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Five-Minute "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan"

by FatMatDuhRat

Saavik: Being in charge of the Enterprise sure is easy.
Uhura: I'm detecting a ship in trouble -- the Kobayashi Maru.
Sulu: It's trapped inside the Neutral Zone.
Saavik: Logic says we go in there and save them.
Spock: No it doesn't.
Saavik: Quiet, you!

Uhura: Oh no! I've lost the signal --
Sulu: -- and three Klingon ships have just appeared!
Saavik: Aren't Romulans always in the Neutral Zone?
Spock: Well, actually --
Saavik: Uh oh....

Kirk: Okay, I've seen enough. End the simulation.
Saavik: WAH! No fair!
Kirk: Stop crying, you're acting like a baby.
Saavik: Look who's talking.

Spock: Happy birthday, Admiral. Here's a really old book.
Kirk: Uh... thanks.
Spock: I want you to read it and be reminded about how much certain things age.
Kirk: Sure... right. Wait a minute -- aren't you older than me?
Spock: Er, I think I hear the Enterprise calling me. Gotta go.

McCoy: Hey there, Jim! Feeling old, lonely and depressed?
Kirk: Yes. And now that you're here, I feel even more so.
McCoy: But I've brought some illegal blue-colored alcohol.
Kirk: You shouldn't have. Got any Prozac instead?

Chekov: Being the first officer on board the Reliant sure is easy.
Terrell: Yup. It reminds me of Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.
Chekov: Er... right. Let's just go to Ceti Alpha VI and check for any lifesigns, okay?
Terrell: Okay. (whispers) Temba, his arms wide.
Chekov: Stop that!

Dr. Marcus: Let's talk about Genesis.
David: I'd rather talk about my dad.
Dr. Marcus: Who?

Terrel: Check it out -- this seat belt buckle says Botany Bay.
Chekov: Oh no! We've got to get out of here!
Terrel: Shaka... when the walls fell!
Chekov: Shut up and run you idiot!

Strange Man: Mmmmph! Bmmm, phmmmrr. Mmmm, bleh.
Terrell: Could you say that again with the mask off this time?
Khan: Certainly.
Chekov: GASP! Khan!
Khan: That's my name, don't wear it out! Nice to see you again, Pavel.
Chekov: But we've never met before.
Khan: True, but I saw your picture on the wall in Yeoman Rand's bedroom.
Chekov: Really?
Khan: No! Damn, you're gullible. Now hold still while I drop these slimy little eels into your ears.
Terrel and Chekov: Wha--? ARRRGH!

Spock: Hello again, old friend.
Kirk: Stop that "old" stuff right now. Say, this engine room looks great! You've even got a brand new radiation chamber.
Scotty: Aye! And this brand new redshirt right over here is my kin.
Kirk: Really?
Peter Preston: Aye!
Spock: Fascinating.
Kirk: Shut up, all of you! Just launch the ship already!

Dr. Marcus: What do you want now, Chekov?
Chekov: (on screen) Good news! (twitch) That Ceti Alpha planet was okay, so we're coming to pick up the Genesis device.
Dr. Marcus: WHAT? Under whose orders is this being done?
Chekov: Er... Admiral Kirk. (twitch) Who else?

Saavik: Admiral, there is something I need to ask you about.
Kirk: Look -- anything that Rand, Chapel, or Uhura told you is a complete lie.
Saavik: It's about the Kobayashi Maru.
Kirk: Oh... that. Wait until the end of the movie.

Dr. Marcus: (on screen) KZZzzz -- Jim! Why are you taking Genesis?
Kirk: Could you say that again without all the static?
Dr. Marcus: You -- ffshhhhpt!
Kirk: Uhura, if you can't get that signal back we'll have to fly out there and investigate.
Uhura: (over the comm) As if I care.

Kirk: I've got to take command of the ship.
Spock: (sticks fingers in ears while loudly whistling)
Kirk: Don't be like that! I thought we were friends.
Spock: Look, I want you to take her. You'll need all the help you can get.
Kirk: I'll take good care of her. She won't get a scratch. (ahem) Attention all hands -- who's your daddy?
Sulu: Woo hoo! Now comes the fun part.
Saavik: This is a foolish mission.
Spock: You're telling me. Let's just get this over with.

Joachim: My lord, we have everything we could need. Why go after Kirk?
Khan: Fool! Haven't you ever read Moby Dick?

Dr. Marcus: (on screen) Hi there! And now I'd like you to see our brand new reality show: "Life from Lifelessness."
Spock: Fascinating.
McCoy: I hate it!
Kirk: Too bad. But remember, the real reason we're going is because she's my old girlfriend.

Saavik: (over the comm) Admiral, the Reliant is approaching and my spidey-sense is tingling.
Kirk: Spock, you never told me Vulcans had spidey-senses.
Spock: It's not something we discuss with outsiders.

Spock: Admiral, we've been hit so badly that some of my teeth were knocked loose.
Kirk: (whistles) Meef toof.
Uhura: The Reliant is hailing us.
Khan: (on screen) Remember me?
Kirk: Oh no! It's that guy with the funny accent!

Spock: We have to out-think Khan. Instead of sending him the Genesis information, let's tell his ship's computer to drop shields.
Kirk: That's brilliant, Spock! (pause) And then what?
Spock: Sigh.
(The Reliant drops its shields and the Enterprise fires)
Khan: (over the comm) Curse you, Kirk! You can run but I'll still have your hide!

