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Five-Minute "Dagger of the Mind"

by Sa'ar Chasm

Transporter Guy: Preparing to beam up cargo from Tantalus Colony... that's odd, it's not working.
Kirk: That's because their shield is still up. Honestly, I thought we were supposed to be smarter in the 23rd Century.
Tantalus Colony: (over the comm) Enterprise, please confirm receipt of research records bound for the Central Bureau of Penology.
Transporter Guy: Heheheh, she said pen--
Kirk: Crewman, if you finish that sentence, I'll have you on latrine detail for a year.

Transporter Guy: Okay, time to deal with this box according to standard Starfleet procedures: stand in the corner, like so, with my back to it, totally engrossed in my datapad and completely ignoring the man climbing out of it and sneaking up behi-- (CLONK!)
Van Gelder: I love Starfleet.

Tantalus Colony: Enterprise, we believe one of our inmates may have infiltrated your vessel by hiding in the crate we beamed up to you.
McCoy: You keep your inmates in crates? What kind of sadistic beasts are you?
Tantalus Colony: It's merely an exercise in removing their socially unproductive habits and promoting a great social conformity.
Kirk: Are you trying to say that crated minds think alike?

Van Gelder: Freeze! All of you! Take this ship to Cuba!
Kirk: I've never heard of that planet. What system is it in?
Van Gelder: Shut up! No more talking! Too much chatter and not enough silence make Simon something something...
McCoy: Go crazy?
Van Gelder: Don't mind if I do! Wheeeeeee!

Van Gelder: Pain! Pressure! Itchy dampness!
McCoy: Poor guy. Crazy as a loon.
Van Gelder: The Amish run the country! Jello contains mind-control rays! Soy Milk is people!
Kirk: Of course you realize that this means we'll have to go back and sort this out.
Van Gelder: I remembered it, and it was REAL!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It seems that our guest is not an inmate of the mental hospital, but its assistant director.
Kirk: I guess that explains the colony's motto...
McCoy: (sotto voce) Sickbay, stand by to receive the captain.
Kirk: "...you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it hel--" (THWACK!)
McCoy: (hefting mallet) Medical team to the bridge.

Adams: (over the comm) ...so if it's not too much trouble, I'd appreciate it if you could return Dr. van Gelder so he can get the help he needs.
Kirk: Of course. I'll have Dr. McCoy forward the results of our tests as soon as he's finished painting the hull.
Adams: ...Painting the hull?
Kirk: (rubbing cranium) Let's just say the doctor has some odd notions about how to get a head on this ship.

Kirk: Transporter room to bridge. Spock, where's Yeoman Rand?
Spock: (over the comm) Yeoman Rand is indisposed. Dr. McCoy says he's sending a... present.
Kirk: Present?
Helen Noel: Hello, Captain.
Kirk: Helloooooo, nurse. Spock, tell McCoy he's not off the hook yet, but I'll let him wear a spacesuit while he's out there.

Adams: Welcome to Tantalus, Captain.
Kirk: Thank you, Dr. Adams. Interesting decor you have here -- I've never seen so many bird's nests inside before.
Adams: Yes, we find that the soft cooing of the cuckoos has a relaxing effect on the patients.
Kirk: And the dog?
Adams: He's mine. I call him Spot. History shows that those in charge of isolated commands benefit from having a pet canine.

Adams: Captain, I'd like you to meet one of our former inmates, now a counsellor here. Lethe, this is Captain Kirk from the Enterprise.
Kirk: Hello, Lethe. A former inmate? What were you like before you came here?
Lethe: I forget.
Kirk: And what made you decide to become a counsellor?
Lethe: I forget.
Kirk: ...What's my name?
Lethe: I forget.

Van Gelder: No! Yes! Maybe!
McCoy: Indecisive, isn't he?
Van Gelder: Signs point to no! Ask again later! Results hazy at this time!
Spock: I wonder if he's about to reveal something vitally important.
Van Gelder: No! Not that! Not the neutral neuralizer!

