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Five-Minute "Miri"

by Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg

Helmsman: There is an automated distress signal coming from a planet nearby.
Spock: Analyses show it to be the Third Rock from the Sun.
Uhura: Where on Earth could we be?
Kirk: Hey-- another Earth, where the women haven't heard of me! Yes!

Kirk: We must assemble an away team. Spock, who do you reckon should go?
Spock: Analyses indicate bringing a few redshirts, the doctor and myself.
Kirk: Fine. Yeoman Rand, report to my ready room for a special debriefing.
Rand: Right, snookum-- er, Captain.

Kirk: What is it, Bones?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a mechanic, but this looks like a tricycle to me.
Frantic Being: Mine! MINE!
Kirk: What is it, Bones?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a-- oh, that? That's a seizure. He's dead, Jim.

Miri: Don't hurt me.
Kirk: Hurt you? Hey, that's not what's on my mind....
Miri: I remember what you old grups did.
Kirk: Old grumps? Surely a pretty girl like you isn't afraid of Dr McCoy here.
(McCoy glares at Kirk)

Kirk: What's your name?
Miri: Miri.
Kirk: Pretty name... for a pretty girl.
Miri: What's your name?
Kirk: Jim.
McCoy: Sissy name... for a sissy.
Kirk: What's that?
McCoy: Nothing.

Captain's Log: As always, all except Spock are coming out in a plague. And as always, we haven't a clue what it is. However, with Miri's help, we have found the medical lab.

Kirk: You're not sick, Spock. Why?
Spock: Apparently, being green-blooded has its advantages.
McCoy: You can keep your pointy ears any day.
Spock: Lack of bad temper is but one advantage.
McCoy: But the amount of talk more than makes up for it.

McCoy: Evidently, the plague strikes adolescents.
Spock: It's due to glandular changes in puberty, no doubt.
McCoy: Sort of like Pon Farr?
(Spock raises an eyebrow)

Rand: Why is Miri with us?
McCoy: She likes the Captain-- (mutters) Lord knows why.
Kirk: Miri has the hots for me? Heavy.
McCoy: Yes, you are.
Kirk: I heard that, you old geezer.

McCoy: If we were children, we would have an eternity to cure the disease.
Kirk: How so?
McCoy: These young ones could be 300 years old. The non-aging experiment worked on them.
Kirk: But they don't look their age, unlike you.
(McCoy glares at Kirk)

Spock: Enterprise, prepare to receive data.
Uhura: (over the comm) Data acknowledged. The answer is 42.
McCoy: Good. Now if we could only figure out the question... 47 minus 5?

Jahn: They're here, there and everywhere with their chatterboxes.
Adolescent: DIE! DIEDIEDIE--
Kirk: Not while I have a phaser in my hand.
Adolescent: GAK!

Spock: Miri has about six weeks to live. And I as a carrier can't return to the ship.
Kirk: What are the signs of illness?
McCoy: Blurred vision, slurred speech... but I'd personally prefer some of Scotty's brew for those effects.

Rand: Captain, look at my horrible legs.
Kirk: I'd rather not, but I wouldn't mind a gratuitous hug.

Kirk: Miri, where's Yeoman Rand?
Miri: Maybe Jahn took her away. I don't care.
Kirk: You're becoming a woman. Look at that spot. Soon you'll start to sag.
Miri: NOOOO!

Miri: Here are my friends. Tell'em we could die. Tell'em, Jim.
Jahn: Tell'em, Jim.
Children: Tell'em, Jim!
Child: I say he should get bonked! Bonk Bonk! Bonk Bonk!
Kirk: Not while you've got Yeoman Rand. Just listen....

McCoy: I have an antidote, I think.
Spock: You cannot dispense it. I am the senior officer, and I decide.
McCoy: How long do you suggest we wait?
Spock: Until the Captain comes back, or until you die; whichever comes
McCoy: Anything to escape your talk. *pssft*

Redshirt: Are we dead?
Spock: Negative.
Redshirt: Good. Is the doctor dead?
Spock: Also negative.
Redshirt: Is there something wrong with this episode? I have this gut feeling I shouldn't be alive.

Kirk: Well, we made it. But look at my shirt -- it's all torn.
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a seamstress.
Kirk: This from someone who's been dying to test the retro-needles on Spock.

Rand: Will the children be all right?
Kirk: I'm sure of it. McCoy cured them, and there are supervisors coming from a deep space station.
Rand: But what about you and Miri, Captain?
Kirk: You know I don't go for older women.
Spock: Captain, I have yet to see that stop you from going where no man has gone before.
(Kirk chases Spock around the Enterprise bridge at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 12, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Kristina Runyeon-Odeberg.