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Five-Minute "Day of the Dove"


Chekov: Wow, there's no indication that there was ever a colony here at all!
Kirk: Whoever did this must have cover-up technology on par with the ancient race who planted all those dinosaur bones in the soil of Earth!
McCoy: You mean the Deithons of Geocentrus VII?
Kirk: Yeah, those guys.

Spock: (over the comm) Captain, a crippled Klingon cruiser has entered the system, and -- wait a sec, I'm detecting life signs approaching your --
Kang: You attacked our ship!
Kirk: Huh? You destroyed a Federation colony here which, until now, we had no records of.
Kang: Lies! YOU destroyed a KLINGON colony here which until now WE had no records of.
Kirk: Hmm.... We seem to have reached an impasse.
Kang: Not really. I'm the one with the disruptors aimed at your head. Now who should I torture first?
Kirk: Do you really have to ask?
Chekov: (gulp)

Chekov: Gyeaaaarghhh!
Kang: Can't you hear his screams, Captain? When will you cave and allow us control of the Enterprise?
Kirk: You want to board the Enterprise? Why didn't you say so in the first place? Hand me back my communicator.
Kang: Excellent. Shall we cease the torture of your Russkie?
Kirk: Meh.

Kirk: Whoa! Where'd the Klingons go?
Spock: Was not your "and justice cake for the Klingons" request a coded message for Scotty to suspend the Klingon party in mid-transport?
Kirk: Huh? I just thought they'd like to try some of that delicious justice cake you bake. So fresh.... So moist.... So flaky....
Spock: So shall we beam these Klingons to the brig, along with those on the exploding Klingon ship?
Kirk: Hmmm, that's a lot of Klingons... better beam them to the backup brig.

Mara: Husband, these Federation cowards have tricked us all!
Kang: And this cake is dry! And horribly unjust!
Mara: Then it's settled -- we shall have our revenge!
Chekov: Man... what was I thinking when I volunteered my quarters for backup brig duty? All for a lousy rent discouyaaaAAAGH!

Captain's Log: Mmmmm.... justice.

Uhura: I don't understand it! We've lost all reception, my hail to Starfleet was dropped, and they haven't credited us a bonus anytime minute!
Scotty: (over the comm) The engines have magically powered to warp nine thou-- wait, just warp nine. That's a first.
Sulu: Our current heading is propelling us toward the edge of the galaxy!
Kirk: In other words, nothing terribly out of the ordinary.
Uhura: Reports coming in from the lower decks -- the bulkheads have closed and locked in 400 crewmembers!
Kirk: Wait a minute, that's below even Engineering. What are 400 crewmembers doing all the way down there?
Uhura: Kevin Thomas Riley’s third annual Beer, Babes, and 'Bot-Busting Bonanza. Didn't you get an invitation?
Kirk: Must... not... demonstrate... rage... with... drawn... out... speech... pattern....

Kirk: Kang, you must be responsible for this sabotage of the Enterprise! Without my logical friend to back me up here, I also must blame you for recent bear maulings, Ashley Simpson, and male pattern baldness.
Kang: Lies! If only we had some sort of revenge-enacting devices, we could truly demonstrate our sincerity.
Kang: Hooray, swords!
Kirk: Men, fire phasers!
Kirk: Crap, swords!

Spock: All our weapons have been turned into swords? That's not only illogical, it's retarded.
Kirk: Sulu, take command of the fight in Engineeri--
Chekov: No, I must go! I must avenge Pyotor! (runs off)
Uhura: When'd he come back?
Sulu: And who's Pyotor?
Kirk: I dunno, some roommate he's been babbling about.
Sulu: But Chekov doesn't have a roommate.

Scotty: Any sign of the Klingons?
Sulu: No sir, all clear.
Scotty: Then what's that?
Sulu: That's just a diversion.
Dii'Virjun: Attack!
Klingon Force: Rah!
Scotty and Sulu: Retreat!

