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Five-Minute "Star Trek III: The Search for Spock"

by PointyHairedJedi

[flashback to Star Trek II]

Spock: ...GAK!
Kirk: Dang.

Kirk: At least Spock died for something worthwhile.
McCoy: The Genesis Planet?
Kirk: The sequel!

[present]

Captain's Log: This really sucks!

Valkris: I’ve got the Genesis data.
Kruge: (over the comm) And the donuts?
Valkris: Ermm... no.
Kruge: I’ll have to blow you up then.
Valkris: Sucks to be me.

Bird of Prey: KAPOW!
Freighter: (boom)
Bird of Prey: That was it? What happened to all the flashy explosions?
Smoking Man: That’s being saved for later....

Spacedock Control: You are cleared to dock.
Kirk: Hey! The Excelsior is in our parking space!
Scotty: Huh. Transwarp -- it’ll never work.
Kirk: Why not?
Scotty: We’ve got to save something cool-sounding for the Borg.

Morrow: We’re not going to refit the Enterprise, so Scotty’s been conveniently assigned to work on the Excelsior.
Scotty: This sucks!
Morrow: And the Genesis planet is strictly off-limits.
Kirk: This sucks even more!

Kruge: So what do you think?
Klingon #1: Neato! I want one!
Kruge: (to Klingon #2) Just between you and me, we’re going to infiltrate Starfleet Headquarters disguised as cleaners to steal the secret of Genesis.
Klingon #2: Wouldn’t it be easier just to go to Genesis itself?
Kruge: Either’s good.

Saavik: We’re detecting Spock’s coffin. And a lifeform next to it.
Esteban: But you said there wouldn’t be any.
Marcus: I’m a doctor, not a scriptwriter!
Saavik: Errrm... it’s Kirk you’re supposed to be like, remember?

Sarek:...so I’ve got to do a mind meld to see if Spock downloaded his katra to you.
Kirk: Fine! Anything to make you stop spouting Vulcan jargon!
Sarek: Processing... Please wait while your brain is being optimised... Shoot. It’s not there.
Kirk: Hang on... I’ve just remembered the doctor.
Sarek: Took you long enough.

Kirk: Are you sure we can’t go?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Please?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Pretty pretty please?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Meanie. I’m going to go anyway.

Waitress: Whats up, doc?
McCoy: Your corniness is illogical.
Alien: Doctor McCoy, presume I.
McCoy: This just keeps getting better and better. And what’s with the Yoda impression? Anyhow, I need to get to Genesis.
Alien: Fat chance.
Federation Security Agent: Did someone say Genesis?
McCoy: Look over there! Aha! Neck pinch!
Agent: You really need to stick to decaf.

Kirk: I have to see Bones.
Guard: Okay. By the way, is it just me or can anyone else hear the theme from The Great Escape?
Kirk: Errrr...you must have tinnitis. (punches guard) Come on Bones, we’re busting you out. Here -- have an aspirin.
McCoy: Couldn’t you have just beamed me out?
Kirk: Yes, but this way I get to hit someone.

Mister Adventure: I wish something interesting would happen.
Uhura: You walked right into that one, didn’t you? Now get in the closet.
Mister Adventure: This isn’t half as embarrassing as coming out of it is going to be.

Kirk: None of you have to come with me.
Scotty: Yes we do -- it’s in our contracts.
La Forge: Hey, wait -- what am I doing here?
Chekov: Right scene, wrong film.

Sulu: Thirty seconds to spacedoors.
Kirk: Umm... Scotty, you might want to open the spacedoors sometime soon... why are you looking at your watch?
Scotty: Ten seconds till JITNOT... there.
(Spacedoors open)
Kirk: Phew. Just out of interest, what the heck is JITNOT?
Scotty: Just In The Nick Of Time, of course!
McCoy: Won’t the Excelsior catch us?
Scotty: Nope -- I upgraded its transwarp computer to Windows XP.

Captain Smug: Go to transwarp!
Generic Ensign: Aye, sir.
(Clankety-clankety-clankety-clunk)
Generic Ensign: ’Kay. I think it’s broken.
Captain Smug: Try Ctrl-Alt-Del.

Saavik: (over the comm) We’ve found the second life form. Dr Marcus thinks it might be a regenerated Spock.
Esteban: Yeah, right. That’s about as likely as C/7... oh, wait. I’ll send a message to Starfleet Command.
Generic Ensign: Captain, the signal’s being blocked by a power surge of some sort.
Esteban: (looking at screen) What the heck is that? Klingons? Oh cra--
(KABOOM!)

Klingon Gunner: Oops.
Kruge: You idiot! As punishment you have to clean out Tiddles’ litter tray for a month!
Klingon Gunner: NOOOOOO! Anything but that!

Saavik: Genesis has not turned out quite like you had hoped, has it?
Marcus: You know how it is -- things always look better on the box.
Saavik: The planet’s aging in surges... and Spock with it.
Marcus: Of course. He has to get old enough by the end of the film somehow.