Adams: This is my greatest creation: the neural neutralizer.
Kirk: How does it work?
Adams: We stand the patient in a pit of water up to his neck and tantalize him with things he wants. The unfulfulled desires teach him that he can't have everything, so he should relax and stop whining about it. It's remarkably effective.
Kirk: And this is what drove Dr. van Gelder insane?
Adams: The procedure was completely successful, even though the patient ended up a lunatic.

Spock: (over the comm) Captain, Dr. van Gelder's ravings suggest that remaining on the planet would be extremely foolish.
Kirk: Is that a dare, Spock? A double dog dare?
Spock: Logically, one could make that argument from a certain perspective...
Kirk: Oh yeah? Nobody double dog dares me and gets away with it. I'm staying, and that's final. Kirk out.
Spock: I will never understand humans.

Spock: It's called a "mind meld". It's an ancient Vulcan procedure. I expect you've never heard of it.
McCoy: Actually, it was mentioned in my History class at university when we studied the Syrranite Reb--
Spock: I said you've NEVER HEARD of it, Doctor.

Noel: Captain, I'm conflicted. I'm curious to learn more about Dr. Adam's device, but I dare not try and use it.
Kirk: Don't you worry, toots. I'm daring enough for both of us.
Noel: No, when I say "I dare", you don't have to actually do anyth--
Kirk: "I dare you"? That settles it. Let's go.
Noel: How did you ever make captain?

Spock: My mind to your mind... your crazy to my crazy...
McCoy: Find out anything useful?
Spock: A lot of sound and fury, but so far nothing of significance. Apparently Dr. Adams is fond of chili.

Adams: As you can see, Captain, the procedure is completely safe. Would you like to have a go?
Kirk: I'm not sure, it looks kinda dangerous...
Adams: Well, there is the slight possibility that it could be dangerous...
Kirk: That's serious. You'd better test it on me to make sure it won't harm anyone else.
Noel: That doesn't make any sense at all.
Kirk: Helen, the captain is talking to the nice man right now. Don't interrupt.

Adams: How are you feeling, Captain?
Kirk: Uncomfortable. Wet velour clings in places no fabric has gone before.
Adams: Excellent. I submit to you, Captain, that instead of a dashing starship captain, you are a belligerent, simple-minded juvenile halfwit, the butt of everyone's jokes.
Kirk: Oh yeah? We'll see who's the butt of whose joke, Doctor! I double dog dare you to say that again!
Adams: That's odd, it didn't work. He's exactly the same as before.

Noel: Captain, we have to get out of here.
Kirk: Yeah? You and what army?
Noel: Captain, I'm on your side.
Kirk: Oh yeah... you might try crawling through those ducts to the main control room and shutting off the shield that's preventing Spock from beaming down with a rescue party.
Noel: Any other advice, Mr. Exposition?
Kirk: Yeah, don't touch the orange clockwork.

Adams: Let's try this again. Instead of a bold, decisive starship captain, you are wracked with guilt and tormented by visions.
Kirk: Is this a dagger I see before me? Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hands?
Lethe: Dr. Adams! The woman has escaped!
Adams: Huh? What? What did you just say?
Lethe: Uh... I forget.
Adams: Imbecile!

Spock: (materializes in transporter beam) Dr. Noel, good work disabling the shield. Where is the Captain?
Noel: I think Dr. Adams may have put him back in the neural neu--
Kirk: (offscreen) Out! Out, damned Spot!
Noel: Never mind, I found him.

Noel: My God... Dr. Adams was left in the neural neutralizer by himself.
Spock: It appears he has been reduced to the lowest known form of intelligence.
Adams: For a limited time only! You not only get one bottle of MaxiClean-O-Glop, but two bottles of MaxiClean-O-Glop! But wait! There's more!
Noel: How horrible.

McCoy: Well, Spock, looks like I was right. Even in this enlightened day and age, we still run our prisons like sadistic hellholes.
Spock: I do not recall you ever making such an assertion. Do you, Captain?
Kirk: And now Birnam Wood comes toward Dunsinane!
McCoy: Y'know, I think I like him better this way.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 17, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Steven Maguire.