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Five-Minute "Spectre of the Gun"

by PointyHairedJedi

Kirk: Stand by for action! Anything can happen in the next half hour!
Sulu: Captain -- there's a strange twirly thing on the big flat moving picture thing!
Spock: Curious. It appears to be made of Meccano. And it's following us.
Beacon: No solicitors, no girl scouts and definitely no Jehovah's Witnesses!
Kirk: Hey! That was in English. With a really bad Scottish accent.
Spock: In Vulcan, you mean. With a really bad Scottish accent.
Uhura: No, no, it was in Swahili. With a really bad --
Scotty: Yeah yeah, we know. Um... what are you all looking at me for?
Kirk: Oh, no reason. Full speed ahead, Sulu.

Captain's Log: Fog? Most unexpected. I shall certainly mention it to our meteorologist Mr. Fish when we get back.

McCoy: I guess the transporter must have malfunctioned.
Scotty: Now you're just being silly, Doctor.
Kirk: (flips communicator; nothing happens) That can't be good.
Chekov: I think we may be getting an incoming message from that big giant head.
Kirk: You are really gonna pay for that later, mister.
Melkosian: Does nobody pay attention to signs any more? Your punishment shall be... death!
Spock: Gee, that's original.

(Swirly effect)
Chekov: Where on earth are we now?
Spock: A representation of Tombstone, Arizona, circa 1881. October the twenty-sixth, to be precise.
Kirk: How did you know that? Some kind of advanced Vulcan logic-extrapolation technique?
Spock: Actually it says so on that newspaper over there. Incidentally, it's also the date of a famous shootout between two gangs, the Earps and the Clantons. It would seem, Captain, that the Melkosians took the setting for our executions from your mind.
Kirk: I guess watching that western last night wasn't such a good idea after all.
Johnny: Ike! All ready for your fight with the Earps?
Spock: Interesting. We must be the Clanton Gang.
Chekov: And who won this shootout?
Spock: Take a wild guess....

Gunfighter: GAK!
McCoy: He's dead.
Kirk: I can read, Bones. Well, at least we know that we can die, eh, Chekov?
Chekov: Could you maybe not finger your gun threateningly when you say that?

Sylvia: Billy! I knew you wouldn't run away like the big yellow coward everyone says you are.
Chekov: I'll have you know colour of my shirt is entirely incidental.
Kirk: And that must be Morgan Earp. Look, he's reaching for his gun as a greeting.
Spock: Captain, I suggest you sit back down very carefully. We don't have any redshirts to shield us if things turn nasty.
Morgan: What d'ya want to hang around the Clown-tons for, Sylvia?
Chekov: Get your hands off of my woman!
Kirk: Now let's not go shooting off --
Morgan: No, that's not happening for a while yet.

Spock: You know, I do believe he was trying to pick a fight.
Ed: Let's see, a dozen bourbons for Billy Clanton, and one for everyone else. Oh, and if I were you, I'd be careful. Those guys have been calling you names all day.
Sylvia: Oh Billy, you were so brave.... SMOOCH
Kirk: You're playing a dangerous game, Mr Chekov....

Kirk: Listen, I know this is going to sound strange, but we're actually space explorers from the twenty-fourth century, and my name is Kirk.
Ed: That's a good one Ike. Not as funny as the one about the cattle rancher and the three nuns though.

Kirk: Really, fellas, there's been some sort of misunderstanding here.
Virgil: What part of 'leave town or die' did you misunderstand?
Kirk: I'm not really Ike Clanton, I'm actually James Kirk -- I don't really exist here.
Wyatt: Then you won't feel the bullets when we shoot you. You've got 'till five, Clanton.

Kirk: I felt it went quite well.
McCoy: Your busted lip just fills me with confidence. I would offer you some bourbon, but...
Kirk: So that's why Scotty is lying under the table. Spock, would it be possible to build a communicator or something?
Spock: In 1881? The scary thing is, you're serious.
Kirk: Always. Where has Chekov gotten to by the way?
Chekov: Don't worry, Sylvia, I'll be careful.
Sylvia: You'll be --
Kirk: I won't warn you again, "Billy."

