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Five-Minute "Slaver Weapon"


First Officer's Log: We're heading back to the Enterprise with what could be one of the deadliest artifacts ever -- a box! Okay, so its a 'stasis box' or whatever...big deal.

Uhura: We could use a little background here....
Spock: Right. The box is from the Slaver Empire, which died a long time ago.
Sulu: In a galaxy far, far away?
Spock: Nah, in Known Space....

Stasis Box: Glow!
Spock: Woah, what's that mean?
Uhura: There's another stasis box orbiting the nearby Beta Lira?
Spock: Whew...I woulda guessed that it was radioactive or something.

Even though this isn't a log entry, I (Spock) am narrating anyway to tell you of the dangers of Stasis Boxes. Having done that, back to the story.

Spock: Readings show the box to be under the ice of this barren world.
Sulu: How can you take readings? Only the box we have can tell us where it is....
Spock: As the highest in command this episode, it is my obligation to order you to shut up.
Kzin: ZAP! You're stunned! ZAP! You're stunned! ZAP! You're stunned!

Well, it looks like I have some more narrating to do. It's my fault the Kzinti now have the stasis box. Again, back to the story...

Sulu: Aw crap, they had phasers! The Treaty of Cyrius prohibits them those!
Spock: One wonders how they got around the Prime Directive with that one....
Sulu: Hey, different sci-fi universe, different laws.
Spock: Okay, here's our plan; Sulu, think of vegetables while Uhura looks stupid.
Uhura: I'm going to assume that there's a method to this madness.
Spock: There is, but you're supposed to be too stupid to grasp it right now.

Chuft Captain: Speak, human. Silence, vegetarian Vulcan scum.
Sulu: Woo hoo, I get to headline the episode!
Chufty: Not quite...anyway, it doesn't matter; soon we shall open your box and unleash the ultimate weapon in the universe - the soft weapon!
Sulu: That's 'Slaver weapon' there, buddy. Name change and all that....
Chufty: Whatever...just open the box, other Kzin guy.
Kzin: Let's see here...a slaver family portrait...a piece of meat...and a soft, er, 'Slaver' weapon. Thank God for the episode name.

First Officer's Log: Yep, we're officially screwed now. Good thing their threat can't be too big, or this crossover would overstay its welcome....

Chufty: Let's see here...this setting doesn't do anything....this one's a telescope...this one's a phaser...this one's a rocket pack with the exhaust aimed at me....AAAAGGGHHH!
Uhura: Ooh, good time to escape!
Chufty: Hey, she's escaping!
Kzin: ZAP!
Uhura: Ow.

Chufty: Okay, back to testing. This setting doesn't do much except turn off the lights....
Kzin: You fool, that thing's an energy absorber!
Uhura: Quick, run!
Chufty: Hey, she's escaping again! And this time the others are too!
Spock: Hiiii-yah...gimme the weapon.
Chufty: Owthatsmarts..okay.
Kzin: ZAP!
Uhura: Ow.
Spock: (to Sulu) You know, we probably shouldn't put her in situations where she has to run anymore.

Chufty: (over the comm) We have your woman, will you trade us the weapon for her?
Spock: Nah, we'd rather fidget with it and blow you up in the process, right Sulu?
Sulu: (pushing random buttons) Righ-
Spock: Fascinating, a total conversion from matter to energy....
Shockwave: Gotcha!
Spock: ...complete with talking shockwave.

Weapon: Hi.
Chufty: Woah, it talks too! Show us that 'BOOM!' again.
Weapon: No problem.

Spock: Ah, a self-destruct...predictable, no?
Sulu: No. That thing belonged in a museum!
Spock: Not so fast, Indy.

Spock: You know, the Kzinti have a superstition about weapons haunted by their former owners.
Uhura: Do you think....
Sulu: Ha! Like an inanimate object could be manipulated by the supernatural....
Stasis Box: Glow!
Sulu: Er....
(The long-range shuttlecraft warps off at a Paranormal Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 1, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.