Spock: I am detecting an alien lifeform aboard.
Kirk: Right. Of course. Knew it all along.
Computer: Lifeform is pure energy of an unknown type. Potentially kinetic.
Spock: Fascinating. Such a being seems capable of manipulating matter and mind.
McCoy: Screw your cockamamie, half-baked theories. I say we follow the wisdom of Hippocrates. Let's do 'em harm! Let's do 'em fraktons of harm!
Spock: Obviously this creature is capable of great precision to deal with such tiny materials.

Kang: (over the comm) Ha! We now control engineering and life support. Say goodbye to your precious "oxygen".
Kirk: Er, don't Klingons breath oxygen as well?
Kang: Nonsense! We can survive on pure élan!

Scotty: You traitorous Vulcan half-breed!
Kirk: You inebriated Scottish Stereotype!
Spock: Might I be allowed to say that I do not thoroughly enjoy the company of humans?
Kirk: Look at us! Look at me!
Spock: You're right, Captain. This alien influence is tearing us apart. We must locate this entity at once!
Kirk: Huh? Oh, no. I just wanted attention.

Mara: --mmppffFHH!
Kirk: No, Chekov. Don't! It's too awkward for this series to tackle an issue like rape!
(Kirk slaps Chekov)
Spock: Captain, it's no use. He's reverted to a primitive, aggressive state. He's even begun singing the ancient battle chant of his people.
Chekov: (singing) Hey hey we're the Monkees....

Spock: Captain, look -- the alien lifeform.
Kirk: (ahem) What is it you want with us?
Spock: I have a theory. If I may, Captain: I intend to burn all recipes for justice cake and use a Vulcan technique to wipe all knowledge of it from my mind.
Kirk: What? No! I'll KILL you!
Entity: wooooooOOOOP!
Spock: If you'll notice, Captain, your hostility caused the life force of this creature to increase. It appears it is using this situation to mine us for our aggressive emotions.
Kirk: Who cares? Cake!
Spock: Um, that was an experiment. I was joking.
Kirk: Haha, good one! You die now.

Captain's Log: I seem to have been asleep for several hours now. And I awoke with a strange craving for things that aren't justice cake.

Scotty: The dilithium crystals are deteriorating! The only option left is to kill that Klingon woman!
Spock: Using a threat to make peace with the Klingons would be a logical course of action.
Kirk: Wait. I missed something. Doesn't Spock usually need a catalyst for using logic to justify murder?
Spock: Oh, please. You don't even know what "catalyst" means.
Kirk: Sure I do.
(long, awkward pause)
Kirk: Okay, fine. Patch me through to Kang.

Kirk: Alright, Kang. Either we talk about love and peace or I murder your wife.
Kang: (over the comm) Do it. I grow weary of her zebra-esque eye shadow
Spock: It's no use, the alien has altered his mind. We'll have to beam you two to engineering.
Mara: You're not going to kill me?
Kirk: Nah, that isn't the Federation way. He's your husband -- he should be the one to do it.

Kang: Look! My beautiful zebra has brought us victory!
Kirk: Victory, eh? I've been looking into a name change....
Kang: Foolish human, did you really think your truce talk would work?
Mara: Hear his case, Kang! He speaks the truth!
Kirk: See that alien? It's influencing our minds.
Kang: That? That's just Stu'vor. He's real into Space Wicca.
Kirk: No, no. The one hovering over engineering.
Kang: That's Kil'goh. He just drank a red bull.
Kirk: The one without corporeal form blinking in Morse code, "Mwahaha suckers".
Kang: Oh, that one. Man, he really blends in, doesn't he?
Kirk: Ahem.
Kang: Fine, fine. A truce it is.

Kirk: Ahahahahaha!
McCoy: Ahahahahaha!
Kang: Ahahahahaha!
Entity: Ka-BOOM!
Sulu: Hooray! A tie! Heh.
Kang: I will kill you where you stand!
(Sulu runs off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 17, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, IJD GAF.