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Five-Minute "The Time Trap"

by Marc Richard

Captain's Log: We are approaching the Delta Triangle, an area of space where countless starships have mysteriously vanished. Personally, I'd prefer to be heading for Bermuda, but that's the way it goes.

Kirk: Spock, what would explain these reported ship disappearances?
Spock: There could be any number of reasons. Navigational errors. Space storms. Communication breakdowns.
Sulu: Captain, three Klingon warships have surrounded us!
Spock: Add "piracy" to that list.

Kor: This is Captain Kor, of the Klothos. Surrender or we will destroy you!
Kirk: What, you again? Get lost!
Klothos: POOF!
Kirk: I meant that figuratively.
Enterprise: POOF!
Kirk: And I wasn't talking about us!

Scotty: The stars are gone!
Spock: We seem to have entered a strange pocket in the space-time continuum.
Kirk: Quite a discovery. I think I'll name it... The Void!
Spock: How original.

Scotty: Sir, look at all those starships up ahead!
Spock: They appear to be drifting derelicts.
Kirk: Good. I was worried one of them might shoot at us the moment we got here.
Sulu: Incoming Klingon torpedo, sir!
Kirk: (irritably) Do you have any good news today, Mr. Sulu?
Sulu: Uh... the torpedo's just dissolved harmlessly.
Kirk: That's better.

Uhura: The captain! He's vanished!
Klingon Officer: (over the comm) Our captain has just disappeared!
McCoy: Do you think the Metrons are at it again?
Spock: Not an unreasonable hypothesis.

Xerius: Welcome to our harmonious Elysian society. Devna, pronounce our law.
Devna: If any of you commits violence, your entire crew will be suspended for a century.
Kor: A century? You can't be serious!
Devna: No, I'm Devna; he's Xerius.

Sulu: We have barely three weeks before our warp core is drained.
Spock: And only four days before our dilithium crystals break down.
Scotty: And just five hours before the Scotch supply runs out!
Kirk: Then we'll have to set priorities. Bones, how soon can you rig up a still?

Kaz: There is no way to escape this inert layer of subspace.
Kor: Let us try anyway and half-wreck our ship in the process!
Kaz: A human captain would never act that stupidly.
Kor: (pounding the table with his fist) We are Klingons!

Spock: I propose that we escape by pooling our resources with the Klingons.
Kirk: Good idea. We'll call this arrangement... The Alliance!
McCoy: How do you come up with all these great names?

Kor: Very well -- we will work with you.
Spock: (arms around Kor and Kaz) Thank you so much, comrades!
Kirk: "Comrades"?
Spock: I am merely filling in for the absent Mr. Chekov, sir.

Spock: The Klingons are plotting treachery against us.
Kirk: How did you find that out?
Spock: By using the Vulcan Mind Hug, of course.

Kaz: (handing Kor a card) Kirk has invited us to an "intercultural going-away party."
Kor: (reading) "Electronic mood music provided by the Mute Alien Quartet"? Arrrrgggh! And what does "BYOB" mean?
Kaz: "Bring Your Own Bloodwine," I think.
Kor: They will all die for this outrage!

Kaz: Keep away from my woman!
McCoy: Hey, all I did was ask her to dance.
Kaz: You'll have to fight me for her, human!
Kali: (slugging Kaz) We Klingon women do our own fighting!
McCoy: That's quite a left hook you've got there, miss.
Kali: (slugging McCoy) Who asked for your opinion?

Xerius: The Klingons must be punished for starting the fight!
Kirk: If you suspend them, we won't be able to escape.
Xerius: Why is that so important to you?
Kirk: Because... be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
McCoy: Nice speech, Dorothy.

Kirk: Take us out, Mr. Sulu. Be sure to stay in tight formation with the Klothos.
Sulu: Our ships are bolted together, sir.
Kirk: Oh. That should do, then.

Xerius: Enterprise, the Klingons have planted a bomb on your ship!
Uhura: (over the comm) Who's speaking, please?
Xerius: This is Xerius!
Uhura: I agree, but I still need your name and phone number.

Scotty: Here it is! Open a window so I can throw it out into space!
Spock: May I suggest you use an ejection slot instead?

Kor: Kaz, notify the High Council that I have destroyed the Enterprise!
Kaz: Actually, they survived intact.
Kor: And add that I take full credit for our escape, too!
Kaz: That's not true either, sir.
Kor: No one ever got to be a Dahar Master by being modest, you lunkhead!
(The Klothos sails away at Pretentious Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 20, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Marc Richard.