue.

Children: Hail, hail -- Angel guy! Help us make the viewers cry!
Kirk: What the--
Gorgan: You summoned me right in front of the Captain? Jeez, you kids are stup-- er, stupendous! Today's summoning is brought to you by the letter "D". Can you think of words that start with "D"?
Stevie: Doggie?
Gorgan: Good. Anything else?
Ray: Daggers!
Sulu: Oh my God, there's daggers on the screen! We'll all die!
Gorgan: Very good. And today's number is "87".
Uhura: Say, when did they install a mirror he-- Oh no, I'm 87 years old!

Kirk: Spock, do something!
Spock: No.
Kirk: Oh no, I'm losing the ability to command!
Spock: Yep.
Kirk: Wait, I'm back in control again!
Spock: Yes, you are.
Kirk: What is going on here?
Spock: I doubt even the writers know.

Kirk: Hey, Scotty -- we need your help retaking the ship.
Scotty: Go away, or I'll kill you!
Kirk: Don't you think that's rather harsh?
Scotty: Sic 'em, redshirts!
Kirk: Retreat! There's three of them and only two of us!
Spock: But they're not even security guards, they're frikkin' engineers! The illogic!
Kirk: Relax. We can just blame it on the alien control.

Chekov: Come with me Captain, I have orders from Starfleet Command to arrest you.
Kirk: Cute.
Chekov: Don't make me and my two redshirt guards kill you.
Kirk: (Spock, I think we can take 'em! There's two of us and only three of them!)
Spock: But... we just....
Kirk: Alien control, Spock. Alien control.

Kirk: Your leader is afraid to be seen!
Tommy: No, not really.
Kirk: Then let the crew see him!
Mary: Um, they already have.
Spock: Ha. Kid logic 1, Kirk logic 0. (ahem) Hail, hail -- Angel dude! Please don't appear in the nude!
Gorgan: Who are you? Oh, hey kids. Want to sing a song?
Kirk: No. Hey Spock, play that video we found of the kids' parents dying.
Spock: What? Jim, that's terrible. And didn't Dr. McCoy say NOT to scar these kids for life?
Kirk: Probably.

Video: I show pleasant memories of fun with your parents.
Children: Hooray!
Children: Wah!
Kirk: Children, look at your "friendly" angel now!
Gorgan: Oh no, I'm growing zits at exponential rates! GAK!

Sulu: Hooray, the daggers are gone!
Uhura: And I'm young again!
Spock: I would question what just happened, but I fear the explosive decompression of my brain.
Kirk: Yes, well at least the kids are crying now.
McCoy: Indeed, it's a healthy psychological sign.
Kirk: That, and they had it coming, those little sh--
(The censors move in at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: The Paradise Syndrome
Next fiver: Is There In Truth No Beauty?


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, IJD GAF.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Star Trek
___ ___ Season 3
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "And the Children Shall Lead"

This fiver was originally published on March 1, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, IJD GAF.