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Five-Minute "The Ambergris Element"

by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

Captain's Log: We are orbiting Planet Argo, an M-class planet that was once almost covered by water, but that was changed by natural siz... say....
Kirk: What is that word, Spock?
Spock: Seismic, Captain.
Seismic activity. We have beamed down to instig... ahem, investigate, and put our lives on line as usual to save the galaxy. But as long as there may be women down there, it's worth it.

Lieutenant Clayton: I didn't know a spaceship kept aqua shuttles!
Spock: With the sinking ratings during the second season of The Original Series, we thought they'd come in handy.
Clayton: Are you always that verbose?
Spock: More -- you cut me short. Given the fact that you are a lieutenant wearing red that we've never seen before, I calculate the odds of you not knowing for long are... oh, never mind. Here are some exciting mountains--
Sursnake Tail: SLAP!
(The aqua shuttle does a somersault)
Kirk: Whoa! Phasers on stun!
Spock: Firing phasers, Captain.
McCoy: What in the blazes was that?
Spock: It's life, Doctor McCoy, but not as we know it.
Kirk: Let's go diving to see if there is a female specimen!
Spock: To be more verbose, that reads: "We are en route to find the Dame-Snake to accompany the Sur-Snake."

McCoy: Dual respiratory system -- gills and lungs.
Spock: That sounds similar to the Denebian whale.
McCoy: Hey, you pointy-eared, green-blooded sod -- who's the expert on lifeforms?
Sursnake Tail: SLAP!
Spock: Doctor McCoy, I was about to point out that we should leave before the stun effects wore off.
Kirk: Surface, Mr. Clayton!
Clayton: Surfacing, sir.

Kirk: Cool, a sea chase! Prepare to fire phasers, Mr Spock.
Spock: Firing rather than preparing, sir. Phasers are not responding.
Kirk: Scotty, beam us up!
Sursnake Tail: SLAP!
Kirk and Spock: SPLASH!

Ship's Log, Lt. Montgomery Scott: Unfortunately, we can't find Mr Spock. Thus, we are on Argo conducting a search. He and our Captain have been missing for five days.

Clayton: Wait -- there's something on that rock! There they are!
McCoy: Maybe they're still alive?
Kirk: Can't!... Breathe!...
Scotty: Apart from the ducky hands, he's his normal self!
McCoy: But they can't breathe air; let's put them into a jumbo fish tank!
Clayton: Where can we get one of those?
McCoy: We will pull it out of nowhere, in consistency with the aqua shuttle and this little handy boat.
Clayton: You seem only to point out the obvious, and you outrank me?

Medical Log: Kirk and Spock have been confined to the fish tank. They want to return to the planet to find some answers. Right now, we are facing engineerus interruptus, though.

Scotty: Doctor, there be wails here!
McCoy: The humpback captain and his sidekick?
Scotty: Not exactly. I was here a wee moment ago, and the Captain was doing his Mr Tambourine Man impression. W-a-i-l-s, Doctor!
McCoy: (waving hypospray menacingly) Don't you have to go to look after your engine "bairns"?
Scotty: On my way, Doctor.
McCoy: Now, where were we? Oh yes -- It's too risky!
Kirk: But we want to be changed back -- and there could be women down there! Besides, I can't command this ship from a tank!
McCoy: You're starting to catch on....
Spock: Logic dictates I should go along so that this ship may lose the both of us.
McCoy: This show does have its merits.... Now, down you go.

Cadmar: Go away, air breathers! Our young saved your lives once and we eradicated the memory of the greener one!
Kirk: My memory must have been eru... eri... removed, too!
Cadmar: (swimming off) Don't flatter yourself, airhead.
Kirk: Look -- a fissure! Let's go explore it.
Spock: Since they went in there, there's no telling what we'll encounter.... Look, an underwater city!
Kirk: Fascinating.
Spock: Beautiful.
Kirk: Hey, you stole my line!
Spock: Call it even?
Kirk: Let's make some more silly comments and get ensnared.
Spock: Your logic is ever flawed -- but it is the mother of all Star Trek predicaments!

Cadmar: You are facing the Aquan Tribune, air breathers!
Rila: They came without arms.
Cadmar: I may be an old codger, but I'm far from stupid. What do you call those limbs, eh? Eh?
Kirk: Spock, let's hope they don't discover Scotty's boat. (ahem) Honored Aquans, I am James T. Kirk, and this is my first officer, Spock.
Incoming Aquan: We have discovered three more air breathers!
Cadmar: That does it.... we'll surface you.

Kirk: (choke)
Spock: (choke)
Rila: Let me just break another ordainment by saving your life again.
(goes to fetch Scotty)
Scotty: What have we here -- a mermaid! And I haven't even had my daily dose of whisky yet!

Scotty: Doctor McCoy told me there is a seaquake due!
Rila: The ancient records tell of such occurrences. Our surface places sank and we adapted to sea life.
Kirk: So you're descendants of your enemies?
Rila: No; mutants. But that's not much different.
Spock: Fascinating.
Kirk: Will you let me do the talking?
Spock: Captain, the air-breathers might have been scared into their violent behavior.
Rila: The answer lies in our ancient records. But you can't see them; it's against the ordainments.
Kirk: I break the Prime Directive in almost every single episode -- hang the ordainments!
Rila: Okay. I'll take you there if you can do some of our forbidden work for us.

Spock: Look, medical records.
Kirk: We'll just grab two random scrolls and find the answer there.
Sursnake: (grins)
Spock: Ignore it, Captain. It will be buried by the oncoming tremor anyway -- we've got to surface and beam up.

McCoy: Guess what -- the antidote you need is synthesized from the venom of the sursnakes!
Kirk: What does the sursnake van... vin... uh, poison, cure?
McCoy: It reverses the effects of an "Ambergris element" in your bloodstream, also found in Earth whales.
Spock: And they say I stray from the subject.
Kirk: Talk to the episode title writers about that.
McCoy: Just get yourselves down there and put your lives on the line again.

Aquan: We can't help you catch a sursnake. It would be breaking our ordainments!
Spock: That never stopped you before.
Aquan: I guess not -- "thar she blows"!

Medical Log: I have successfully brought the Captain and Mr Spock back to normal -- nearly killing Jim in the process. My true regret is giving Spock his lungs back, though. Now I only have to shrink the huge fish tank to The Terratin Incident size.

Kirk: We can change the epicenter of the quake -- fire phasers!
Spock: Sensors indicate the epicenter of the quake was located in the north polar sea, Captain. It had no inhabitants.
Cadmar: You saved us!
Rila: Now we young ones can go live on the surface!
Kirk: Who da man? Who da man?
Kirk: Clearly my crew members don't know what they've got.
Spock: I believe they do know, Captain.
Kirk: (glares at Spock) Take a subtle hint: I'm da man!
Spock: Captain, the proper pronunciation is "demanding".

Kirk: Okay, time for my condescending comment! Make sure you two tribes stay in touch.
Cadmar: We'll make ordainments...
Rila: ...and not break them this time... at least until you've left our planet. Now beam us down quickly, please.
Clayton: (off screen) Hey, everybody! I'm a redshirt and I made it through the entire epis -- splat!
Kirk: What was that?
Sulu: Oh, it might have been a katana practice session...
Uhura: ...or possibly the twang of a harp string...
Arex: ...or a spare limb put to good use, all for the purpose of a single line.
Kirk: Just let me get the last word, will you?
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 7, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.