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Five-Minute "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home"


Captain: What is it?
Lieutenant: I dunno, some kinda probe shaped like a cylinder and a sphere. Like a giant baseball and bat.
Captain: And this bat and ball is headed straight for Earth, with almost inevitably hostile intentions?
Lieutenant: Yep.
Captain: Meh, what are the chances that this is another spectre of our past?

Klingon Ambassador: I demand Kirk be punished! I demand justice! I demand a character with a name!
Sarek: You called? Don't mess with Kirk, he's got a fan following bigger than you could possibly imagine.
Klingon Ambassador: Know this: there shall be no peace, as long as Kirk lives....
Sarek: I'd comment upon our peoples' future relations, but Klingons are funny when they're mad....

Captain's Log: We're about ready to embark on another cinematic adventure, so I figure it's now or never with the log thing.

Computer: What philosopher said "life is like a really bad Pon Farr?"
Spock: Dr. Pistov.
Computer: Correct. Who put the "bop" in the "bop-she-bop-she-bop?"
Spock: The same person who but the "ram" in the "ramma-ramma-ding-dong."
Computer: Correct. How do you feel?
Spock: Not a whole lot at this juncture.
Computer: Correct. In Star Wars: A New Hope Special Edition, why on Earth did George Lucas decide that Greedo had to fire first?
Spock: Er...uh...Maaaawww!

Probe: RazzaRazzaFrazza!
Assorted Starships: GAH!

Kirk: Okay everybody, ready to go home now?
Saavik: I'm not, I'll just be leaving after informing you of the coolness of your son.
Spock: I'm not, I'll just come along to make our last adventure seem worthwhile.
McCoy: I am, but only to tag along and annoy Spock.
Kirk: I am, but of course since I asked the question, I'm merely talking to myself at this point.

Probe: RazzaFrazzaFrazz!
Earth: GAH!

Sarek: If I were you, Mr. President, I'd submit a planet-wide distress call to inform our heroes of all this razzafrazza business.
President: A planet-wide distress call? We just did one of those 3 films ago!
Sarek: ...and we'll do another one 4 films from now -- get used to it.

Uhura: Admiral, receiving a transmission from Earth.
President: (on screen) This is a planet-wide distress call. We need to save Earth from the probe, but more importantly, we need to create a positive message for viewers and save the franchise with pop-culture trendiness. Any help would be appreciated, thanks.
Kirk: Spock, any suggestions?
Spock: I intuit that the probe's razzafrazzing is actually whale song when heard under water. By going back in time and saving two specimens at once, we can easily accomplish what the President requested.
Kirk: Good, make your calculations.
Spock: Already done during my time on Vulcan....hey, don't look at me. We studied intellect first, then logic.

Kirk: All right Mr. Sulu, now!
Sulu: Warp one, two, skip a few. Warp 9.9....

H.M.S. Bounty: !emit ni sdrawkcaB
LSD: Hey -- what else can you blame for this trippy little sequence?

Kirk: Where are we, Spock?
Spock: Why, 1986 of course.
Kirk: Why then? Why not a time when humpback whales weren't on the verge of extinction?
Spock: You seem to be forgetting the President's third request.

Scotty: Captain, the dilithium crystal light blinked on the dash. We better fill up soon!
Spock: Like a good little Vulcan, I'll point out the possibilities of nuclear power.
Kirk: So that makes three groups: one for the whales, one for the tank, and one for our power. Great, that means more ensemble, less me....

Spock: You can't sell McCoy's birthday present!
Kirk: Hey, I'll just get it again in the future, after McCoy has re-acquired it from the past, which is currently our future.
Spock: Your logic is unbelievably --
Antique Dealer: I'll give you 100 dollars.
Spock: On second thought, I like your thinking....

Chekov: Could you direct us to the nuclear vessels in Alameda?
Pedestrian: Sure, just take a cab going that way.
Chekov: Thanks. Funny she wasn't put off by my unusual accent, no?
Uhura: We don't do that textually, remember?
Chekov: Not wery well, no.

Boombox: Then later on...on the drive home....
Kirk: Spock, could you do something about that ear-blasting music?
Spock: I called her mom...from a pay phone....
Kirk: Sigh.

Gillian: Welcome to the Cetacean Institute, I guide. Questions?
Idiot: Do whales eat people?
Gillian: Why don't you go take a swim and find out?
Spock: Mind if I take you up on that?
Gillian: I know I've got a pool net around her somewhere....
Kirk: I assure you, that won't be necessary.
Gillian: Oh yeah? Listen, buster--
Kirk: ...I always keep one on me in case he does something like this.

Chekov: Captain, we found the Enterprise, and will steal stuff from it tonight.
Kirk: (over the comm) Enough with the losing things one movie and finding them the next!
Chekov: No, sir -- this Enterprise is a nuclear vessel.
Kirk: A what?