Kirk: We're going to do this the Federation way -- if you can't win, run away.
Kirk: Or not, as the case may be. It seems we're going to have to fight the Earps on their own terms. Anyone got any ideas?
Scotty: What about the guns?
Kirk: The other way round, Scotty. Any other ideas?
McCoy: I could always make a tranquilizer.
Spock: And I could make a bomb! Or a gas grenade, either works for me.

McCoy: I need a few medical supplies. You see, I'm a doctor....
Holliday: Another one? Do you need your teeth fixed too?
McCoy: I just need a few things. It's a dire emergency.
Holliday: It sure is. Take 'em. But if you're still....
McCoy: Let me guess -- five o'clock?

Sylvia: Let's get married!
Chekov: You don't beat around the bush, do you? As much as I like the idea, it just wouldn't work.
Sylvia: Not even if I bat my eyes and kiss you again?
Chekov: Well, if you put it like that....
Morgan: Hey, Claiborne!
Kirk: Step aside, Earp. This one's mine. I warned you, Chekov, but would you listen?
Chekov: GAK!

Kirk: Sob. Chekov's dead and it's all my fault.
Spock: Well, you did shoot him.
McCoy: He knew the risks.
Spock: I just had a thought -- Billy Claiborne actually survived the original shootout.
Kirk: So, it happens that it doesn't have to happen the way it did happen.
Spock: We could use more time. Have you tried talking with them?
Kirk: No use -- they just make rude noises at you. There is another possibility, though....

Kirk: You're the sheriff -- surely you have to stop the fight?
Johnny: Hahahahaha! You and your jokes. You have to kill 'em, Ike! You've got no choice.
Kirk: Well, so much for that plan.

Spock: Well, it's ready. But we've yet to test it.
Kirk: Scotty, you've just been volunteered.
Scotty: I'd protest, but I'm too drunk. Tranquilize away!
(Nothing happens)
Kirk: Well, so much for that plan too.
McCoy: But it should have worked.
Spock: And yet it didn't, even though it shouldn't not have.
Kirk: ...Right. Look, our only choice is to stay right here, and not move from this very spot --

(Swirly effect)
Kirk: -- in the O. K. Corral? Crap. Run awaaay!
Kirk: Probably should have seen that one coming. I guess this means we'll have to fight.
Scotty: Good!
Kirk: Except that we don't have a chance and we'll all die.
Scotty: Err... bad.
Spock: Well, there is one thing -- none of this is really real. Chekov died because he believed he was going to die.
Kirk: So, if we know the bullets are not real...
Spock: Precisely. I could say something about doubt being fatal, but I'd rather we just skip to the mind-melds.

Earps: March, march, march....
Spock: Meld, meld, meld....

Kirk: Hello again, Morgan.
Morgan: Them's fightin' words! Let 'em have it, boys!
(Earps open fire)
Kirk: Hehe, that tickles. Now, Earp, you may be fast on the draw, but can you throw a punch?
Morgan: Erk!
Kirk: Didn't think so. Hey, quit vanishing! I didn't get to shoot you yet!

(Swirly effect)
McCoy: He's in perfect health, Jim.
Kirk: Good. That's one less murder charge I have to worry about.
Chekov: But it was all so real... you were there, and Auntie Em....
Spock: Captain, the Melkosian beacon is emitting highly unstable K-rays.
Kirk: Don't they make things go....
Spock: Indeed.
Melkosian: (on screen) This is the voice of the Melkosians -- we know you can hear us, Earth-men. Kirk, you could have killed, but you did not.
Kirk: Um, no, no, of course not, not like I was planning to or anything.
Melkosian: You may proceed to our planet, Kirk. But heaven help you if you try to sell us any insurance....

Spock: I have just one question for you, Captain. You wanted to kill, and yet you did not -- why?
Kirk: Humanity has overcome its need for pointless violence, Spock. Now, does anyone know a good place to find some aliens I can beat up?
(Spock's head spins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 30, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, PointyHairedJedi.