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Five-Minute "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier"


Sybok: Look at the monkey. See the cute li'l monkey?
Bald Minion: I am forever yours, master. What is thy bidding?
Sybok: For now, just listen while I laugh maniacally. Mwahahahahahaha!

Spock: Check out my hell-a-cool rocket boots.
Kirk: Can't you see I'm trying to free-climb El Capitan? Besides, why would you ever need those except as a plot device in case I fellllllllllllllll....
Spock: My thoughts exactly.

Terran: So you're the new Romulan Amb--hey! I had a name in the movie, why don't I here?
Romulan: I don't know...wait, I don't have one either.
General Korrd: Do I? Whoa, I do. Maybe that's because you two aren't important to the plot like I am. Ha!
Sybok: You will all fall to the Galactic Army of Light!
Terran: What kind of stupid name is that?
Sybok: Look at the cute monkey.
Terran, Romulan, and Korrd: We are forever Soldiers of Light!

Uhura: So what should we call it, U/S or S/U?
Scotty: Neither, it's just plain wrong.
Starfleet: Ewww...get a room, you two. But only after a small side quest in search of God.
Uhura: You mean like Raiders of the Lost Arc?
Starfleet: Aside from setting, characters, and the plot itself...no.

Sulu: We're lost. Help, Uhura.
Uhura: Sigh. Just like a man, not stopping for directions.
Sulu: But there's nobody around for miles..
Uhura: Sigh. Just like a man, belittling women.

McCoy: Time to eat beans and sing songs.
Spock: Beans, beans. Good for the heart. The more you-
Kirk: I don't like that song.
McCoy: Shut up, you. You almost died today.
Kirk: No I didn't. I plan to die alone.
Spock: You won't. You'll die with Pic--
Kirk: I also plan to be surprised.

Klaa: Behold my probe-shooting skills.
Dar: Aren't you a member of Motley Crue ?
Klaa: sniff. No, I can't even be the main bad guy of a Trek flim.
Dar: You could always go for annoying.
Klaa: Great idea! Qapla'!

Scotty: So, essentially, we got a defective Enterprise.
Kirk: Well, at least we might get some humor from it, or at the very least a plot device....

Admiral: Your mission is to stop a cult led by a crazy Vulcan.
Kirk: But our ship's broke.
Admiral: Tough.

Kirk: So you know this cult leader guy?
Spock: Yeah, and he's crraaaaaazzzyy!
Kirk: But not your brother, right?
Spock: Right.

Sybok: And I'm speaking with...?
Chekov: Captain Chekov, of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Sybok: You're no Captain -- I never forget a face.
Chekov: You seem to be confusing yourself with a far better villain.

Kirk: Ready our diversion!
Spock: Umm...we left the hot college strippers on the ship. But we did bring Uhura..
Kirk: Er, well...I guess that'll have to do.

Federation Officers: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Sybok's Minions: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--okay, you win.
Kirk: Aha! Now to rescue the hostages.
Romulan: I thought we established this early in the fiver. We're bad guys now.
Kirk: Crappit.

Sybok: Yo, bro--
Spock: Shh, we're saving that for later.
Sybok: Oh. Join my crusade then?
Spock: No.
Sybok: Oh well, just hand me the keys, Captain.

Chekov: (over the comm)....so that's why you can't come up.
Sybok: But I wanna!
Kirk: Initiate plan B, as in Big Action Sequence!
Sulu: Here we go....

Klaa: Bwah! I'll get you next time, Captain Kirk!
Dar: You're confusing yourself with Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.

Sybok: Gimme the gun!
Kirk: Gimme the gun!
Spock: Gimme the -- woah, thanks.
Sybok: Shoot me.
Spock: No.
Sybok: Okay. Then look at the monkey.
Spock: Again, no.

Spock: Sybok's my brother.
Kirk: Sybok and Spock? Wow, what original parents.

Sybok: Attention, crew: look at the cute monkey.
Bridge Crew: We shall serve and obey you, master.
Sybok: Good. Now we're going to go and find God at the center of the galaxy.
Chekov: It only takes one movie to get to the center of the galaxy? No wonder they never gave Voyager a movie.

Scotty: I have a deep loathing of cute monkeys, so I'm breaking you out of jail.
Kirk: I'd pay good money to see you actually say that on screen.

Spock: Oh boy! A chance to use my rocket boots again!
Sybok: Not if I can help it.
Kirk: You can't. At least not until we get a message out to the Klingons.

Uhura: I love you, Scotty!
Scotty: Thats just the monkey talking for you.
Uhura: Why can't you have lines like that in the actual movie?

Kirk: So how do you control minds, anyway?
Sybok: I don't control minds. I just show people cute monkeys.
McCoy: You do realize that this whole monkey business is eliminating character flashbacks dealing with important issues of euthanasia and acceptance, right?
Sybok: The monkey. Just look at the monkey.
Kirk: That's stupid.
Spock: I don't need your monkey trickery.
McCoy: But...but...it's just so cute...sigh. Stupid monkey.
Sybok: Losers. I don't need you to cross the barrier anyway.

Great Barrier: None shall pass!
Sybok: God sent me.
Great Barrier: Well in that case, be my guest.
Sybok: Okay. Ship's yours, Kirk.
Kirk: 'Kay, let's go find God now.

Spock: I'm no longer piloting the shuttle.
Kirk: So you'd say that God is your copilot?

Kirk: Ooh, look. This must be God's amphitheatre.
God: 'Sup people, I'm God.
Sybok: Look at the monkey. What a cute monkey!
McCoy: He really has a one-track mind, doesn't he?
God: You know, I don't get out much. Mind if I bum a ride?
Kirk: Yes. Sick 'em, monkey boy! Enterprise, fire at God!
Chekov: 'Kay.
Kirk: Scotty, beam up McCoy and Spock. I must face God alone.

Klaa: I'm Captain Klaa! Gimme Kirk.
Spock: From Inspector Gadget? So that's your face.
Klaa: No, not Dr. Claw, Captain Klaa. Where's Kirk?
Spock: He's kinda busy killing God right now.

Kirk: So the Klingons killed God and took me captive?
Spock: Yes. And for $4.00 and a pack of Wrigleys, Klaa agreed to apologize.
Klaa: I sawwy.
Kirk: Wonderful.

Kirk: What's up with you two?
Spock: We were just wondering what happens now if that actually was God.
Kirk: If that was God, then I guess we're really really screwed now.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, IJD GAF.