Gillian: Hey, want a ride?
Spock: That depends. Do you like LSD?
Kirk: You'll have to excuse him, in the 60s he did a little too much Italian.

Scotty: If I give you the formula for transparent aluminum, what will you give me in return?
Manager: A blank stare.
Scotty: I see... And if I gave you the winning stocks for the next decade?
Manager: Why, I'd give you enough plexiglas to...to...to make a whale tank!
Scotty: That's the ticket....

Kirk: So....
Gillian: So....
Kirk: ...You know, I'm from the 23rd century, and I need those whales to repopulate the species in my time.
Gillian: Wow, small world.
Kirk: What, you mean you're from the 23rd century too?
Gillian: No, I mean that I'm delusional about the whales too.

Chekov: There, we have the protons.
Uhura: Great... Uhura to Scotty, beam me up.
(Uhura dematerializes)
Chekov: Okay Scotty, now beam me up.
Scotty: (over the comm) I can barely hear you! Try ennunciating.
Soldiers: FREEZE!
Chekov: Sigh.

Security Guy: So, Pavel...can I call you that? Anyway, tell me what you were doing in our engine room.
Chekov: I was stealing technology for the Soviet Union.
Security Guy: I knew it!
Chekov: I kid...hey look, it's Kruschev!
Security Guy: Wha...? Wait a minute, get back here!
Chekov: Nope, I shall make my escape by plunging into this....
Chekov: ...asphalt.

Kirk: So where's Chekov?
Uhura: I...uh....
Kirk: And when will we be able to fly again?
Scotty: Er...uh....
McCoy: Hey, weren't you supposed to use your charm to get those whales from that chick at the Cetacean Institute?
Kirk: I...er....

Gillian: Where are the whales?
Boss Guy: They died, and we sold the corpses to whalers. Hey, kidding...kidding... Actually, we--
Boss Guy: I deserved that.

Scotty: This is the way we build whale tanks, build whale tanks, build whale tanks. This is the way we build whale tanks so early in the morning. This is the way we--
Scotty: Aw, shoot. Jiiiim....
(Gillian is beamed aboard)
Gillian: What? Where am I? Mental overload, AARRGGH!
Uhura: (over the comm) I found Chekov, he's gonna die!
Kirk: No he's not, you actually believe that?
Gillian: I am SO CONFUSED!
Uhura: Of course not, which is why we have a rescue to attempt.
Kirk: Right...you're coming with us Gil.
Gillian: What? What's gooooing ooonnn??
Kirk: Eh, you'll catch on.

Kirk: Here, all you have to do is look like you belong in a hospital and lay on this stretcher.
Gillian: AAGH! Too much new information to process!
Kirk: Good, good...hey guards, let us in.
Guards: Uh...okay.
Doctor: You know, this boring job could use some action....
Uhura: (over the comm) Into the closet, Mr. Adventure!
Doctor: That's Doctor Adventure to you!
Kirk: C'mon Pav.

Gillian: Hey, that's a whaling ship!
Kirk: Nice to see you got with the picture. Sulu?
Sulu: I'm on it. locking phasers on target; prepare to de-cloak.
Kirk: You know, I'm thinking the de-cloaking part will be quite sufficient.
Sulu: Suit yourself.

H.M.S. Bounty: Yoo hoo!
Whaling Ship: GAH!

(George and Gracie are beamed aboard)
George and Gracie: What? Where are we? Mental overload, AARRGGH!
Scotty: Crap.

!won ,uluS .rM thgirlA :kriK
....9.9 praW  .wef a piks ,owt ,eno praW :uluS

Forwards in time! :ytnuoB .S.M.H
....ecneuqes siht em oN :DSL

Kirk: Hoo boy. Did we make it?
Probe: RazzaFrazza!
H.M.S. Bounty: GAH!
Kirk: I take that as a yes....

Scotty: You have to do something to free the trapped whales!
Kirk: Like this? (SPLASH! CLUNK!)
Scotty: Yeah, like that!

Probe: RazzFrazza!
George and Gracie: Take your ball and go home already.
Probe: Wimper.
Mankind: Yay!

President: Riiight, so its trial time. Captain Kirk, your punishment is a starship command.
Kirk: That works.

Gillian: Hey, congratulations!
Kirk: Nice to see you back to normal....
Gillian: Where am I? When am I? ARRGGH!
Kirk: ...or not.

Sarek: Um...good job, son. Do you have a message for your mother?
Spock: Yes. Tell her...that George Lucas is just a crazy, crazy man.
Sarek: Oookay....

Kirk: Enterprise-A?? What's up with that?
Spock: An explanation for the forthcoming second series' Enterprise-D, of course.
Kirk: Ha, another series? Don't be silly, no captain has the hair for the job I do.
Spock: Quite correct Jim, quite correct.
(The Enterprise-A warps off at ludicrous speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 24, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.