Kirk: Did everyone survive?
Scotty: Pardon me sir, but I think my nephew is hurt.
Peter: GAK!
Scotty: Aww, the poor wee lad! He never shoulda had more than one line of dialog!

Captain's Log: The ship has been beaten to a large fruity pulp, but we've managed to hold our guts inside as we limp towards Regula One.

McCoy: They're all dead, Jim.
Kirk: Are you sure, or do you just like that catchphrase?
Saavik: I've found two more corpses, but these appear to be alive.
Chekov and Terrell: Grooooaaaaan.
Kirk: I guess that answers my question.

Chekov: Oh, sir... it was Khan!
Kirk: What about him?
Chekov: He really hates you.
Kirk: He's not winning any popularity contests with me either.

McCoy: Look, the Genesis device.
David: That's mine!
Kirk: No, it's mine!
Dr. Marcus: Hey! Break it up!
Terrell: Yeah, I can't shoot you if you won't hold still.

Khan: (over the comm) Kill Kirk!
Terrell: Aw, but I don't want to.
Khan: It's either him or you.
Terrell: Okay. (ZAP!) GAK!
Chekov: Groooaaaaan. (THUMP!)
Saavik: Ewwww, gross. A blood-covered eel is crawling out his ear. Don't they have showers on the Reliant?

Kirk: Hey tough guy, I'm still alive!
Khan: (over the comm) I don't care. I'm going to leave you stranded, just like you did to me.
Kirk: Why... you... lousy... no good... WEENIE!
Khan: I know you are, but what am I?

Kirk: Ooo! The inside of this planet is alive!
Saavik: Indeed. So how'd you beat the Kobayashi Maru?
Kirk: This isn't the end of the movie.
McCoy: Just tell her that you cheated.
Saavik: GASP! Really?
Kirk: Of course. It's against the laws of the universe for me to lose.

Kirk: Let's go into the Mutara nebula.
Spock: But our shields won't work and we'll be blind.
Kirk: I know. This is why I'm an Admiral and you're not, Spock.

Khan: Catch that ship!
Joachim: We really shouldn't go into that nebula.
Kirk: (over the comm) Buk-buk-buKHAAAAAAAAAN!
Khan: He's still alive? I'll kill him!

Kirk: Did we win yet?
Scotty: (over the comm) No! But we're leaking... lots of... radiation... (THUMP!)
McCoy: That's my cue.

Khan: Come on people, work with me here!
Joachim: We can't, we're all dead. GAK!

Kirk: Khan is just flying around in circles.
Spock: We should sink below him and wait until he passes us.
Kirk: That's brilliant, Spock! (pause) And then what?
Spock: Sigh.

Reliant: Where-oh-where could Enterprise be?
Enterprise: Right behind you, sucker! (ZAP!)

Kirk: Uhura, tell Khan to surrender.
Uhura: He's not responding. I think he took his phone off the hook.
Kirk: That's okay, I'll wait. There's nothing else he can do now.
Khan: (over the comm) Except activate Genesis! BWAHAHAHAHA-- GAK!

Spock: I am detecting a massive buildup of unknown and deadly energy.
Kirk: Scotty, are you still alive down there?
Scotty: (over the comm) Yeah... What do you want now?
Kirk: Some warp speed would be nice.
Scotty: Oh really? Then why don't you come down here and fix the radiation leak yourself?
Spock: Hm.... That sounds like a good idea.

McCoy: Spock! We're all gonna die!
Spock: That's nice. Come here for a second and let me pinch your neck.
McCoy: Wha--? Ow! (THUMP!)
Spock: Rest well... and dream of large women.

Kirk: All right everyone... think happy thoughts.
Reliant: KA-BOOM!
Gensis Wave: FWOOSH!
Crew: Wheeeeeee!

Kirk: Oh golly gee! I'm so incredibly happy.
Dr. Marcus: Me too.
David: Me three!
Kirk: And nothing at all went wrong!
McCoy: (over the comm) Jim... guess what?
Kirk: (stares at Spock's chair) Oh boy.

Kirk: What's Spock doing in the radiation chamber?
Scotty: He's dying, Jim.
McCoy: Wha--? That's my line! I'll kill you!

Spock: So... (gasp, wheeze) What do you think of my solution to the Kobayashi Maru?
Kirk: The only way out is a Pyrrhic victory.
Spock: Oh! All of a sudden you've grown a brain and figured that out? (cough) Live long and -- GAK!
Kirk: WAH! No fair!

Kirk: Spock was the most human alien I've ever met.
Saavik: Boo hoo! That eulogy was horrible.

David: Hello, Dad.
Kirk: Hello, son. Sorry I haven't been around your whole life, but we've got until halfway through the next movie to make up for it.
David: What?
Kirk: Uh... never mind.

Captain's Log: A new Genesis planet has appeared, and anything on its surface that's dead can suddenly come to life. Did I mention that we shot Spock's torpedo down there?

McCoy: He's not dead, Jim.
Kirk: How would you know?
McCoy: Meh. No reason.
Dr. Marcus: How do you feel, Jim?
Kirk: Young, and ready to direct the next movie.
Spock's Ghost: We'll see about that....
(The Enterprise limps home at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, FatMatDuhRat.