Klingon #1: You know, those worm things are really nice on toast.
Klingon #2: Ewwwww... is that Marmite? I know we’re Klingons, but that’s pushing it a bit far.
Klingon #1: Look -- another Federation ship approaches. Engage the cloaking device!
Klingon #2: Hey! I wanted to say that!

Saavik: The Genesis project is a failure -- the planet will destroy itself in hours.
Kruge: A failure? It’s the most powerful destructive force ever created -- apart from Barney, that is. You will tell me the secret of the Genesis torpedo!
Saavik: Umm... pass?
Kruge: Then I hope you enjoy county & western... I mean pain.
Generic Klingon: (over the comm) Sir, there’s another ship approaching.
Kruge: Beam me up, Klang... nah, it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Chekov: Nope, I can’t see anything... apart from that sparkly bit there.
Kirk: Yes, strange. It seems almost Bird-of-Prey-shaped....
Sulu: I think it’s a cloaked ship.
Kirk: You know I’m glad we have you around, Sulu -- I don’t think anyone else could have figured that out.

Kruge: Prepare to decloak and fire at my command... and try not to blow this one up, okay?

Sulu: It’s a Bird of Prey!
Kirk: The words "blindingly" and "obvious" come to mind. Commence fragging, Scotty.
Scotty: Twenty seconds till TWPM.
Kirk: What?
Scotty: It’s the opposite of JITNOT -- The Worst Possible Moment.

Kruge: They killed Tiddles! That’s not fair!
Generic Klingon: Yay! Um, I mean, that’s too bad.

Scotty: 3... 2... 1. There.
Kirk: Raise shields!
Scotty: We can’t -- the automation system has overloaded. Like I said, TWPM.
Kirk: For heavens’ sake! All we did was fire two torpedoes!
Scotty: What can you expect? We’ve only got a 386.

Sulu: Admiral, we’ve been hit!
Kirk: Stop doing that already!
Scotty: The automation centre’s been knocked out.
Kirk: We’re a sitting duck!
Sulu: Now who’s stating the obvious?

Kirk: You presence here is a violation of the treaty and an act of war!
Kruge: (over the comm) Stuff the treaty! You killed Tiddles! Surrender or I’ll kill the prisoners -- talk to them if you don’t believe me.
Saavik: (over the comm) Admiral, this is Saavik. David is with me... and a Vulcan scientist of your acquaintance.
Sulu: She must mean Spo --
Kirk: Don’t you dare.
Kruge: To show you that I’m sincere, I will kill one of the prisoners.

Marcus: A Celine Dion album! NOOOOOOO -- GAK!

Kirk: (over the comm) You Klingon son! You killed my bastard!
Kruge: I’ll kill the other two if you don’t surrender.
Kirk: All right -- I suppose we needed a plot device for Star Trek VI anyway.
Kruge: (to Generic Klingon) Get everybody armed and form a boarding party -- we’ll find those Death Star schematics if I have to tear the ship apart myself!
Generic Klingon: I think you’re getting Wars and Trek mixed up again... (clutches at throat) Ack! Point taken.

Kirk: I’m afraid we’re going to have to blow up the ship.
Sulu: But there’s only a dozen of them -- why can’t we just zap them as they materialize?
Kirk: Three reasons. One, because it makes for a more dramatic scene. Two, because we’re using the Bird of Prey in the next film. And three, because ILM is doing the special effects and, let’s face it, it’s the only way George Lucas is ever going to get to blow up the Enterprise.

Klingon #1: Where is everybody?
Klingon #2: Duh -- they’ve left already. By the way, does anyone know what ‘Self Destruct’ means?

Enterprise: KERBOOM!
Kirk: Bummer.
George Lucas: Heh heh heh.

Kirk: (over the comm) Sorry about the whole exploding-ship thing. It was an accident -- honest.
(Kruge beams down)
Kruge: (to his ship) Beam all of them to the ship except Kirk and the Vulcan kid. Now Kirk, tell me the secret of the Genesis device!
Kirk: Are you kidding me? We haven’t even had our requisite fight sequence yet!

Kruge: If I’m gonna fall, I’m taking you with me!
Kirk: Yeah, right. Like that’s going to happen when there’s three more films to go.

Genesis: I’m melting, melllllting....
Bird of Prey: Huh -- not a patch on Alderaan.

High Priestess: So -- what’ll it be? Motherboard replacement? Processor upgrade?
Sarek: Nah, just a file transfer.
High Priestess: Tricky. Does McCoy consent to this?
McCoy: Duh! Do you think I came all this way for the scenery?
(gong)
High Priestess: Your request is being processed... please wait... file transfer commencing....

Kirk: Will Spock be okay?
Sarek: Possibly. Only time will tell.
Spock: Hang on a tick... I remember you lot from somewhere....
Kirk: I’ll bet you remember your fee too.

Chekov: So what now?
McCoy: We’re stuck on a planet full of Vulcans....
Kirk: Isn’t this going to be fun.
(Credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on June 11, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, PointyHairedJedi.