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Five-Minute "Star Trek III: The Search for Spock"

by PointyHairedJedi

[flashback to Star Trek II]

Spock: ...GAK!
Kirk: Dang.

Kirk: At least Spock died for something worthwhile.
McCoy: The Genesis Planet?
Kirk: The sequel!

[present]

Captain's Log: This really sucks!

Valkris: Iíve got the Genesis data.
Kruge: (over the comm) And the donuts?
Valkris: Ermm... no.
Kruge: Iíll have to blow you up then.
Valkris: Sucks to be me.

Bird of Prey: KAPOW!
Freighter: (boom)
Bird of Prey: That was it? What happened to all the flashy explosions?
Smoking Man: Thatís being saved for later....

Spacedock Control: You are cleared to dock.
Kirk: Hey! The Excelsior is in our parking space!
Scotty: Huh. Transwarp -- itíll never work.
Kirk: Why not?
Scotty: Weíve got to save something cool-sounding for the Borg.

Morrow: Weíre not going to refit the Enterprise, so Scottyís been conveniently assigned to work on the Excelsior.
Scotty: This sucks!
Morrow: And the Genesis planet is strictly off-limits.
Kirk: This sucks even more!

Kruge: So what do you think?
Klingon #1: Neato! I want one!
Kruge: (to Klingon #2) Just between you and me, weíre going to infiltrate Starfleet Headquarters disguised as cleaners to steal the secret of Genesis.
Klingon #2: Wouldnít it be easier just to go to Genesis itself?
Kruge: Eitherís good.

Saavik: Weíre detecting Spockís coffin. And a lifeform next to it.
Esteban: But you said there wouldnít be any.
Marcus: Iím a doctor, not a scriptwriter!
Saavik: Errrm... itís Kirk youíre supposed to be like, remember?

Sarek:...so Iíve got to do a mind meld to see if Spock downloaded his katra to you.
Kirk: Fine! Anything to make you stop spouting Vulcan jargon!
Sarek: Processing... Please wait while your brain is being optimised... Shoot. Itís not there.
Kirk: Hang on... Iíve just remembered the doctor.
Sarek: Took you long enough.

Kirk: Are you sure we canít go?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Please?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Pretty pretty please?
Morrow: No.
Kirk: Meanie. Iím going to go anyway.

Waitress: Whats up, doc?
McCoy: Your corniness is illogical.
Alien: Doctor McCoy, presume I.
McCoy: This just keeps getting better and better. And whatís with the Yoda impression? Anyhow, I need to get to Genesis.
Alien: Fat chance.
Federation Security Agent: Did someone say Genesis?
McCoy: Look over there! Aha! Neck pinch!
Agent: You really need to stick to decaf.

Kirk: I have to see Bones.
Guard: Okay. By the way, is it just me or can anyone else hear the theme from The Great Escape?
Kirk: Errrr...you must have tinnitis. (punches guard) Come on Bones, weíre busting you out. Here -- have an aspirin.
McCoy: Couldnít you have just beamed me out?
Kirk: Yes, but this way I get to hit someone.

Mister Adventure: I wish something interesting would happen.
Uhura: You walked right into that one, didnít you? Now get in the closet.
Mister Adventure: This isnít half as embarrassing as coming out of it is going to be.

Kirk: None of you have to come with me.
Scotty: Yes we do -- itís in our contracts.
La Forge: Hey, wait -- what am I doing here?
Chekov: Right scene, wrong film.

Sulu: Thirty seconds to spacedoors.
Kirk: Umm... Scotty, you might want to open the spacedoors sometime soon... why are you looking at your watch?
Scotty: Ten seconds till JITNOT... there.
(Spacedoors open)
Kirk: Phew. Just out of interest, what the heck is JITNOT?
Scotty: Just In The Nick Of Time, of course!
McCoy: Wonít the Excelsior catch us?
Scotty: Nope -- I upgraded its transwarp computer to Windows XP.

Captain Smug: Go to transwarp!
Generic Ensign: Aye, sir.
(Clankety-clankety-clankety-clunk)
Generic Ensign: íKay. I think itís broken.
Captain Smug: Try Ctrl-Alt-Del.

Saavik: (over the comm) Weíve found the second life form. Dr Marcus thinks it might be a regenerated Spock.
Esteban: Yeah, right. Thatís about as likely as C/7... oh, wait. Iíll send a message to Starfleet Command.
Generic Ensign: Captain, the signalís being blocked by a power surge of some sort.
Esteban: (looking at screen) What the heck is that? Klingons? Oh cra--
(KABOOM!)

Klingon Gunner: Oops.
Kruge: You idiot! As punishment you have to clean out Tiddlesí litter tray for a month!
Klingon Gunner: NOOOOOO! Anything but that!

Saavik: Genesis has not turned out quite like you had hoped, has it?
Marcus: You know how it is -- things always look better on the box.
Saavik: The planetís aging in surges... and Spock with it.
Marcus: Of course. He has to get old enough by the end of the film somehow.

Klingon #1: You know, those worm things are really nice on toast.
Klingon #2: Ewwwww... is that Marmite? I know weíre Klingons, but thatís pushing it a bit far.
Klingon #1: Look -- another Federation ship approaches. Engage the cloaking device!
Klingon #2: Hey! I wanted to say that!

Saavik: The Genesis project is a failure -- the planet will destroy itself in hours.
Kruge: A failure? Itís the most powerful destructive force ever created -- apart from Barney, that is. You will tell me the secret of the Genesis torpedo!
Saavik: Umm... pass?
Kruge: Then I hope you enjoy county & western... I mean pain.
Generic Klingon: (over the comm) Sir, thereís another ship approaching.
Kruge: Beam me up, Klang... nah, it just doesnít have the same ring to it.

Chekov: Nope, I canít see anything... apart from that sparkly bit there.
Kirk: Yes, strange. It seems almost Bird-of-Prey-shaped....
Sulu: I think itís a cloaked ship.
Kirk: You know Iím glad we have you around, Sulu -- I donít think anyone else could have figured that out.

Kruge: Prepare to decloak and fire at my command... and try not to blow this one up, okay?

Sulu: Itís a Bird of Prey!
Kirk: The words "blindingly" and "obvious" come to mind. Commence fragging, Scotty.
Scotty: Twenty seconds till TWPM.
Kirk: What?
Scotty: Itís the opposite of JITNOT -- The Worst Possible Moment.

Kruge: They killed Tiddles! Thatís not fair!
Generic Klingon: Yay! Um, I mean, thatís too bad.

Scotty: 3... 2... 1. There.
Kirk: Raise shields!
Scotty: We canít -- the automation system has overloaded. Like I said, TWPM.
Kirk: For heavensí sake! All we did was fire two torpedoes!
Scotty: What can you expect? Weíve only got a 386.

Sulu: Admiral, weíve been hit!
Kirk: Stop doing that already!
Scotty: The automation centreís been knocked out.
Kirk: Weíre a sitting duck!
Sulu: Now whoís stating the obvious?

Kirk: You presence here is a violation of the treaty and an act of war!
Kruge: (over the comm) Stuff the treaty! You killed Tiddles! Surrender or Iíll kill the prisoners -- talk to them if you donít believe me.
Saavik: (over the comm) Admiral, this is Saavik. David is with me... and a Vulcan scientist of your acquaintance.
Sulu: She must mean Spo --
Kirk: Donít you dare.
Kruge: To show you that Iím sincere, I will kill one of the prisoners.

Marcus: A Celine Dion album! NOOOOOOO -- GAK!

Kirk: (over the comm) You Klingon son! You killed my bastard!
Kruge: Iíll kill the other two if you donít surrender.
Kirk: All right -- I suppose we needed a plot device for Star Trek VI anyway.
Kruge: (to Generic Klingon) Get everybody armed and form a boarding party -- weíll find those Death Star schematics if I have to tear the ship apart myself!
Generic Klingon: I think youíre getting Wars and Trek mixed up again... (clutches at throat) Ack! Point taken.

Kirk: Iím afraid weíre going to have to blow up the ship.
Sulu: But thereís only a dozen of them -- why canít we just zap them as they materialize?
Kirk: Three reasons. One, because it makes for a more dramatic scene. Two, because weíre using the Bird of Prey in the next film. And three, because ILM is doing the special effects and, letís face it, itís the only way George Lucas is ever going to get to blow up the Enterprise.

Klingon #1: Where is everybody?
Klingon #2: Duh -- theyíve left already. By the way, does anyone know what ĎSelf Destructí means?

Enterprise: KERBOOM!
Kirk: Bummer.
George Lucas: Heh heh heh.

Kirk: (over the comm) Sorry about the whole exploding-ship thing. It was an accident -- honest.
(Kruge beams down)
Kruge: (to his ship) Beam all of them to the ship except Kirk and the Vulcan kid. Now Kirk, tell me the secret of the Genesis device!
Kirk: Are you kidding me? We havenít even had our requisite fight sequence yet!

Kruge: If Iím gonna fall, Iím taking you with me!
Kirk: Yeah, right. Like thatís going to happen when thereís three more films to go.

Genesis: Iím melting, melllllting....
Bird of Prey: Huh -- not a patch on Alderaan.

High Priestess: So -- whatíll it be? Motherboard replacement? Processor upgrade?
Sarek: Nah, just a file transfer.
High Priestess: Tricky. Does McCoy consent to this?
McCoy: Duh! Do you think I came all this way for the scenery?
(gong)
High Priestess: Your request is being processed... please wait... file transfer commencing....

Kirk: Will Spock be okay?
Sarek: Possibly. Only time will tell.
Spock: Hang on a tick... I remember you lot from somewhere....
Kirk: Iíll bet you remember your fee too.

Chekov: So what now?
McCoy: Weíre stuck on a planet full of Vulcans....
Kirk: Isnít this going to be fun.
(Credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Next fiver: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

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This fiver was originally published on June 11, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, PointyHairedJedi.